mm127

Hi -

Sorry if this post will be long, but I want to give some background. Thanks in advance for bearing with me. I've been married just over 20 years - dated for many years before that (high school, college etc). We have 4 children, elementary school through college freshman. As I am sure many of you can relate, my AH is a great guy, husband and father when he isn't drinking. Truly, he is a nice guy. His vice is beer. It used to be (or at least we all thought), that he was just a lightweight - he was luggage long before anyone else was feeling the effects. That by itself got old quickly - e.g., I'd be the DD at every social event, we'd leave parties early because he was useless, etc. He wouldn't cause a scene, he just stand there talking gibberish with a dumb smile on his face. Underlying this, he has some anxiety issues that have worsened over the years (aggravated by deaths of some close family members). Anyway, to fast forward this backstory, over the past few years at least, he drinks more often (I'd guess daily or close to it), his relationship with the oldest has deteriorated, she has zero tolerance for him, and obviously our relationship has morphed into me feeling like I have 5 kids instead of 4. When he drinking, he is disengaged, parking himself in the basement for hours and hours, not interacting with us unless he's needed to drive the kids somewhere (which makes me nervous for obvious reasons). I could go on, but I think you get the picture. There is no violence or anger, it's just me being the parent and him along for the ride. He is employed, but I make more and work more hours. I pay all the bills, handle everything to do with the house and kids. Basically, all the stress and all the responsibility is on me, all the time. It's like he gets a free pass to just live here. Every couple of years, I flip out, and he tries AA, but it hasn't stuck. I think we are on our 4th round right now. About 18 months ago, we went to marriage counseling, he acknowledged that he had a problem, entered an outpatient program, did AA, and lasted about 5 months sober. He even made it through the summer which I thought had to be extra challenging. When he isn't drinking, he immediately becomes the "old" husband and father - caring, engaged, etc. , which makes me hopeful. Anyway, he started drinking again last Fall, but claimed he was managing it, and while I wasn't happy about it, he was better overall. But sometimes I think the changes are so gradual that I don't notice them until we've been living it and I wake up and think "What the hell, have I been living under a rock? How did I not notice this was our life?" Fast forward to this summer and fall and we'd have occasional showdowns, where I would see beer cans in his car, find empties in random places, etc. But for the most part, I had just resigned myself to this being our life - putting up with this because I love him, the kids love him, and he worships us even if he can't stay sober. I just figured I would hang in as long as I could. In the first week of October, after I caught him opening a beer at noon on Monday (working from home that week), found an open one half drunk on Wednesday at 1 pm, and my neighbor mentioned that she thought he was drinking middle of the day on Tuesday, I had finally reached my breaking point (again). I confronted him and said that I was done, ready to file for divorce. He cried and begged for another chance. Swore he was going to "fix this." I struggled with what to do. I went back to the marriage counselor by myself. He started AA, made a call to the outpatient program but they were supposedly booked for the program they recommended for him (relapse prevention?), and made an effort to be super husband/super dad. Threw out all the beer, cleaned the basement and his car of all the empties, etc. Things seemed to be going well for a few weeks, and I was encouraged. I agreed to try so long as he stayed in AA, got into the outpatient program, and understood that this was really, really, his last chance. That I was done with the roller coaster. Here is my current dilemma. Two weeks ago, I was convinced that he had been drinking that day. He swore up and down that he wasn't, was completely offended that I would accuse him. I told him I still didn't believe him, but if I was falsely accusing him, that I was sorry but that he didn't get to be offended because he was the one who created this lack of trust in the first place. He also claimed that any empties I saw the in the recycle bin were old. The day of this confrontation, I found a case of beer in the basement. It disappeared the next day. While I still believe he was drinking that day (and am infuriated that he continues to lie about it), I was hopeful that he had tossed that case of beer and that it was just a temporary setback. (I swear I am getting to the end of this story soon). For that week, I didn't confront him at all, but I did all the snooping things that people tell you not to do. I found empties in our recycle bin and in our neighbor's (we take out her trash, she is an old lady who doesn't drink Bud Light!). I noticed that he did not attend AA all week. He also was not in the outpatient program he promised to get into. Basically, not holding up his end of this bargain. Last weekend, I went away with my sisters to visit my oldest in college. The night before I stumbled across an open case of beer in the basement - definitely hidden behind a baby gate, and I only came across it because I was feeding the cat which my husband usually does. My guess is that it was the same case that disappeared the week before, he just moved it to a new place. At that point, I decided to take the youngest with me because I just didn't know what to expect with him - whether he'd be sober, or if he'd be drinking and leaving her to be cared for by her older brother and sister, which isn't fair to them. From what I could tell from our conversations that weekend, he was sober. He had cleaned out the garage, raked the leaves, went to church and AA. The case of beer was gone when I got back, but truthfully, I don't think he drank it. He went to more AA meetings this past week. I was hopeful, yet again, that he was back on the right path. We were supposed to go to a surprise birthday party tonight, that I gave him the option of skipping, but he said he was ok with going. A couple of hours beforehand, I went downstairs to the basement and he was sound asleep in the lazy boy. I went in the garage and sure enough, there was an empty on the shelf. I canceled going to the party because I just cannot pretend that things are all hunky dory. I took our son to his hockey game, and AH woke up right after we got home. I told him that I canceled going to the party and he asked why (he was acting fine), so I decided to be honest and said it was because I found an empty in the garage. He is pissed - claims he has been sober for 60 days (it hasn't even been 45 since this whole thing started - if he was really counting, wouldn't he know that? isn't that part of the program?), and that I keep falsely accusing him after he is trying so hard. I told him that I agreed that he was trying hard, but why couldn't he explain where the empty can came from? Why was there a case of beer hidden last week? He even said he'd go to the drugstore and get home breathalyzers so I could test him whenever he wanted. So now he is sulking in the basement and I am steaming up in the living room. I just feel like I am being gaslighted. I try to have faith and be hopeful, but then I feel like a sucker. It just brings me back to all the soul-searching I did a month ago when I said I was done - done with the roller coaster, done with a husband who acted more like a child, just done. And now I feel like I've been taken. But then some tiny part of me wonders if he could possibly be telling the truth. And then I go back to asking how these empties magically appear. Ugh. Sorry for taking up so much space here. As you can see, I am venting and need to get this off my chest. Any thoughts or advice for me?

