I just can't talk to my mother....
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I just can't talk to my mother....
RANT
UGH!! I just can't! Sometimes I ask myself "why do I bother", but she called yesterday and wanted to pry into "how is he doing?" WHILE I AM SITTING AT MY DESK". I cut her off and said I would call later. Over 24 hours later I mustered up the courage to call....
So I proceed to tell her how he is doing, 2 to 3 meetings a day - he wants a sponsor, he is doing meditation and reading his big book twice a day, he sounds good, says he feels good..... and I get "well that's good, did you get an apology", and she had quite the attitude mind you!
For those of you that do not know, my mother is the root of my sickness, not my alcoholic. About a year into my Alanon program it dawned on me that I was sick WAYYYYYY before I married an alcoholic. My mother was raised by an alcoholic mother who's alcoholic boyfriend not only beat my grandmother but also beat and abused my mother as well. She has NEVER thought she needed help. She just thought going to church would get her thru it all.
This woman will be 80 years old in March and I have seen her throw temper tantrums better than any toddler!! She has done this all of my life. She controlled us so much when we were growing up that she practically sucked the life right out of us. If I sound bitter, I am....
So, anyway - her comment about the apology pissed me off. I immediately told her I was not looking for an apology from him because what good is an apology to me - I want action not words and from what I can tell he is taking some action. "Well, whatever, that's good".
O
M
G!!
I thought I would burst. I finally told her I had to go as I was picking up my youngest child. Of course there was no way I wanted my daughter to hear me talking to her grandmother that way - she has seen and heard enough negativity in her life, especially last month.
**sigh** sorry for the rant but I really just had to get that off my chest. And funny, I just posted about resentment and grudges today, oh the irony!!!
UGH!! I just can't! Sometimes I ask myself "why do I bother", but she called yesterday and wanted to pry into "how is he doing?" WHILE I AM SITTING AT MY DESK". I cut her off and said I would call later. Over 24 hours later I mustered up the courage to call....
So I proceed to tell her how he is doing, 2 to 3 meetings a day - he wants a sponsor, he is doing meditation and reading his big book twice a day, he sounds good, says he feels good..... and I get "well that's good, did you get an apology", and she had quite the attitude mind you!
For those of you that do not know, my mother is the root of my sickness, not my alcoholic. About a year into my Alanon program it dawned on me that I was sick WAYYYYYY before I married an alcoholic. My mother was raised by an alcoholic mother who's alcoholic boyfriend not only beat my grandmother but also beat and abused my mother as well. She has NEVER thought she needed help. She just thought going to church would get her thru it all.
This woman will be 80 years old in March and I have seen her throw temper tantrums better than any toddler!! She has done this all of my life. She controlled us so much when we were growing up that she practically sucked the life right out of us. If I sound bitter, I am....
So, anyway - her comment about the apology pissed me off. I immediately told her I was not looking for an apology from him because what good is an apology to me - I want action not words and from what I can tell he is taking some action. "Well, whatever, that's good".
O
M
G!!
I thought I would burst. I finally told her I had to go as I was picking up my youngest child. Of course there was no way I wanted my daughter to hear me talking to her grandmother that way - she has seen and heard enough negativity in her life, especially last month.
**sigh** sorry for the rant but I really just had to get that off my chest. And funny, I just posted about resentment and grudges today, oh the irony!!!
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aknowthetriggers........question---has it been the norm for you to share details of your life struggles with her...? (not a statement--just a question of fact)....
Because, honestly, it just seems , to me, like a fairly normal question to ask, under the circumstances...to ask" how your husband is doing"......
My guess is that she does care about you and wants you to be treated well (even if she was controlling).....
Given her background....maybe, she is doing the best that she knows how.....?
I am spitballing, here....but, do you think that you have so much baggage of anger and resentment of her, that you are still carrying around, that almost anything from her can kindle a fire in you.....?
LOL...my kids are grown, now...but, when your's are grown, you will probably discover that you still worry about them and how they are doing, and, how they are being treated by the world......
Just saying.....
Because, honestly, it just seems , to me, like a fairly normal question to ask, under the circumstances...to ask" how your husband is doing"......
My guess is that she does care about you and wants you to be treated well (even if she was controlling).....
Given her background....maybe, she is doing the best that she knows how.....?
