Praying

I had an amazing weekend on the beach with a group of women from across the country who are all friends with my best friend from high school - for her 40th birthday. So cool to spend three days with women in various stages of their lives who've all been through their own things.

Anyway, as I sat on the deck Saturday overlooking the beach, I was watching some small boys running around in the waves. It made me sort of wistful for the days my young boys ran freely at the beach (we loved the beach)--before all of the issues entered their lives and tore their eager innocence away. I hung onto that thought for a while, watching.

Then one boy fell and another seemed to tease him--and he bawled deeply for a while before they all jumped up again and ran back into the waves.

In that moment it hit me--at his young age (maybe 4?), perhaps what just happened was as deeply emotional painful to him as what we experience as teens or adults in "bigger" situations. Given his developmental stage and what he's experienced to date, the depth of that pain could be incredible. Haven't we all rolled our eyes a bit at young kids being SO dramatic about what we deem to be nonevents?

Then it struck me how incredibly happy I am right now. I've been through some horrendous things, but I am just so happy--I know myself deeply, I value myself, I see beauty in many things, I have so many things I want to do, and I'm loving meeting new people from all walks of life. The gift of knowing and honoring oneself is huge. I couldn't have all this without the trials I've endured. I might have never explored these things--I may have lived a shell of a life if not faced with these soul-baring events. In fact, I even looked at some of my younger friends and thought--I sure hope you make it to where I am and don't just live through your cookie-cutter life without learning who you really are... I wouldn't trade who and where I am today for anything.

And I realized...that boy on the beach needed to fall. My boys need to experience pain and heartbreak and highs and lows and challenges that may break my heart. Each of these experiences is helping them grow into their future selves. It's up to us to choose to learn and become more of who we are every step of the way.

We're meant to fall. We're meant to hurt. And from the time we're small, these things are placed in our paths to help prepare us.

I've known logically that my kids need to experience ups and downs- but emotionally I've always wished I could protect them (and want to lash out at anyone who willfully hurts them). And I still feel "responsible" for them and who they become. But watching these boys in the waves, I knew in my heart that my children have their own paths, and they are independent of me and mine. They may struggle and fall, they may choose pain...and that will be their path. I will simply love them anyway and let them live. It's the closest I've come to understanding how the mothers on here can deal with an addicted child...and I just have to say that in that moment on that beach...I could see how learning to love and let go of a child in addiction might just be the purest, most true form of love. I get it. You moms are an incredible example. Thank you.

My kids will be okay. Or they won't. But it won't be because I didn't try my best. And it won't be mine to fix. All I can do is love them and let them live their lives while I live mine.

(And maybe make dinner occasionally.)

dandylion

This is the same sentiment that is put forth by Kalil Gilbran in "The Profet"

Praying

Dandy, I've never read that and was intrigued after your post--I'm not sure if what I found online is the actual text or not, but the parts-

"On Marriage" and
"On Children"

are so perfect! I wish I had this knowledge years ago.

Thanks for sharing.

http://www-personal.umich.edu/~jrcol...t.htm#Marriage

Kboys

Thanks for that great post Praying <3

maia1234

Praying,
Thanks for your insight. I do believe that everything in my life is a stepping stone to where I am going. I wouldn't be here if I didn't experience this....

I am sure as hard of a time, all the women and men on these forums have had, they would not change their past for someone elses. Life is about many hurdles. We jump, some times make it over and sometimes not. But eventually we learn how to get over those hurdles, it becomes easier over time. We learn what we r doing wrong, practice hard, and eventually we succeed more then we fail.

I am so happy u r at peace, today. That is all God offers us, one day at a time. Hugs my friend, you have worked hard for that day on the beach.

SoloMio

The Prophet by Gibran is one of my favorite books, and these passages are two of my favorite passages. So much wisdom in so few lines of poetry!

My aspiration as a parent has always been think of my children as coming through me but not of me. That is so powerful--it takes all the possessiveness and ego out of parenting.

And I think On Marriage: the whole imagery of "the pillars of the temple stand apart" is exactly what a codependent like me needs to hear!!

BTW, Gibran actually died at the age of 48 of alcoholism/liver cancer.