Leaving him to die?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 12
Leaving him to die?
I posted a while back. Things have probably progressed worse.
My father is end stage, drinking 2 litres of vodka a day. Not working, not washing, not eating. Basically living like a homeless man in ihis own home. I have spent months trying to help, rehab, hospital, doctors. Nothing works. He chooses vodka every time.
We had an argument recently and I got upset and through his vodka across the room. I told him I couldn't do this anymore, watch him for!
Now I just don't know what to do. We are waiting for his death, he is waiting for his death. With Xmas coming up, I can't bear to think of him alone, but he cannot be around my children as they would be frightened. And I don't want them to ever have to see what I see.
I just needed to write down my feelings. What a horrid disease!!
My father is end stage, drinking 2 litres of vodka a day. Not working, not washing, not eating. Basically living like a homeless man in ihis own home. I have spent months trying to help, rehab, hospital, doctors. Nothing works. He chooses vodka every time.
We had an argument recently and I got upset and through his vodka across the room. I told him I couldn't do this anymore, watch him for!
Now I just don't know what to do. We are waiting for his death, he is waiting for his death. With Xmas coming up, I can't bear to think of him alone, but he cannot be around my children as they would be frightened. And I don't want them to ever have to see what I see.
I just needed to write down my feelings. What a horrid disease!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,680
Emlou- my empathies. I think I know exactly what your dad is going through. It was my brother 8 years ago- he died. Last year it was very nearly me. My family disowned me (accidental nasty, nasty burns) and did not visit me in hospital or have any contact since. I got better. Many do not. I realised that no one was going to save me anymore- my family look after me chips had long ago been cashed in. I understand why my family do not want me in their lives. They have lives. I feel for you wanting to do the right thing- but you and your family- your happiness and safety come first, to my mind. I have no answers about your dad. Perhaps talk to someone- even a grief counsellor, because it seems to me you ARE grieving- what was, could have been, is and unfortunately probably will be. Prayers to you, your dad and your family, PJ.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Perhaps, on Christmas Eve or day, if you feel you are up to it, you can go visit him without your children. You are right, they should not be exposed to someone in such a state.
Whatever you choose, do please take care of yourself. It would seem that your father has decided not to fight. While we can't possibly understand such a choice, we can accept that it is his right to do so, and know that it is not something he is doing to hurt you, nor is it anything you could have prevented.
Whatever you choose, do please take care of yourself. It would seem that your father has decided not to fight. While we can't possibly understand such a choice, we can accept that it is his right to do so, and know that it is not something he is doing to hurt you, nor is it anything you could have prevented.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Emlou....I don't know where you live, but, I would call the local AA listing and ask for someone to do a 12th step with him....
I would, also, call the local senior services organization (govt,). and ask that the social workers do a site visit. If he has an income or insurance...they might be able to place him into an assisted living or rehabilitation hospital.....
I would, also, call the local senior services organization (govt,). and ask that the social workers do a site visit. If he has an income or insurance...they might be able to place him into an assisted living or rehabilitation hospital.....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 30
I am so sorry you have to go through this. It is so draining and powerlessness-inducing to watch a person we love kill themselves slowly.
I watched my mother. Or actually I moved away, but still watched her from afar.
When she was finally admitted to the hospital after a blackout and had 3 days in coma, I visited her and told her that I loved her even though I did not feel it at the time.
3 days later she was gone and I felt such sadness and such relief that she had gotten peace - and I had too.
It meant the world to me that I told her I loved her, because today - 25 years later, I can still feel the love for who she was underneath the drinking.
I wish for you to be able to turn your back and walk away more often and sooner, so you take care of you more than him. And I understand that it is hard, bordering on impossible to feel you have the right to nourish you. But you do.
Hugs and thoughts
I watched my mother. Or actually I moved away, but still watched her from afar.
When she was finally admitted to the hospital after a blackout and had 3 days in coma, I visited her and told her that I loved her even though I did not feel it at the time.
3 days later she was gone and I felt such sadness and such relief that she had gotten peace - and I had too.
It meant the world to me that I told her I loved her, because today - 25 years later, I can still feel the love for who she was underneath the drinking.
I wish for you to be able to turn your back and walk away more often and sooner, so you take care of you more than him. And I understand that it is hard, bordering on impossible to feel you have the right to nourish you. But you do.