I am spitballing, here....but, do you think that you have so much baggage of anger and resentment of her, that you are still carrying around, that almost anything from her can kindle a fire in you.....?
LOL...my kids are grown, now...but, when your's are grown, you will probably discover that you still worry about them and how they are doing, and, how they are being treated by the world......
Just saying.....
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Dandy, I get what you are saying, but I have a similar mom, and i *think* I get it...
They aren't JUST asking because they care, and trust us to make good decisions to get through it. They are asking so they can tell you what you are doing wrong. And in my moms case, I think shes saddened that we go through dramatic or painful things, but she likes to hear it - cause she doesnt have to think about her stuff.
Mine is CRAZY controlling too, constant worrying, and anytime we 'failed' in her eyes growing up (and even now) she guilted us with her failure as a mother. 'Where did I go wrong' was heard far more often that - 'you are doing great." And I was an A student, rarely in trouble (that being said, I was not an easy child - I could argue like a lawyer at 8 years old, and was diabolically mischievous.)
She coddled, was super invasive, and then would disappear in the evenings while my dad worked. And she was physically abusive, because her mother was. All that. She also thinks church is the only help anyone needs. She is incapable of just listening, and always has to let you know 'what you should be doing.' She never loved being a mother, and that was clear. The control was because we were just a reflection of her, and we had to look perfect in church and for friends, no matter what was really going on. We were not allowed to be sad or angry, because that is ugly. Meds and or counseling are unacceptable to her, and shes insanely passive aggressive.
And as an adult, i still feel obligated to answer her interrogations, because she'll feel bad if i dont, and she loves us, and i love her, so i dont want her to feel bad. Even though i know answering her questions will just get me some judgmental comments, or her crying because she didnt do better for me so I would have done better. Its sad and painful, and she never has, and probably never will totally know the real me because of the dynamic. This all sounds awful...the flip side is, if shes in the mood, shed do about anything for anyone. lol.
And until a few years ago - I was probably pretty similar, without the kids part.
And I can tell you that few things have curbed my mom...
But regarding some big events in our lives, and thanks to some recovery, i've managed to learn to tell her - I cant talk to you about this right now. Im processing, and thats all I can do at the moment. And when she doesnt stop pressing, well "I have to go and ill talk to you later." Or Im just super vague - 'everything is good or fine.'
THis happens often - I can be having a great day and she'll call and say "whats wrong." "What?! Nothing is wrong?!" And she'll keep pressing - "you dont sound good",...its like she WANTS something to be wrong in my life!
Anwho - mommy issues here...CLEARLY. I get your frustration. But like Dandy said...they are doing their best, too....and I don't think they have the slightest inkling that they are this way to us.....all the while knowing that their OWN mothers make them crazy. LOL
They aren't JUST asking because they care, and trust us to make good decisions to get through it. They are asking so they can tell you what you are doing wrong. And in my moms case, I think shes saddened that we go through dramatic or painful things, but she likes to hear it - cause she doesnt have to think about her stuff.
Mine is CRAZY controlling too, constant worrying, and anytime we 'failed' in her eyes growing up (and even now) she guilted us with her failure as a mother. 'Where did I go wrong' was heard far more often that - 'you are doing great." And I was an A student, rarely in trouble (that being said, I was not an easy child - I could argue like a lawyer at 8 years old, and was diabolically mischievous.)
She coddled, was super invasive, and then would disappear in the evenings while my dad worked. And she was physically abusive, because her mother was. All that. She also thinks church is the only help anyone needs. She is incapable of just listening, and always has to let you know 'what you should be doing.' She never loved being a mother, and that was clear. The control was because we were just a reflection of her, and we had to look perfect in church and for friends, no matter what was really going on. We were not allowed to be sad or angry, because that is ugly. Meds and or counseling are unacceptable to her, and shes insanely passive aggressive.
And as an adult, i still feel obligated to answer her interrogations, because she'll feel bad if i dont, and she loves us, and i love her, so i dont want her to feel bad. Even though i know answering her questions will just get me some judgmental comments, or her crying because she didnt do better for me so I would have done better. Its sad and painful, and she never has, and probably never will totally know the real me because of the dynamic. This all sounds awful...the flip side is, if shes in the mood, shed do about anything for anyone. lol.