PhoenixJ

mm- that guy in your basement? Well that was me. Lying, manipulating, emotional blackmail. Anything it took so long as I could JUST have one more drink. Then of course I would have to plan for the second and so on. Of course there had to be enough to cope with the hangover. But since my ex hung around- obviously everything was ok. She was still here- that gave me permission to act like a bastard. Well it got to the stage where I nearly burnt myself to death falling asleep in a stupor because of a ciggie. My family disowned me from that moment.
They had to. It was time for me to either kill myself properly or pull my finger out and stop acting like a spoilt victim/child. They are truly better off with out me.
You need to heal, be safe and be rewarded with life by being happy- or at least being able to deal with it on a level playing field.
I blamed alcohol, life, getting fired, my childhood, my alcoholic father, deaths in the family, depression. I would have blamed mars, the ads for booze on TV and the brand of toilet paper in the house if it meant getting to that addictive lover- alcohol. Nothing else mattered- even my own life. Am ok now starting a new life, alone and sober. My family ARE getting on with their lives. You need to do the same? SR has lots of threads- surf for a bit, so much wisdom in these virtual pages. Prayers to you and your family- including your ex (?). I was there only too recently- it is a dark, hellish place. Unfortunately he cannot get out of the hole he has dug for himself unless he wants to. You cannot pull him out if he does not want to go. Attempts at AA are just that. Either go- or do not. Either stop drinking or do not.
PJ

LexieCat

You can trust your senses, and your common sense. Of COURSE he has been drinking.

Don't even think about the breathalyzer. Bad idea for both of you. It's not your job to be the booze police--especially not with everything else on your plate.

The roller coaster didn't stop, it just slowed down. I'd suggest you either get off or buckle in.

Have you talked with a lawyer? Might be a good first move. At least you'll have an idea what your options might be (separation/divorce).

honeypig

Hi, mm, and welcome to SR. Hope you find what you need here.

The early parts of my story are kind of like yours--it seemed like XAH was making an effort, was going to meetings, etc., but there was always resentment about how the time he spent going to these meetings was "making my life just as unmanageable as the drinking was", or so he claimed. The number of meetings slowly declined. He'd make a point of calling his sponsor within my earshot and then having a 30-second conversation, just to show me that he was indeed calling.

I suspected him of drinking many times and he almost always denied it. I only looked for his stash once, and found it, at which time he broke down and told me that his months of alleged sobriety were all a myth; he'd never been sober for more than a few days at a time. And during all this, I felt that since he was trying, I needed to wait. I hadn't figured out yet that it wasn't about what he said, it was about what he did. The former was confusing; the latter was crystal clear.

We were together 21 years, married 19. We divorced about a year and a half ago. He still holds the job he's had for a number of years. His apartment is good enough, in a decent neighborhood. I do think he's happier, simply b/c he can spend money w/o hiding it and drink w/o having to try to appear sober.

