Dealing with blame and abuse from alcoholic family systems
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 202
Dealing with blame and abuse from alcoholic family systems
------------------
*** WARNING: The full article linked to and quoted below is titled "The Grooming Process of Discrediting Children and the Cycle of Abuse", so be warned if you have experienced abuse as a child or as an adult you may find the information discussed in the article and post below triggering / upsetting and you may prefer not to read the full article and post below.
The article says "This ‘grooming process’ is the same for all abuse and all abuse has its foundation in psychological abuse" ... so though the article is not primarily about alcohol, it arguably has some important parallels to some alcoholic family systems that groom and blame the sober spouse. ***
------------------
Hi all,
Many people on the forum have written about not only dealing with an alcoholic spouse, but also blame and resistance being directed at the sober spouse, coming from the alcoholic and from the alcoholic spouse's family of origin.
There have been a number of stories told on the forum of when the sober spouse tries to get help for the alcoholic, the sober spouse finds themselves attacked, discredited and blamed by the alcoholic and / or the alcoholic's family of origin.
I stumbled across an article this week, part of which which absolutely struck a chord for me in terms of the dynamics and manipulation that can occur in alcoholic family systems.
I figured that since it helped me to read it, it may help others too.
A quote from the article ...
As mentioned above, the full article is titled "The Grooming Process of Discrediting Children and the Cycle of Abuse", so be warned if you have experienced abuse as a child or as an adult you may find the article triggering / upsetting and you may prefer not to read the article.
But for people who have been subjected to gaslighting and blame from your alcoholic spouse and / or your alcoholic spouse's family of origin, there may be parallels in the article that you had not thought of before or been able to put into words.
Here is the full article ...
The Grooming Process of Discrediting Children and the Cycle of Abuse :: Emerging From Broken
*** WARNING: The full article linked to and quoted below is titled "The Grooming Process of Discrediting Children and the Cycle of Abuse", so be warned if you have experienced abuse as a child or as an adult you may find the information discussed in the article and post below triggering / upsetting and you may prefer not to read the full article and post below.
The article says "This ‘grooming process’ is the same for all abuse and all abuse has its foundation in psychological abuse" ... so though the article is not primarily about alcohol, it arguably has some important parallels to some alcoholic family systems that groom and blame the sober spouse. ***
------------------
Hi all,
Many people on the forum have written about not only dealing with an alcoholic spouse, but also blame and resistance being directed at the sober spouse, coming from the alcoholic and from the alcoholic spouse's family of origin.
There have been a number of stories told on the forum of when the sober spouse tries to get help for the alcoholic, the sober spouse finds themselves attacked, discredited and blamed by the alcoholic and / or the alcoholic's family of origin.
I stumbled across an article this week, part of which which absolutely struck a chord for me in terms of the dynamics and manipulation that can occur in alcoholic family systems.
I figured that since it helped me to read it, it may help others too.
A quote from the article ...
"Coming out of the fog and Emerging from Broken is a process of seeing the lies that were set so deeply in place that these lies are believed to be true and overturning them. It is a process of seeing the lies for the lies that they are and changing them back to the truth.
Perhaps I didn’t see this consciously when I was in the fog, but it is evident that I believed that I didn’t deserve the other side of respect and that respect wasn’t ‘mutual’. I believed that the way I was taught to prove my love for them was not the way that they should prove their love for me. In order to believe and accept that lie, I had to believe that I was ‘less valuable’ than they were ~ which is exactly what their actions taught me in the first place. I had to believe in the dysfunctional pecking order system where I was less and they were more and I would never be as valuable as they were in order to survive in it. My parents and other adults communicated to me by their actions that I was ‘worth less’ than they were. As a child, I had no choice but to accept that I was worthless and try to survive by compliance and obedience to their actions and messages about me.
If someone can get you to believe you are worth less than they are, they can make you look at yourself instead of at them. As long as I was looking at what was wrong with me, (which is survival and there isn’t a better way to try to cope when we are children) I was trying harder to make them like and accept me.
Everything changed when I finally took a look at the truth. Everything changed when I realized that I was being controlled by the fear of the consequences of standing up to them. Everything changed when I realized that I was no longer that child and that I had become an adult with real choices. Everything changed when I realized that my biggest fear was that they would reject me and that truth was that they already had. It had already happened when they didn’t see me as having equal worth as an individual and when they invalidated and disregarded me by their actions or inactions.
When I stood up to that dysfunctional family system and declared my own value, I got dumped. When I insisted that I deserved the same respect that was demanded of me, everyone was shocked. I was rejected because I asked for something unheard of in a dysfunctional and abusive family system; I asked to be regarded as having equal value."