And until a few years ago - I was probably pretty similar, without the kids part.
And I can tell you that few things have curbed my mom...
But regarding some big events in our lives, and thanks to some recovery, i've managed to learn to tell her - I cant talk to you about this right now. Im processing, and thats all I can do at the moment. And when she doesnt stop pressing, well "I have to go and ill talk to you later." Or Im just super vague - 'everything is good or fine.'
THis happens often - I can be having a great day and she'll call and say "whats wrong." "What?! Nothing is wrong?!" And she'll keep pressing - "you dont sound good",...its like she WANTS something to be wrong in my life!
Anwho - mommy issues here...CLEARLY. I get your frustration. But like Dandy said...they are doing their best, too....and I don't think they have the slightest inkling that they are this way to us.....all the while knowing that their OWN mothers make them crazy. LOL
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I get the crazy, believe me...put me in the same room as my father in his prime for fifteen minutes and I'd be a gibbering wreck...but is it possible this set you off so much because you haven't gotten an apology from your husband?
Or maybe...I always feel the most insanely defensive with my parents when something they say has a tiny bit of truth in it...or it's something I'm already beating myself up over and don't need help doing it...
Or maybe...I always feel the most insanely defensive with my parents when something they say has a tiny bit of truth in it...or it's something I'm already beating myself up over and don't need help doing it...
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I get "well that's good, did you get an apology"
My mother was raised by an alcoholic mother who's alcoholic boyfriend not only beat my grandmother but also beat and abused my mother as well.
The other thing that struck me... your mom called you at work. My mom NEVER calls me at work unless it's an emergency. My parents learned their lesson a long time ago when they called me at my cubicle for the umpteenth time and I finally lost it - the person next to me started clapping and they heard it!
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
I get the crazy, believe me...put me in the same room as my father in his prime for fifteen minutes and I'd be a gibbering wreck...but is it possible this set you off so much because you haven't gotten an apology from your husband?
Or maybe...I always feel the most insanely defensive with my parents when something they say has a tiny bit of truth in it...or it's something I'm already beating myself up over and don't need help doing it...
Or maybe...I always feel the most insanely defensive with my parents when something they say has a tiny bit of truth in it...or it's something I'm already beating myself up over and don't need help doing it...
No, he did apologize - it is not that - it is totally her attitude towards it all.
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Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart
Do you think that perhaps that she's subconsciously a bit jealous and is actually living vicariously through you? That apology is something that she perhaps wished for as well. Not that she would ever admit it.
The other thing that struck me... your mom called you at work. My mom NEVER calls me at work unless it's an emergency. My parents learned their lesson a long time ago when they called me at my cubicle for the umpteenth time and I finally lost it - the person next to me started clapping and they heard it!
The other thing that struck me... your mom called you at work. My mom NEVER calls me at work unless it's an emergency. My parents learned their lesson a long time ago when they called me at my cubicle for the umpteenth time and I finally lost it - the person next to me started clapping and they heard it!
About the phone call at work.....my mother as the worst timing in all of the world. She has to be first to wish anyone in our family happy birthday so you can expect a phone call in the middle of morning rush so she can be the FIRST one to tell you happy birthday. But after she wants to chit chat and all of us, including my AH get a little tift I mean we are walking out the door. What I asked her is if she could please wait until after we are home from work and school and then call in the early afternoon. She has done so..
However, she also knows that when any of us are working we really don't have the liberty to speak what we want because of the work environment so she takes complete advantage of that to speak her mind to you because she knows you won't go off on her. How twisted is THAT!!! So I either don't answer my phone or I cut her off after the hello and tell her I cannot talk and I will have to call her back.
It's exhausting!
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Originally Posted by firebolt
Dandy, I get what you are saying, but I have a similar mom, and i *think* I get it...
They aren't JUST asking because they care, and trust us to make good decisions to get through it. They are asking so they can tell you what you are doing wrong. And in my moms case, I think shes saddened that we go through dramatic or painful things, but she likes to hear it - cause she doesnt have to think about her stuff.
Mine is CRAZY controlling too, constant worrying, and anytime we 'failed' in her eyes growing up (and even now) she guilted us with her failure as a mother. 'Where did I go wrong' was heard far more often that - 'you are doing great." And I was an A student, rarely in trouble (that being said, I was not an easy child - I could argue like a lawyer at 8 years old, and was diabolically mischievous.)