Hugs and thoughts
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Emlou, he seems to have made up his mind to get it over with. I've seen it before and it's like they've tried and tried, and now they just want to give in.
He might get to the stage where he can be sent to hospital, but you said that hasn't worked in the past.
Accept that you can't save him; maybe something else will, but it's out of your hands.
He might get to the stage where he can be sent to hospital, but you said that hasn't worked in the past.
Accept that you can't save him; maybe something else will, but it's out of your hands.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It's very hard to watch someone killing himself. You'd be surprised, though, how long someone like that can actually stay alive. You just can't tell. Some people somehow manage to survive that way for years.
FG has expressed what I, personally, felt was most helpful when I left my second husband, who was back to drinking this way after almost dying once from the disease. I imagined myself placing him in the hands of his own Higher Power to care for him. I knew there was nothing more I could do.
It was very comforting for me. Let social services and maybe local police know what the situation is, leave him a list of phone numbers by the phone.
And please take care of yourself.
Hugs,
FG has expressed what I, personally, felt was most helpful when I left my second husband, who was back to drinking this way after almost dying once from the disease. I imagined myself placing him in the hands of his own Higher Power to care for him. I knew there was nothing more I could do.
It was very comforting for me. Let social services and maybe local police know what the situation is, leave him a list of phone numbers by the phone.
And please take care of yourself.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by Emlou 
My father is end stage, drinking 2 litres of vodka a day. Not working, not washing, not eating. Basically living like a homeless man in ihis own home. I have spent months trying to help, rehab, hospital, doctors. Nothing works. He chooses vodka every time.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Emlou, my heart bleeds for you and I completely understand. I went no contact with my parents (alcoholic mother and extremely enabling father) about 9 months ago. Neither one is willing to admit that there is a problem despite the fact that my mom is obviously late stage in her alcoholism, too. I am 45 and this will be the first Christmas of my life that I will not be spending with them. I made the decision to go no contact because I could no longer bear what the pain/worry/fear/not knowing what to expect was doing to me and to my family. I could no longer sacrifice our family memories, events, holidays, etc. to the chaos and disillusionment that comes with alcoholism. That being said, it is so hard. We can't get another set of parents. Acceptance has been a huge lesson for me this year. I am sending a big hug.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Just tossing this out here
You never mentioned your mother.
Do you have brothers and sisters?
Have you tried to contact a lawyer?
You might be able to have him committed.
Casey's Law | Operation UNITE
You never mentioned your mother.
Do you have brothers and sisters?
Have you tried to contact a lawyer?
You might be able to have him committed.
Casey's Law | Operation UNITE
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 12
Thank you for the replys.
I have a feeling the end isn't any time soon, the last hospital visit his bloods were ok and no Visible liver damage which is shocking. In the early days he was super fit and healthy and for some reason his body can tolerate the abuse!
He is losing memory though, constantly repeats the same thing, makes up stories. If he falls and cuts himself (which is becoming more often) he can bleed for days.
My mother left him 15 years ago, but she still helps if she can.
over the years he has just about alienated everyone through drunken rage. The only people left is my brother and I.
I think I will try social services to see if there is any other help out there as he is a danger to be on his own. I have also looked up alanon and there is a meeting in my town which I will go to next week.
I always knew it would end badly, I just had no idea that this stage would be so draining and consuming. Every day I wake up With knots in my stomach. Wondering what he's done in the night. Has he fallen?got lost wandering the streets? It's a constant anxiety.
Thank you for the support and understanding. It's so hard to explain to anyone, as the response is always the same.
I have a feeling the end isn't any time soon, the last hospital visit his bloods were ok and no Visible liver damage which is shocking. In the early days he was super fit and healthy and for some reason his body can tolerate the abuse!
He is losing memory though, constantly repeats the same thing, makes up stories. If he falls and cuts himself (which is becoming more often) he can bleed for days.
My mother left him 15 years ago, but she still helps if she can.
over the years he has just about alienated everyone through drunken rage. The only people left is my brother and I.
I think I will try social services to see if there is any other help out there as he is a danger to be on his own. I have also looked up alanon and there is a meeting in my town which I will go to next week.
I always knew it would end badly, I just had no idea that this stage would be so draining and consuming. Every day I wake up With knots in my stomach. Wondering what he's done in the night. Has he fallen?got lost wandering the streets? It's a constant anxiety.
Thank you for the support and understanding. It's so hard to explain to anyone, as the response is always the same.
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