How much of what he did was manipulation and how much was actually an honest effort, I will never know. In the end, I came to believe what so many here had told me--the only measurement that mattered was what I found acceptable. I eventually, slowly, painfully came to realize that I deserved better than to be lied to and ignored while working 2 jobs to try to get ahead while XAH spent our savings on alcohol and cigarettes (he lied about smoking too).

I still love him, and I hope he finds sobriety at some point before his life is over, but there is nothing I can do to make that happen. I can only take care of me, and I'm doing that to the best of my ability, w/the help of my friends here at SR.

honeypig

Also wanted to second Lexie's recommendation to trust yourself, your senses and your common sense. Starting in my FOO, I have a lifetime of being told that what I see/hear/feel is wrong/inaccurate/nonexistent, so it was natural for me to believe XAH when he denied being drunk, "explained" why the finances didn't add up, and so on. Looking back, I was NOT wrong about an awful lot of it, and you likely aren't either.

AnvilheadII

cases of beer don't just magically appear.....or disappear.....YOU KNOW THIS. it's time to trust what you SEE and know what you know.

please don't let him drive your precious children. ever. the possible consequences are horrifying.

when people keep showing us who they are, it's time to believe them.

FeelingGreat

Hi mm, yes of course he's drinking again and it's not very fair of him to imply that there's something wrong with you because you've confronted him on it. I once had my very drunk sister denying to my face she had been drinking - I still find it hard to get my head around that.

Back to your husband. There are probably many motivations to lie but I bet the first one in his mind is that you said it was his last chance. He's going to lose a lot; his comfortable home, his basement drinking set up, possibly his marriage.

I know you say he's a good father, but when he's drinking he's making himself unavailable to you all and it's getting worse. It sounds like he just can't get what it takes together for sobriety. He starts off ok, but it's not easy to stop drinking (I'm a recovered A who tried many times before it 'clicked'.) It seems that once the immediate threat is gone the cravings return.

You have some decisions to make. If you're not ready to separate, stop threatening but make preparations financially and practically so if it gets to that point you'll be ready.

PhoenixJ

Here for support- all of us. Together we make quite a nice person.

hearthealth

Hello mm aand welcome. If he's not drinking he would have no reason to have a case of beer around. You stated you leave parties early because of him. Wouldn't it be nice to stay at parties longer? You also state your nervous about him driving and oldest daughter does not have a good relationship with him. I to have minimized and also need to set boundaries. I wish you well while you decide what's best for you and your children.

bluebird418

Welcome! I hope my advice does not come across a harsh. But I know this feeling well, as do many of us on this board. He is lying to you and playing on your desire to believe him to get by. He has heard you threaten to leave and say "this is it" so many times, that he doesn't really believe it anymore, so he continues to do what he wants, lies, manipulates, hides and gets more creative if he has to to hide his drinking. My suggestion would be to either do what you said, he has obviously been drinking and is far past his last chance, or buckle in for the long haul. It won't do anyone any good in this current cycle. I know that it must be difficult with your children involved, and it is easier said than done, but don't fool yourself into believing hes being honest when you know deep down hes not.

biminiblue

You know your own Truth.

I pray you will honor yourself and the precious children with whom you have been entrusted.

You have no control over him. I'm so sorry it has come to this - but it has.

mm127

Thank you to everyone for your words - it really helped to hear it. I know I should trust my instincts, it's just so disheartening. The update is almost laughable. We had an emotional confrontation on Sunday morning, and I demanded honesty (you can start laughing now), even if it meant admitting that he "slipped", etc., etc. I got tears and more promises. I went to work and met him at my mother's for a birthday dinner and could already tell he had been drinking. Not stumbling drunk, but like you all said, I should trust my instincts. He didn't even last 6 hours! The real kicker is that on Monday, there was a brand new 12 pack "hidden" in the exact same spot as the magically appearing and disappearing case of beer from the week before. Seriously? The exact same spot? I'm not only married to an alcoholic, I'm married to an idiot. Add that to the empties in the recycling bin and I am just laughing that I could ever have been questioning myself or my sanity on Saturday. Well, my sanity might still be questionable. Anyway, I really do appreciate the support. I am going to ride it out through the holidays and make a decision in January. That will give me time to figure out the practical aspects as well. Happy Thanksgiving!

firebolt

Hang in there, MM. There's no shame in WANTING to believe someone you love.

He is really, really sick.

That doesn't mean you have to go down with him. Your life is very, very important, and kids need a happy healthy mama!

I hope you have a good Thanksgiving.