She coddled, was super invasive, and then would disappear in the evenings while my dad worked. And she was physically abusive, because her mother was. All that. She also thinks church is the only help anyone needs. She is incapable of just listening, and always has to let you know 'what you should be doing.' She never loved being a mother, and that was clear. The control was because we were just a reflection of her, and we had to look perfect in church and for friends, no matter what was really going on. We were not allowed to be sad or angry, because that is ugly. Meds and or counseling are unacceptable to her, and shes insanely passive aggressive.
And as an adult, i still feel obligated to answer her interrogations, because she'll feel bad if i dont, and she loves us, and i love her, so i dont want her to feel bad. Even though i know answering her questions will just get me some judgmental comments, or her crying because she didnt do better for me so I would have done better. Its sad and painful, and she never has, and probably never will totally know the real me because of the dynamic. This all sounds awful...the flip side is, if shes in the mood, shed do about anything for anyone. lol.
And until a few years ago - I was probably pretty similar, without the kids part.
And I can tell you that few things have curbed my mom...
But regarding some big events in our lives, and thanks to some recovery, i've managed to learn to tell her - I cant talk to you about this right now. Im processing, and thats all I can do at the moment. And when she doesnt stop pressing, well "I have to go and ill talk to you later." Or Im just super vague - 'everything is good or fine.'
THis happens often - I can be having a great day and she'll call and say "whats wrong." "What?! Nothing is wrong?!" And she'll keep pressing - "you dont sound good",...its like she WANTS something to be wrong in my life!
Anwho - mommy issues here...CLEARLY. I get your frustration. But like Dandy said...they are doing their best, too....and I don't think they have the slightest inkling that they are this way to us.....all the while knowing that their OWN mothers make them crazy. LOL
They aren't JUST asking because they care, and trust us to make good decisions to get through it. They are asking so they can tell you what you are doing wrong. And in my moms case, I think shes saddened that we go through dramatic or painful things, but she likes to hear it - cause she doesnt have to think about her stuff.
Mine is CRAZY controlling too, constant worrying, and anytime we 'failed' in her eyes growing up (and even now) she guilted us with her failure as a mother. 'Where did I go wrong' was heard far more often that - 'you are doing great." And I was an A student, rarely in trouble (that being said, I was not an easy child - I could argue like a lawyer at 8 years old, and was diabolically mischievous.)
She coddled, was super invasive, and then would disappear in the evenings while my dad worked. And she was physically abusive, because her mother was. All that. She also thinks church is the only help anyone needs. She is incapable of just listening, and always has to let you know 'what you should be doing.' She never loved being a mother, and that was clear. The control was because we were just a reflection of her, and we had to look perfect in church and for friends, no matter what was really going on. We were not allowed to be sad or angry, because that is ugly. Meds and or counseling are unacceptable to her, and shes insanely passive aggressive.
And as an adult, i still feel obligated to answer her interrogations, because she'll feel bad if i dont, and she loves us, and i love her, so i dont want her to feel bad. Even though i know answering her questions will just get me some judgmental comments, or her crying because she didnt do better for me so I would have done better. Its sad and painful, and she never has, and probably never will totally know the real me because of the dynamic. This all sounds awful...the flip side is, if shes in the mood, shed do about anything for anyone. lol.
And until a few years ago - I was probably pretty similar, without the kids part.
And I can tell you that few things have curbed my mom...
But regarding some big events in our lives, and thanks to some recovery, i've managed to learn to tell her - I cant talk to you about this right now. Im processing, and thats all I can do at the moment. And when she doesnt stop pressing, well "I have to go and ill talk to you later." Or Im just super vague - 'everything is good or fine.'
THis happens often - I can be having a great day and she'll call and say "whats wrong." "What?! Nothing is wrong?!" And she'll keep pressing - "you dont sound good",...its like she WANTS something to be wrong in my life!
Anwho - mommy issues here...CLEARLY. I get your frustration. But like Dandy said...they are doing their best, too....and I don't think they have the slightest inkling that they are this way to us.....all the while knowing that their OWN mothers make them crazy. LOL
Seriously, a lot of what you say is true - there has to be drama and if I don't agree with her opinion about something then it's game on honey. She gets a complete attitude with me.
