Expanding

When I talk to people about what happened between the ex and I I tend to start crying like it had just happened. I'm sad that someone I spent so much time with treated me in such a way. I'm sad that he so easily replaced me, and it's even worse if I think about what his friend said, "that's what guys do to stick it to their ex". That he would purposely try and hurt me is sickening. I think of my ex and I realize I didn't know him, and it feels like he was putting on an act. Pretending to get me to stick around. Saying or doing the bare minimum instead giving it his all. It was never about us. It was always about him and what he wanted, what he could get out of me, how I could be of service to him. How I could feed his ego and keep the drinking going.

I feel like I was sleeping with the enemy. A fake, a fraud. Someone who strung me along like a puppet, conditioning me to bend to his will and not "make a fuss", to be a "good girl", a "cool girl", someone he could brag about to his friends.

This is a depressing post, I think the SAD is kicking in. Everything is going to be okay and someday I'll fully process and get past all this hurt, but don't know how I'm going to trust again. If I get involved with someone I'll have one foot out the door so I don't get hurt and the dysfunctional cycle would continue. Thanks to everyone who convinced me I needed to be single for a while. It's been close to nine months and while I've entertained the thought I'm still no where near ready for a healthy relationship. I think about how long it took me to trust him and let my walls down, and then for it to end the way it did is just awful. I hate him so much right now.

letitend

Expanding, you are a little further along in terms of time away. But I can relate to your post so much.

I am really looking forward to moving past this. It is hard, but I know you are so strong. The one thing I have walked away from this experience with are the following: 1. I know NOW what I don't want and won't put up with. 2. If I ever come across that again, I am going to run far and fast. 3. Only I, and I alone, can be who I want to be.

My mom says the same thing as you stated above, that she is glad I am not out dating and just focusing on myself. Man, did and do I really need to do that. It feels amazing to me until the xA steps into the picture. And again, lesson learned is to quit doing that to myself. I can't let my head go there. I am really trying hard to rewire and rework my brain to function on a higher level.

I have a feeling when you are ready, you will get out there and meet someone amazing. I have faith that you will know what you are looking for and what you will and won't accept the next time around. I hope 2017 is your best to come.

HUGS

PhoenixJ

Expanding- you feel pain for what perhaps once was. That sucks- and you are grieving still. I think you have grasped really well that thought and emotion are sometimes in different places. That it does take time to heal. Especially over Xmas good you are focussing just on you- without the burden of adding others to it. Stay safe- do you have a counsellor, someone you can share and explore your feelings and thoughts with?
My prayers to you, PJ.

LexieCat

I think I'd severely limit the number of people you discuss this with in any detail. For the vast majority of people you know, a simple "It didn't work out, and it's been very hard to process. I'm working it through, but I hope you'll understand I'd rather not discuss the details," will suffice. And have a couple of handy alternative topics to throw out there to talk about.

You've been feeling let down about the reactions of some of the people you know, and I think the key is not to overshare with anyone except a very few close confidants. Better to let it out here, or at Al-Anon.

Kitkat255

I can relate to these posts so much im dealing with the same thing. my heart is so broken

Nata1980

Ugh can totally relate. XAH have not found anyone as far as I am aware, but my friend I went running with today joked that he will probably find an older rich woman soon enough (I am 35, he is 50, so I guess the older woman would be 60). I almost hurled right there while running. Now I wish I never shared details with her

I cannot even imagine how it will feel if it actually happens. I wish I could go no contact forever.

Bekindalways

for you Expanding.

I wish there really were hospitals for the broken hearts. Please do everything you can to heal. You have survived a horrible crash. Time is on your side.

qtpi

I am so glad I am no contact because I don't have the opportunity to know about his goings on now nor do I want to know- but things have happened that make me wonder how I could have been so blind- what a jerk he is. His lawyer asked for my address 3 weeks ago so I could receive forwarded mail- I haven't received anything- not a postcard- meantime- at my old address, some important things have arrived. Fortunately- all things I can replace. He cancelled my AAA membership- I called looking for the card, so I reupped right away. He hasn't forwarded the notification to renew my professional license- or my auto insurance cards, so I am just going to take care of those things today. When I realized this , I got really angry, wanted to call and blast him but I didn't. I am just going about my business and taking care of things. Add this to the list of things/events that tell me in no uncertain terms- don't go back.

I mentioned journalling in another post. In my journal I have been up and down, weak and strong, happy and sad, sure and ambivalent. But I found an excerpt that is excellent and truthful and I wrote it on a 2 by 3 card and carry it in my pocket. I am going to memorize it!

"I see now that STBXAH was bad news- an alcoholic, an addict, controlling, neglectful, 100% self-centered, blaming, and abusive. I am well rid of him. I don't know why I even have a passing thought that he was okay."

Praying

This part really sucks, and I'm sorry you're in it. From my experience, once you wade through this misery, stay focused on yourself, and use that pain and your revelations to learn more about how YOU did this...you'll emerge on the other side knowing that it will never happen to you again.

I too thought I'd never be able to trust again. However, now that I trust MYSELF implicitly, I can trust others, because I trust myself to make the right choices as new information comes to light.

This was tested when I moved in with a great guy who "didn't drink" early last year. The day we moved in and blended our kids, he drank. A few weeks later he was face-down drunk, lying about it, and I wondered "how did I get here?"

But it was different. It didn't matter if we needed to unravel everything we'd just combined, or tell the kids we changed our minds (and cause them angst)--I wasn't going to do it. At first I felt deeply betrayed, but I KNOW that alcoholism means he'd been lying to himself. I was just a side piece. So I didn't take it personally, but I removed him from my life. (He's in AA now and sober, I'm quite proud of him, but I'm not interested in more at this point.)

That was painful, but looking back, it strengthened me further. Because I know that I'm not going to accept less than I deserve. I can go out and trust again and if someone is deserving of ME, I'll take that leap.

I will, however, take it much more slowly.

There's life after this pain. Good for you for experiencing it, mourning, and learning who you are. It's the worst self-discovery therapy ever, but I think it's incredibly effective in the long run. Hugs to you today.

olow

For me dealing with the pain of leaving xabf before my heart was ready is like torture. Every. Single. Day.
I wish that I could go back in time and not have even met him.

qtpi

I also wish I had never met him. Hang in olow. (((((hugs)))))

firebolt

That's the truth. I went through a terrible motorcycle wreck once that hurt less than the last breakup. Take care of yourself - this is part of grieving. It means you are getting THROUGH!!

(((HUGS))))

PhoenixJ

Prayers to you