ardy

Hi kiddo ... he has got to do the hard part on his own .. knowing that you are there all the time to pick up the pieces and be there for him will not help.. I know have been there.. and it got ugly real fast when he had to hide the pills and the drinking.. walk run run run.. would this be someone you would give up your life your hope your ability to have a better life . to be the mat that he will use you for... sorry.. the man I was with tried to kill me.. no kidding and that is how it ended for good. he is homeless and has lost his cpa.. that my kids and I worked so hard with him to have him get ...

what are you willing to give up forever and never have again forever.. its a very long time... prayers kiddo and so many hugs and hopes for a better 2017

Lilro

You've got a daughter.

That's all I got

TerpGal

Oh my, its so hard for us in the caring professions to take care of ourselves sometimes, isnt it? I am a psychiatric nurse myself and I totally get the drive to take care of others before you take care of yourself. You've just recently escaped from an abusive marriage and you are now stumbling into another abusive relationship. The screaming, gaslighting, paranoid accusations are abuse. I promise you. The weird thing about being stuck in a long term abusive relationship is that even though we know the treatment is wrong, its SO HARD to walk away from because its familiar and what we know. Change is scary. You know that.

Just based on what you have said here, I seriously doubt he is serious about sobriety. Probably just trying to get you back. Much like narcissists, alcoholics need that "supply" and will try to suck you back in. The chanhes will end once he gets you back. And if he does stay sober, good for him but the risks of staying in this relationship clearly look like they outweigh the benefits. If you REALLY want to stay with him, keep your distance, but dont go anywhere near him for at least a year. In fact, I wouldnt get into ANY relationship for a year.

In that time, try your best to learn to have lobe, respect and compassion for yourself. Its hard! I am surely still working on it
But once you have the same caring toward yourself that you do your patients, you will have NO TROUBLE walking away from this type of behavior in the future.
I k ow you love him and can see the good in him. Thats great, but that also does NOT mean you have to or even should stay with him. I think your instincts are telling you what to do. Trust yourself.

bendite

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and frankness. Posting this, and reading your replies, was really my last step in getting to the place (where I take a whole bunch more steps) of letting go. I cried my guts out last night, and am feeling sad but serene. Sadness isn't really the worst when it's on it's own. Self-doubt, shame, fear, anxiety, those I can live without. And today, I am. I will continue to do my work to nurture my heart and choose wisdom, including staying connected here.

bendite

That said, keep the wisdom coming!

bendite

Your words hit me so well. A combination of you calling me kiddo, which just softens me up, and your perfectly compassionate frankness. Thank you.

heartcore

Since the relationship began he has driven you while drinking in the car, your own alcohol use has accelerated, and he has been verbally/emotionally abusive. None of that is ok, and is made even less ok because you are raising a child who looks to you to keep her world safe. How will you deal with the first time he calls her a hurtful name in anger?

Those of us who have a history of dating abusive folks have an awfully low bar. I know this for sure because - having done a hell of a lot of work on myself - my bar has mysteriously risen. I've dated two different men in the last six months who have been (very quickly - just a month or so in) unable to control their anger. I was able to walk away immediately - without pain or regrets. A month is less of an "investment" than a year, but - for me - the whole concept of "time and pain invested = commitment to a relationship" is a distorted framework to begin with.

I've learned (and it ain't been an easy lesson) that I don't have to invest challenge and pain in a relationship and then feel ripped off when I cut my losses and end it. Dating is to discover a person before you get deeply involved. I am very open and flexible with who I am seeking as a partner, but one of the few things that I am absolutely sure of is that I want someone who has the patience and self control to resolve conflicts without name-calling, screaming, or verbal violence.

Incidentally, both of the men I dated and decided not to continue with were from the rooms of AA, where I met them. One had not-so-much sobriety and the other had many decades of sobriety. Alcoholism and the inappropriate expression of rage appear to be highly correlated; getting sober doesn't automatically solve the deeper issues. Some AAs do the steps deeply and work with sponsors who help them grow internally, but it is a small percentage (in my personal experience) of men in recovery who really resolve their anger issues there.

The man you describe is making every move to sobriety because you are giving him ultimatums. In my experience, people given ultimatums do not find success in recovery and actually become angrier. Why? Because they feel trapped and judged and controlled and ashamed of being controlled by the ultimatum of another. It's not an empowering place to begin recovery from...

NYCDoglvr

As a recovering alcoholic (25 years) my advice is no. This is a solitary journey and having a problematic relationship is detrimental to recovery. I recommend Alanon for you, a terrific program for those involved in a relationship with an addict. Let this go to see if he stays sober (the odds are poor, around 10% according to rehabs).

elihoping

Run, don't walk.

tomsteve

i think theres only one lil bit of wisdom i have:

if i didnt share what was,or is, going on with me, people couldnt help me keep my head outta my but.

or help pop it back outta my but.