Prime example - about three years ago my niece became pregnant outside of wedlock. I bet you know where I am going with this, my mother went CRAZY talking about how she just couldn't believe this and how embarrassing and then towards the end of the pregnancy she was in tears because she would never see her grandchildren (there are twins) and blah, blah, blah....ONLY to be holding them not 24 hours after they were born saying how incredibly proud she is of the granddaughter that had these two blessings....
WHAT!!!!?????
On vacation this year, prior to my AH having a relapse recently, he was sober and me and my parents were alone and having a conversation about stuff and his drinking came up and she just doesn't understand how I just never knew he was drinking (news flash I did) and where was it hidden (I don't care - not my problem) and how could you smell it on him (insert eye roll)..... she knew she plucked a nerve because she then added how she just doesn't want us to live what she lived because she was abused and beat as a child by an alcoholic and I stopped her right there and said "Mom, I know what happened to you as a child - and yes, AH does drink but that does not mean he is beating us and you know damn well he is not beating us!". She didn't have much to say about that. And it's what she meant about him beating us because had she not meant it she would have tried to explain herself and push more of her ideas of what I should be doing and HOW and WHEN I should be doing it....
Gosh.....sorry, more ranting!!
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Originally Posted by dandylion
aknowthetriggers........question---has it been the norm for you to share details of your life struggles with her...? (not a statement--just a question of fact)....
Because, honestly, it just seems , to me, like a fairly normal question to ask, under the circumstances...to ask" how your husband is doing"......
My guess is that she does care about you and wants you to be treated well (even if she was controlling).....
Given her background....maybe, she is doing the best that she knows how.....?
I am spitballing, here....but, do you think that you have so much baggage of anger and resentment of her, that you are still carrying around, that almost anything from her can kindle a fire in you.....?
LOL...my kids are grown, now...but, when your's are grown, you will probably discover that you still worry about them and how they are doing, and, how they are being treated by the world......
Just saying.....
Because, honestly, it just seems , to me, like a fairly normal question to ask, under the circumstances...to ask" how your husband is doing"......
My guess is that she does care about you and wants you to be treated well (even if she was controlling).....
Given her background....maybe, she is doing the best that she knows how.....?
I am spitballing, here....but, do you think that you have so much baggage of anger and resentment of her, that you are still carrying around, that almost anything from her can kindle a fire in you.....?
LOL...my kids are grown, now...but, when your's are grown, you will probably discover that you still worry about them and how they are doing, and, how they are being treated by the world......
Just saying.....
Flash backs of my childhood as she loved to belittle all of us on a daily basis if we stepped out of line. Heck even if my room was messy, and I say messy meaning not like my kids messy, I mean if I had clothes on my bed that needed to be put away and I hadn't then I was a "pig" and lived like an animal on a farm.
As a teenager I smoked - yeah, end of the world right....we it could have been - she beat me in my mouth and I had a mouth full of braces. My sister ran out to get my dad to stop her and for two weeks I was called a pig, disgusting pig, nothing but a liar, a disappointment, etc.....
It was so bad I considered running away but later chickened out from fear of when she found me she would beat me for that!
As an adult she can't say enough how proud she is of all of us, etc. But she can turn on you in an instant and you are doing it wrong and this is what you should do and she just doesn't understand why this or that....
Just tonight my youngest spilt an entire can of lemonade in my car, had this been my mom her head would have split open. I admit I did get a little frustrated but I certainly didn't call my child a pig for an accident.
I struggle with this because when I lose control the belittling starts and it can be my children or my AH - it is not something I am proud of and I work really hard to keep myself in check because I know how those words can slice you in half. I have to remind myself that verbal abuse does not give me the upper hand. When I realize I have crossed that line I quickly apologize and I am usually in tears because I just don't want to be like that anymore. I hate this side of me - and I have to change!
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Considering how emotionally, verbally & physically abusive your
mother was (is), I hope you are not feeling guilty for limiting
contact or not answering when she calls. She sounds like my MIL,
whom I speak to about 3 times a year, that's enough for me.
I blame her for 2 of my husband's siblings divorces - she
meddled so badly, she would never admit to any fault -
many narcissistic traits - all in the name of motherly
love......very distorted thinking.
mother was (is), I hope you are not feeling guilty for limiting
contact or not answering when she calls. She sounds like my MIL,
whom I speak to about 3 times a year, that's enough for me.
