Ariesagain

He's chasing other women because he's shopping for his next enabler and
because it might make you jealous enough to reconsider.

Stay strong. The only way to win is to refuse to play.

Smarie78

Don't forget that A's will go to great lengths to avoid pain at any cost. They often times cannot fathom being alone so it makes perfect sense that he needed to have someone waiting in the wings when your relationship ended. My Abf did this (while I was with him mind you) and blamed it on fear that I was going to dump him knowing I was close to hitting my bottom.

The truth is, he can't handle not having someone to either enable or distract him from his responsibilities like getting sober and getting his life together. Having a girl at the ready lets him prolong his addiction. Please do not feel you weren't valuable or loved to him - A's are incredibly selfish and experts at avoiding pain. As soon as they sense you've had enough, they find someone else to stand in. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you and miss you, it means that facing reality is too difficult.

letitend

You know I am fresh out of a relationship with my xABF. I would say that since he moved back in this last time, it never felt right between us again in the sense of a relationship. As I look back now, it has never felt right. It just used to feel better and be more fun than the hell it turned into.

The xABF has a job and is working, currently seems to be doing well. After just a week and a half, I think he is talking to girls. Does it hurt, yeah, a little. It stings. I can feel myself go back into those same thoughts that put me in this whole mess in the 1st place. Questions like, "Why am I not good enough?" "Why doesn't he love me like I love him?" "Why can he get sober now?" go thru my head. Then I break out my rational thoughts and answer, "He isn't good enough for me, that's why it is over." "I love myself and my son more than him" and my last and favorite, "He only SAYS he is CUTTING back" ring in my ears and i KNOW in my HEART and HEAD that he is not even close to sobriety. I am better than that. Does it hurt that he keeps choosing this path? Yes, that does hurt. But, I have to love him from afar. I am not in love with him in the sense that I want to go thru one more day of living in a hellish nightmare, but I do love him enough to hope that one day, he can get better.

I understand your pain GB. I can only say that once you get away from the daily nightmare, you will heal. I am here with you, in spirit. I know you got this.

Bekindalways

Ugh Gbriezy! Sounds tough.

Sigh . . . I hate to admit it but I have a bit of the crazy ex-girlfriend in my psyche.

Be kind to yourself. Get that hotel room if you need to and be sure to pick up some bubble bath before you check-in!

gbriezy

Texted him today in a weak moment. He said he was happy and that he's surprised I'm not because he's had to put up with my unhappiness for years. That's why we're breaking up according to him -- my unhappiness. Also 'lifestyle differences'. He likes to stay at home (and drink) and I like to do things (his words). Well that was a reality check that made me immediately drop the nostalgia.

gbriezy

He also texted me to wash all the dishes because he's taking them. Sigh.

Ariesagain

If you contact him, he wins. You might as well hand him a knife and stand there, because you know you'll end up hurt.

And he can wash the dishes.

gbriezy

Yep, me contacting him gives him all the power. Bleh. At least it made me stop tearing up!

ladyscribbler

Ugh. You're not alone with the A rewriting history to suit themselves. According to my ex I left because I got in a fight with his mom.

As for the dishes, dump them in a bag or box(dirty and clean) and leave them outside for him. Then go hit up the Goodwill and buy yourself a fabulous set of vintage china.

Any reason you can't block his number and save yourself from dealing with all this crap?

LexieCat

NO good to come from communicating further apart from essential logistics.

So stop. When you get the urge, find something else to do. It will pass.

dandylion

For Pete's sake...DO NOT wash the dishes....like Ladyscribbler suggested...pile them all, unwashed, into a box outside.....
You are not the household help.....

ladyscribbler

If you're feeling ornery, head over to Dollar Tree and get him one of those huge bottles of dish soap and a pack of sponges and put it in with the dishes.

LexieCat

Orrrrr.... Find some friendly neighborhood dogs to lick them clean.

You wouldn't have to say HOW you got them so sparkling...

gbriezy

Well to be fair, they're mostly dishes I made dirty. But it still pissed me off.

Maudcat

I haven't experienced your situation, gbriezy, so can't speak to it with any authority. From things I have read in books and on this forum, it's pretty classic A behavior to find someone else just after (or before!) a break-up. I confess that it puzzles me. Are alcoholics afraid to be alone? Do they need a constant prop, as it were.? There is so much about this disease that baffles me. Anyway, good luck. You will feel much better when you have your own space.

ladyscribbler

Mine married my replacement within a few months of me leaving. He was at the level of alcoholism that basically required constant caretaking in order to survive. His biggest complaint after I left was that he had to do his own laundry. He later tried to use his new relationship as proof of his normalcy and functionality during our custody fight. That didn't work out so well for him, but at least he has someone to wash his clothes.

Maudcat

Whoa! Enlightenment time! So I made the above post and went to the kichen for lunch. While making a grilled cheese ham and tomato sandwich (delish, btw) I realized that the alcoholic in my life, my younger sib, has NEVER lived alone. Went from his parents' house to an apt. With gf, then wife. Back to mom's after divorce, lived with various gf's til they got tired of his shenanigans and booted him, so back to mom's where he lives to this day. So there might be something to this I'm-a-drinker-and-I-don't-want-to-be-by-myself stuff. Thanks, everyone, for your posts that led me to this insight. Pulling for you, gbriezy. Peace.

Ariesagain

Codependents mourn, addicts replace.

Maudcat

Thanks, Ladyscribbler, for your post. Maybe that should become part of a match.com profile. "Seeking a partner with flexible views about blackout drinking and knows how to work a washing machine. Familiarity with courtrooms a plus." (Smiling while shaking my head). Peace.

firebolt

You could give them a scrub in the toilet if you're feeling super obligated