biminiblue

Meassi, I think you also have to look at the codependency you are exhibiting by wanting to soothe the daughter and/or help her in her distress.

I mean, I get it: especially considering your background and the fact you are in a helping profession. I just think in this case I would let the daughter solve and soothe her own emotions.

It's enough to have to deal with sorting this thing about him, without trying to displace the "problem" onto his daughter's problems.

I would let her do her. Her problems are not your problems...unless she is your 11:30 appointment.

theuncertainty

Can I gently point out that even if his daughter calls, it doesn't need to be you making the calls to track him down - especially since you were out of town on vacation. I'm guessing that she's an adult since she threw the party, and that she's fairly close distance-wise since she was expecting him to show up. She could have called all over to find him just like you did.

Even if she's still rather young, you were on vacation. In my experience with AXH, it was hard enough figuring out where he might be when we were in the same city; doing it from out-of-town would have been near impossible.

FWIW, his actions of missing the party his daughter tried to throw for him did affect you. You got a call while out of town asking if you knew where he was. Which then led to worry because you didn't know where he was and he has a history of incidents. That's a pretty direct impact. He has no right to try to dictate how you feel about that. The person causing hurt or worry has no say in how you feel about it or how long it should take you to "get over it".

Meassi

Thanks for mirroring me in this. I saw it when I did it - and it wasn't possible for me to do anything else right there. I will however talk to her about it, so she understands that she can call me anytime and lent an ear, but I will not act for her again.

SoloMio

This link just popped up in my inbox from a subscription I have to a site called "UPLIFT" It's an article on gas lighting and when I saw it I thought of this thread...

Are You Being Gaslighted In Your Relationship?