I blame her for 2 of my husband's siblings divorces - she
meddled so badly, she would never admit to any fault -
many narcissistic traits - all in the name of motherly
love......very distorted thinking.
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Originally Posted by mylifeismine
I hope you are not feeling guilty for limiting contact or not answering when she calls. .
At times I miss my family, including her, miserably but times like yesterday I am glad I live 16 hours away.
So twisted......
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Honestly, ktt, if you spoke with any health professional
or anyone on this forum they would tell you your guilt is
misplaced. You have done nothing wrong and to protect
yourself from toxic people is healthy behavior, even if they
is family members, even if its your own mother.
Unfortunately, when people become parents, they don't
automatically become wise, loving, caring & compassionate.
They are who they are, some people work toward personal
& spiritual growth, others work towards material things
and status and remain toxic and self centered their whole
life.
My AH's family is so fractured, with members not talking to
each other for years, and it's so sad really. But that's how
much destruction a toxic person can do. Protect yourself.
or anyone on this forum they would tell you your guilt is
misplaced. You have done nothing wrong and to protect
yourself from toxic people is healthy behavior, even if they
is family members, even if its your own mother.
Unfortunately, when people become parents, they don't
automatically become wise, loving, caring & compassionate.
They are who they are, some people work toward personal
& spiritual growth, others work towards material things
and status and remain toxic and self centered their whole
life.
My AH's family is so fractured, with members not talking to
each other for years, and it's so sad really. But that's how
much destruction a toxic person can do. Protect yourself.
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......they are family members.....
And we moved hours away as well and it was one of
the best decisions we ever made.
One thing that I am quite sure of is that the Lord did
not intend for me to continually accept abuse from
others and I do not worship idols or put anyone before
my God.
And we moved hours away as well and it was one of
the best decisions we ever made.
One thing that I am quite sure of is that the Lord did
not intend for me to continually accept abuse from
others and I do not worship idols or put anyone before
my God.
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I come from a family of overgrown rage-a-holic babies. I TOTALLY get what you are talking about.
Finally, in late middle age, I am distancing myself from people like that, family or otherwise. Does the heart good....
Finally, in late middle age, I am distancing myself from people like that, family or otherwise. Does the heart good....
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knowthetriggers.....lol....I think I might have come across as a real Polyanna......
After reading your post (and, firebolt , too)....I can see how much trauma you have carried around in your heart.....
Over the keyboard, we can only get a slice of someone else's life experiences, unfortunately.....
My own mother was "difficult", in many ways....as much as I know that she loved me and vice-versa.....actually, loving them makes the hurts even more acute, I think....
My saving grace, was that I moved a couple of states away when I got married.
And, I o nly let her know certain things about my life details. lol...I relied on that "screening device" a lot!
At least, you are aware of where you want/need to change....
Self awareness is the first step...
I firmly believe that if you want to change, you will be able to.....
This is what your "recovery" is all abut, isn't it...?
You will be the one to stop the cycle of several generations.....
You can be proud of this!.
After reading your post (and, firebolt , too)....I can see how much trauma you have carried around in your heart.....
Over the keyboard, we can only get a slice of someone else's life experiences, unfortunately.....
My own mother was "difficult", in many ways....as much as I know that she loved me and vice-versa.....actually, loving them makes the hurts even more acute, I think....
My saving grace, was that I moved a couple of states away when I got married.
And, I o nly let her know certain things about my life details. lol...I relied on that "screening device" a lot!
At least, you are aware of where you want/need to change....
Self awareness is the first step...
I firmly believe that if you want to change, you will be able to.....
This is what your "recovery" is all abut, isn't it...?
You will be the one to stop the cycle of several generations.....
You can be proud of this!.
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MY mother would ask these types of questions and then judge me when I handled things differently/better than she had in her own life - because she interprets me handling it differently as a judgment of her own choices, make sense? (talk about confusing)
I get this, "you just think you're sooooo smart" type of attitude from her & she absolutely hates that I don't tiptoe around big 'ol elephants. But that's HER discomfort & I finally, finally am getting to where I don't feel obligated or guilty for being myself & for living a recovered life. I get it, KTT!