Perhaps I didn’t see this consciously when I was in the fog, but it is evident that I believed that I didn’t deserve the other side of respect and that respect wasn’t ‘mutual’. I believed that the way I was taught to prove my love for them was not the way that they should prove their love for me. In order to believe and accept that lie, I had to believe that I was ‘less valuable’ than they were ~ which is exactly what their actions taught me in the first place. I had to believe in the dysfunctional pecking order system where I was less and they were more and I would never be as valuable as they were in order to survive in it. My parents and other adults communicated to me by their actions that I was ‘worth less’ than they were. As a child, I had no choice but to accept that I was worthless and try to survive by compliance and obedience to their actions and messages about me.
If someone can get you to believe you are worth less than they are, they can make you look at yourself instead of at them. As long as I was looking at what was wrong with me, (which is survival and there isn’t a better way to try to cope when we are children) I was trying harder to make them like and accept me.
Everything changed when I finally took a look at the truth. Everything changed when I realized that I was being controlled by the fear of the consequences of standing up to them. Everything changed when I realized that I was no longer that child and that I had become an adult with real choices. Everything changed when I realized that my biggest fear was that they would reject me and that truth was that they already had. It had already happened when they didn’t see me as having equal worth as an individual and when they invalidated and disregarded me by their actions or inactions.
When I stood up to that dysfunctional family system and declared my own value, I got dumped. When I insisted that I deserved the same respect that was demanded of me, everyone was shocked. I was rejected because I asked for something unheard of in a dysfunctional and abusive family system; I asked to be regarded as having equal value."
But for people who have been subjected to gaslighting and blame from your alcoholic spouse and / or your alcoholic spouse's family of origin, there may be parallels in the article that you had not thought of before or been able to put into words.
Here is the full article ...
The Grooming Process of Discrediting Children and the Cycle of Abuse :: Emerging From Broken
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 508
This post is very interesting but the link is broken so I am unable to read the full article.
The idea that there is some dysfunctional cycle running through the heart of families with problems is not new but there is more research being done.
The emotional and psychological abuse can and does cause many difficulties for those growing up within these families and many children are unable to heal from these types of dysfunctional until there are adults and wonder what happened!
Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself
The idea that there is some dysfunctional cycle running through the heart of families with problems is not new but there is more research being done.
The emotional and psychological abuse can and does cause many difficulties for those growing up within these families and many children are unable to heal from these types of dysfunctional until there are adults and wonder what happened!
Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 202
Originally Posted by CelticZebra 
This post is very interesting but the link is broken so I am unable to read the full article.
This link to Google will also give you a link to the article ...
https://www.google.com/search?q=The+...Cycle+of+Abuse
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
I really enjoyed your post and the part of the article.
Not only does this happen in a spouse's family, it happened to me in my family of origin.
Rather than spend more energy trying to figure out the dynamics and "just get along," I left the family system and am "no contact" with them.
I am open to reconciliation ONLY to those family members who want to liberate themselves from that system. I believe the family culture in my case was malignant and un-repairable. The only sane thing I could do was leave it.
Not only does this happen in a spouse's family, it happened to me in my family of origin.
Rather than spend more energy trying to figure out the dynamics and "just get along," I left the family system and am "no contact" with them.
I am open to reconciliation ONLY to those family members who want to liberate themselves from that system. I believe the family culture in my case was malignant and un-repairable. The only sane thing I could do was leave it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
Originally Posted by Eauchiche
I really enjoyed your post and the part of the article.
Not only does this happen in a spouse's family, it happened to me in my family of origin.
Rather than spend more energy trying to figure out the dynamics and "just get along," I left the family system and am "no contact" with them.
I am open to reconciliation ONLY to those family members who want to liberate themselves from that system. I believe the family culture in my case was malignant and un-repairable. The only sane thing I could do was leave it.
Not only does this happen in a spouse's family, it happened to me in my family of origin.
Rather than spend more energy trying to figure out the dynamics and "just get along," I left the family system and am "no contact" with them.
I am open to reconciliation ONLY to those family members who want to liberate themselves from that system. I believe the family culture in my case was malignant and un-repairable. The only sane thing I could do was leave it.
Same for me. Once I got over the guilt ("but they're your FAMILY") things improved for me a lot mentally
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 508
Thanks for the link. I've now rad the article and a few more from this lady's website and she has a lot of good truths that make good sense.
Emotional Intelligence is prime in re-learning those dysfunctional processes that have us so confused.
Thank you for this.
Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself
Emotional Intelligence is prime in re-learning those dysfunctional processes that have us so confused.
Thank you for this.
Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
I just heard yesterday from an old friend of my parents from 45 years ago. She fits the profile of this article to a "T".
I went no contact with her early this year, in part because of her frequent anti-Catholic jabs. There was another one of those in yesterday's e-mail. My sense with personalities like her, is that they are looking for obedient souls to gather around them.
I guess this is my season to recognize and detach from people like this, family or otherwise. They seem to be happening in spades.
I went no contact with her early this year, in part because of her frequent anti-Catholic jabs. There was another one of those in yesterday's e-mail. My sense with personalities like her, is that they are looking for obedient souls to gather around them.
I guess this is my season to recognize and detach from people like this, family or otherwise. They seem to be happening in spades.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
