bahookie

Hey

While reading the red flag post I started thinking about the fears I'm having just now.
My A is nearly 11 years sober, but she's not working the her programme, not really. She can talk a good game and is even sponsoring someone, but now that I actually have an inkling about the steps I can see that it's just that - all talk.
Her new obsession may sound innocuous and I feel a bit daft mentioning it: online scrabble for hours and hours and hours and hours at a time. During work hours (she works from home), all evening with a very brief pause for meals, and last night until 3.30am. She had to get up at 7.
When I said "let's go to bed" at half 10 the reaction I got was scary. It was as if I was asking her to leave her oxygen supply behind and step out into space. One minute a nice pleasant loving person the next a growling thing full of spite.
Seems to me to be a red flag. When I got back with the kids last night from riding, for the first ever time, I had a picture in my head of walking in and finding her drinking the bottle of gin someone got me for a present.
I don't even know if there is background worry in my head all the time. Why am I thinking these things? It feels like some kind of madness is creeping into my life.

Of course, there's a bright side to everything. I get to read in bed without the tv on when she's playing downstairs :o)

What do you think?

Jane

Rose56

Hi Jane, I don't know what to think about the new obsession. Maybe someone will be able to comment on that. I do however detect a bit of obsessing on your part over her behavior. I keep learning every day about detachment, how I am not responsible for my hubby or kids and their choices etc. It is real work for me to detach from them and try to focus on what is going on in me. Try to refocus on your program, on what your next goal is and where you are going. It could be that she may notice the lack of attention you are paying her and look up to see what's going on. Take care.

tootiefish

Hello Jane and welcome! I agree, detach. Spend some time with yourself and do some things you enjoy. Once she sees you having fun and doing some things without her, she may just want to join you.

Karivan

Hi bahookie. I know exactly what you mean. My A does fantasy football and football stats and I don't just mean like the normal guy who does it for fun. He does it year round and gets ready for the NFL football season like he's going to war. He spends hours and hours and hours on the computer (although I found out 2 nights ago that he also goes to porn sites). He has notebooks full of football statistics and his office is jammed with papers. He even has a whiteboard to keep track of the teams.

He's neglected his family big time because of football. We never can do anything on Sundays and God forbid we take a trip and he would miss a game. One thing that is funny/sad is that he's been a huge Rams fan for 30 years and when they went to the Superbowl in 2000, he was so drunk he doesn't remember the game. If I hadn't taped it for him (I know... I'm a codie), he wouldn't have seen it.

This is his obsession and I always thought he did it so he didn't have to think about painful things. It's his way of hiding from reality. He can control his stats when he can't control anything else. His denial of reality has made his drinking much worse because you can't be untrue to yourself and live normally. I wonder if your A's obsession with Scrabble is another way to keep the pain at bay and not have to think about things that really matter. Sounds like she's just switched addictions.

Anyway, good luck with it. What would you call a Scrabble junkie? Scrab-aholic?

bahookie

[QUOTE=Karivan]He can control his stats when he can't control anything else. His denial of reality has made his drinking much worse because you can't be untrue to yourself and live normally. I wonder if your A's obsession with Scrabble is another way to keep the pain at bay and not have to think about things that really matter. Sounds like she's just switched addictions.

QUOTE]

Yes! yes yes yes!!!

I'm I have to say, in response to all of your messages (and thank you, I really appreciate it) that yes, it is bothering me that she's switched off from the world, because everyone would like to have a healthy relationship all of the time and it's... well, it's rubbish when things don't go well. Obviously. I mean, I'm not going to be happy about it am I?
The reason I'm worried is that I see all these things as signs that things are getting to the point where she'll relapse.
If that happened I don't know what I'd do.

Am I missing the point here? Sometimes I just don't feel like I get it, do you know that?

Anyway, I'm reading the Da vinci code and it's brill I have a life and I have fun on my own, I'm not hanging around waiting for her to entertain me!

Jeeze, how defensive did that sound ?? :doh:

J

Ps as long as it's not a scabbyholic cos then I'd have to go to scabby-anon lol

Karivan

Hi again. I didn't see before that you are from Scotland. My friend just got back and she loved it! I can't wait to see the pictures.

Anyway... I'm not very good with words like some of the people on this site. But I do know that you can't control what she might do in the future. If you don't mind me saying so... you're worrying about something that might not happen.

I also read the DaVinci code. Awesome book.

Dust Bunny

I know that a good Al_anoner should detach from unacceptable behaviour and focus on one's self. In that respect, I agree with much of the advice already given. But ...
There is a difference between detatching and just plain old sticking your head in the sand. What if there is more going on? Can you accept that and still be at peace with yourself? I mean just how much Scrabble can a person play???

My AH and I each had extensive internet friends. His internet time gradually became more and more obsesive. I thought the same as you ... at least I get a few minutes to myself. Then minutes started turning into hours until we rarely went to bed together. I was blindsided when I tried to do some computer maintenance. Something I found gave me reason to investigate his internet activities. Sure, the poker screen was always showing but I eventually discovered that he used that to hide his IM's. There were accounts at at least 2 different dating sites and various email addresses. He had relationships with several different women going on and one was currently a full blown physical affair. 2 he had previously bedded and a couple others were more than willing to become numbers 4 & 5. He was meeting them before he went to work and durring his lunch hour.

I truely do hope that playing scrabble is all that is going on. I mentioned that I spent a lot of time on the computer as well. My email was always accessable by my family. I rarely used Instant Messenger services (when I did, I logged the chats) and I certainly never called any one that I met over the internet nor would I allow them to call me. I only gave out my screen name and was rarely asked for my real name.

Sorry if I scared you with my story. :-(
I think you should at least try to talk to your wife. I don't mean interogate or lecture ... TALK! as you would with a dear friend you are concerned about. Then let it go. Remember that you cannot control her nor am I suggesting that you try. "Detatch with love" Keep trying to let her know that you care and you are there for her.

gelfling

Hi Bahookie,

I see it sometimes in my husband's life. He obsesses wtih doing stuff around the house and works at it until he's absolutely exhausted and won't stop until it's done. I also think it is a matter of being in control of something.

My son, also an A is doing the same thing. When I talk to him aobut it, he says that "dad does it, and he's not drinking, so it can't be that bad". I won't argue with him.

Kathy

bahookie

Thank you for all your words of wisdom.

I am somewhere between knowing that I can't change what she'll do, reassured that it's a seemingly harmless activity and aware that no, I can't stick my head in the sand.

If you know what I mean!

Actually I'm seeing it as a defence mechanism, a way to avoid the world when it all seems too much. Not an adult way of handling life, but better than many alternatives

I guess that through letting go of it I feel much better
Ps Scotland is gorgeous, you should come and take your own pictures!

frustrated1

I'm not to good with words but it seems to me that they have traded one addiction for another. I guess that is where the program comes in, it works in so many situations. Hang in there and stay strong. This is a great place