I get this, "you just think you're sooooo smart" type of attitude from her & she absolutely hates that I don't tiptoe around big 'ol elephants. But that's HER discomfort & I finally, finally am getting to where I don't feel obligated or guilty for being myself & for living a recovered life. I get it, KTT!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Flash backs of my childhood as she loved to belittle all of us on a daily basis if we stepped out of line. Heck even if my room was messy, and I say messy meaning not like my kids messy, I mean if I had clothes on my bed that needed to be put away and I hadn't then I was a "pig" and lived like an animal on a farm.
As a teenager I smoked - yeah, end of the world right....we it could have been - she beat me in my mouth and I had a mouth full of braces. My sister ran out to get my dad to stop her and for two weeks I was called a pig, disgusting pig, nothing but a liar, a disappointment, etc.....
It was so bad I considered running away but later chickened out from fear of when she found me she would beat me for that!
As an adult she can't say enough how proud she is of all of us, etc. But she can turn on you in an instant and you are doing it wrong and this is what you should do and she just doesn't understand why this or that....
Just tonight my youngest spilt an entire can of lemonade in my car, had this been my mom her head would have split open. I admit I did get a little frustrated but I certainly didn't call my child a pig for an accident.
I struggle with this because when I lose control the belittling starts and it can be my children or my AH - it is not something I am proud of and I work really hard to keep myself in check because I know how those words can slice you in half. I have to remind myself that verbal abuse does not give me the upper hand. When I realize I have crossed that line I quickly apologize and I am usually in tears because I just don't want to be like that anymore. I hate this side of me - and I have to change!
As a teenager I smoked - yeah, end of the world right....we it could have been - she beat me in my mouth and I had a mouth full of braces. My sister ran out to get my dad to stop her and for two weeks I was called a pig, disgusting pig, nothing but a liar, a disappointment, etc.....
It was so bad I considered running away but later chickened out from fear of when she found me she would beat me for that!
As an adult she can't say enough how proud she is of all of us, etc. But she can turn on you in an instant and you are doing it wrong and this is what you should do and she just doesn't understand why this or that....
Just tonight my youngest spilt an entire can of lemonade in my car, had this been my mom her head would have split open. I admit I did get a little frustrated but I certainly didn't call my child a pig for an accident.
I struggle with this because when I lose control the belittling starts and it can be my children or my AH - it is not something I am proud of and I work really hard to keep myself in check because I know how those words can slice you in half. I have to remind myself that verbal abuse does not give me the upper hand. When I realize I have crossed that line I quickly apologize and I am usually in tears because I just don't want to be like that anymore. I hate this side of me - and I have to change!
I was talking to a girlfriend about my mom one night - bitching about my childhood with her. My friend has 5 kids....and she listened to me for a while, and then she just started bawling. And then she said "Mandy, i hope to God my kids don't remember me this way. Everything I did, and everything I do is for them. To try to help them and to protect them."
Hard to hear, because I remember how really evil my mom could be....and I KNOW how evil her mom could be...and now, thanks to an ounce of recovery....I know how evil I can be at times.
My attitude about ma mom changed after that. She still makes me crazy, but it helps to be more aware of my own faults, and to know that she was doing her best. I think we can leave them to feel how they feel without trying to change them to be more positive or feel less guilty, and we can love them while being unapologetically protective of ourselves and our decisions. Screw all that guilt stuff - it has to stop somewhere, right?! TO echo Dandylion, it might as well be with us.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Yes, as Maya Angelou said,
"When you know better, you do better"
love that
I made many mistakes raising my kids, and have regrets.
But now I know the truth which is the most important
thing one can do for their kid is make them feel loved and
valued and listened to. I do it as much as I can now
"When you know better, you do better"
love that
I made many mistakes raising my kids, and have regrets.
But now I know the truth which is the most important
thing one can do for their kid is make them feel loved and
valued and listened to. I do it as much as I can now
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Yes, firebolt......I think it is such an act of personal courage to do honest self examination...and to own our own deficits...(we all have them)....
I applaud anyone who is wiling to be that honest....
If we can be courageous enough to admit the truth...we can change anything that we really want to.
I believe this, with all m y heart!
I applaud anyone who is wiling to be that honest....
If we can be courageous enough to admit the truth...we can change anything that we really want to.
I believe this, with all m y heart!
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