AnvilheadII

well first, a "proper" amends is part of a 12 step PROCESS. the amends step is #9......which means one would have done as thorough a job as possible on the first EIGHT beforehand.

here's the Step 9 chapter from the Big Book
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_step9.pdf

LexieCat

An amends is an attempt to make right whatever wrongs were done. With the guidance of a sponsor, it's an honest attempt, with full knowledge that not every wrong can be righted--not completely, anyway. Financial/material losses are usually the easiest to fix. For his family failures, spending time with his child, providing financial and emotional support going forward is usually what's needed.

But there doesn't have to be a formal amends for him to start behaving decently, and this might be something he is trying to do. Can't say, it could also be manipulation. As long as you don't try to read too much into it, I think it's safe to just sort of wait and see how he behaves over the long term. You'll know soon enough if he really IS making sincere efforts or if he's just playing you.

Amends ARE for the alcoholic. His "job" with an amends is to do his best--not to take away your pain, because that's simply not within his power.

Oh, and as far as exes staying exes, and avoiding them at all costs, that's just not possible when you are both parents of a child. You don't have to be "friends," but ideally, you can be cordial with each other. If you could be cordial to someone you just met, you can be cordial with someone you once loved, as long as he's not actively doing anything to hurt you anymore.

Nata1980

LexieCat - agree 100%. I'd say I am doing ok with being cordial - I invited him for Christmas Eve and Day celebrations, I offer him a meal and a coffee every time he shows up. Which is a ton, most people won't do that, especially with our background. I don't want to get into routine of doing "family things" though - after all he is the one who discarded me and DS and chose his addictions. So I left him and now he is "no longer stuck with me". He made his choices, and he has to lay in bed he made for himself - it is better for all involved. While I agree with bring cordial, I feel like nightly Skype chats and family shopping trips and restaurant outings are way too much. It is also very confusing for DS. He is free to take DS and my family - I don't mind them having a positive warm and friendly relationship with him - they have not seen his bad side. At times I feel like they think I made it all up lol.

I elect to stay in "medium chill" area

choublak

I never really liked the whole buying stuff to say you're sorry thing, but that's just me.

LexieCat

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. As I said, I have a pretty unusual situation, and I don't think that's something everyone needs to aspire to in order to have a successful post-divorce co-parenting relationship.

hearthealth

Alanon talks of amends also. I apologized in a letter to SIL for some things I shouldn't have done. It was an honest apology and I felt better. SIL took an additional 8 months to acknowledge me. She hasn't acknowledged the letter. I won't ever apologize for the things I don't feel I did wrong. She did things wrong she has never apologized for but thats not my say either. It will always effect our relationship because in part she hasn't acknowledged her faults.
When I apologized I promised to myself never to do those things again and I haven't done those things. I feel better I did. I may never know how she feels. Only time will tell if our relationship will be healed. I can't be pushy and I must accept how she may feel. She may not want a relationship or a different type of relationship. I am at peace with that.

Eddiebuckle

I think a key part of making amends is explicitly acknowledging the transgression and the damage that resulted. Where possible and appropriate (where it will not harm the person in question or others), restitution for the physical or monetary loss is made. In many cases, it's impossible to fix the transgression. I had been in a relationship for almost 15 years with my then fiancée. Our relationship ended as my drinking escalated and I refused to consider counseling. She (wisely) moved on, and several years later when I got sober there was nothing left to fix. All I could do was acknowledge what I had done, the damage that it caused, and express my sorrow for having treated her and our relationship with so little respect.

schnappi99

Amends from the addict might be to start catching up on child support, act to reduce discord resulting from the addiction, be respectful of other's boundaries, ask before gifting, seek opportunities to show up when and where appropriate to help out with the parenting.

Amends from the family member of the addict might be to try and be gracious, accepting the child support payments, courteous while the kid logistics take place, respectfully decline gifts, and not interfere with the addicts attempts to re-invest in the remaining relationships.

Nata1980

Sounds about right. He is all good on child support etc. What is yet to happen is directly admitting to transgressions. It is all swept under the rug under "I was so drunk/intoxicated/mentally ill I did not know what I was doing".

Ariesagain

Stepping up to the responsibility is a crucial part of real recovery, IMO. It's not "I was drunk so not my fault," it's "I chose to drink and I behaved in a way that I truly regret."

Dunno. This guy sounds pretty sketchy and it's an interesting choice for him to want to buy your running shoes...it's like a way he can still control how fast and far you go from him.

Nata1980

Sketchy is a good word to describe him.