Redtractor

Well a year on nearly since my life changed again. My husband the A asked for a divorce on Christmas day, we had been separated 6 months ( I asked him to move out due to an affair with his ex) we had lived together for 5 years but been best friends 10, and had been out 10 years ago. Unfortunately his drinking had been up and down over the years , mainly up over the year after we got married, I realise now I had been a co-dependant and played my role in that one, however I truly loved my husband so when he asked for a divorce but to stay friends I said I couldn't do that. My head couldn't go from being a wife the week before to being in the friends box the week after. He respected that and we didn't speak until today.
A friend had seen him for a coffee last week , he told her he realised now what he had put me through, he said that it wasn't all my fault that we had split up and he had F...... up big time. He thought I was mad with him still and asked her to pass on a hello to me,( after a 2 grand legal separation I am not overly pleased with him, it would have cost half that if he had filled the paperwork honestly instead of lying about assets in when asked , ) I decided to be the bigger person and send him a text, just a polite, hello, hope you are well , hope recovery is going well , this is what im doing, miss you but keeping busy. He replied within a minute and said he had done 11 months sober ( which isn't actually true as we were on holiday in November and he was drinking then) and taking one step at a time. sent my daughter and I lots of love which was nice. I feel better for doing it. Do in you're experience you find that ex A tell the truth? I know hes done well but I also know his best friend told me he still drinks occasionally and I know hes smoking weed still. Is he in his own little world? I know he started AA over a year ago, would go to a meeting and go home and drink. seemed daft to me. He is now holding his own 12 step meetings, how can he lecture other people on staying sober if he isnt following the rules himself. I really want him to do this for him ,and also because I know the man I fell in love with is still there somwhere.

LexieCat

There's no such thing as an "ex alcoholic."

Who told you he's "holding his own 12 step meetings"? And if he's still drinking and smoking weed, he isn't sober.

Sounds like you were doing better before your little text exchange. I'd go back to no contact if I were you.

LeeJane

I would strongly urge go back to no contact too. He is reeling you in with his BS. Run. You deserve better.

He isn't sober.

dandylion

Redtractor...he is faaar from sober. He has alcoholic drinking and alcoholic thinking...lol......
I agree, that you sound dangerously close to being sucked back in...because it sounds like you are still hanging on to hope....
He has a powerful condition that WILL BE THERE FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE...
Sounds like he is trying to do "controlled" drinking....and, doing the minimum that he thinks will convince others to return to the status quo of enabling him.
He is still lying to himself (listening to the siren call of the alcoholic voice that whispers into his ear every day 24-7).
so, how in the world can you expect him to stop "lying" to you?
Please, please, continue to learn more about alcoholism...
Knowledge is power....

I suggest that it would be a good idea for you to re-read the articles written by Floyd P. Garrett......google bma-wellness.com

AnvilheadII

because I know the man I fell in love with is still there somwhere.

this statement always makes me uncomfortable.......as if a person can be sliced and diced into points of time and remain static, waiting to be reconstituted.

he is who he is TODAY. this is who he has become. the person (or persona) that you fell in love with so many years ago, was just as flawed. if i recall (forgive me if i got this wrong), he got drunk and rolled the car with his own children in it.

as far as drinking and attending AA - that's how every alcoholic GETS there.....there isn't a rule that one must FIRST be sober. nor is it unusual for one to still drink after starting AA. it's not a cure, it's a program that only works if one adheres to the recommendations, stays sober and works the steps.

he's not done yet. he's not cured. he's not all better.

Thomas45

I think you did a good job of answering your own question. He can't be sober if he revisits his drug of choice every now and then.

Eauchiche

You know, I finally figured out what is most like active, hidden alcoholism:
Vampirism.
They present themselves well, but you have to worry about them biting you on the neck.

atalose

He can't and he's not sober. He's playing with your emotions and vulnerability.

Life hasn't moved on for him and if you re-engage with him life won't move on for you either. Go back to no contact.

maia1234

No contact my friend, you are falling for hook, line and sinker..... run and run fast!!

Cyranoak

Respectfully, you don't. You don't know this. In fact, you don't even know if the "man you fell in love with" is real. Alcoholics thrive on people like me and you who romanticize real life as if it's a book or movie.

If he ever, ever, every achieves long-term sobriety you might get to know the real man and then, and only then, will you know if there's a man worthy of loving.

Please consider Alanon if you aren't already attending if you don't want chocoholic relationships the rest of your life.

Good luck!

C-

Maudcat

Hey, Redtractor. Have to go with the majority opinion on this one. Sounds like he is trying to come back into your life. I don't like to generalize, and try not to, but....seems like active alcoholics are always looking for a co-conspirator. Except that the co-conspirator ends up climbing out of the inevitable car wreck. Al-Anon can be very helpful. Good luck.