desperatesister

Sister got out of rehab last Thursday and went to a halfway house with "structure"......today she got kicked out. It really stresses me out that she is homeless. Please help me to stay on course. I get phone called everyday. I am very tired of dealing with it. It's been 19 years in July.

D122y

What is your course. To help her or not?

We are here to try and help w our encouragement and opinions.

PuzzledHeart

How did your mother take the news? Do you have the same safety concerns as you did in the past?

desperatesister

I have been thinking about just providing a place for her to live. She is violent when she drinks and I can't allow her around my kids or my mother. Every place she has been evicted from every place she has lived for being disruptive and fighting. The police say it's a magistrate charge for hitting someone so they won't arrest her. They just write her a ticket and she doesn't go to jail. So again I find myself in a terrible position......if I do nothing I get phone calls from police, friends, etc. telling me about it and asking me what they should do with her. If I help her I am enabling her and just giving in. At this point I am leaning towards buying something and letting her live in it. The problem with this option is that she is so disruptive that it's not really fair to the people who will live around her. Disaster all the way around. So do I provide the place or not?

desperatesister

I guess my thought is she wouldn't be wandering around showing up at everyone's houses or standing outside grocery stores where we live. Then if she drinks she drinks......

LexieCat

You can simply resign from the job of being responsible for her. If people call and ask what to "do with her" just say, "beats me, I'm not her keeper." It's not as if you haven't TRIED to help her. It's uncomfortable at first, but unless you want this as a full-time job for the rest of your (or her) life, you have to draw the line somewhere.

Maudcat

Desperate, I too have had thoughts of buying something for my AB to live in. But...like your situation, it wouldn't be fair to those living around him. He's not violent. He's a hoarder, and though he isn't homeless, he lives as though he is. The place would be unlivable within a year. We actually own a house with an apt. Where he could live, but I won't do it. We would never get rid of him once he moved in, and he would trash the place. I agree with LexieCat. Hard as it is, step away. You are no longer your sister's keeper. For your own serenity, step back.

dandylion

SesperateSister.....I can understand how the thought of "buying her something to live in" would look attractive to you, under the present circumstances....

But, in reality, from what I have seen....it ends up to be just "buying" , yet again, another piece of responsibility....

Your position, as a family member is a difficult and painful one. I think it always is, when you are connected by genetics...

desperatesister

All of you would be proud of me today. I called the real estate agent and the bank and stopped the purchase of the condo. I am stepping out. No more phone calls, no more problems with this. I know it will be hard as the compassionate side of me will want to help her but in reality I know that I can't help her. Thank you all for your support and I will be reaching out again as I know I will have weak moments.

LexieCat

I'M proud of you, for sure. You could have wound up tens of thousands of dollars in the hole if she trashed the place, let squatter-type friends move in, caused building code violations, the list of potential disasters is endless. Trust me--I'm a responsible, careful homeowner and have had all kinds of problems with my townhouse--I shudder to think what it would have done to my neighbors and my neighborhood if I weren't at least TRYING to stay on top of things.

I know people who have quite literally gone from living in cars or, in at least one case, a cardboard box, to sobriety, when they decided that their glamorous lives weren't all it was cracked up to be.

Ariesagain

Thank goodness. All it would have done is convince her further that her life is your responsibility and that any little thing that was wrong with her living situation would be yours to address and pay for. If anything, it would have made things worse.

She's an adult. Let others say what they want...those who don't understand addiction may judge you but they're wrong.

Stay strong.

tomsteve

the people that stayed in my life and enabled,practiced codependency, tried to resue me, etc
were literally loving me to death.
it was when they all walked away from me that i truly and honestly sought help.
after i got sober i had to remove one of my brothers from my life. i havent spoken to him in about 9 years now. yup, it was hard, but i just couldnt watch the trainwreck or handle the lies and insanity.
but time did heal. i still hope he get help and can be a part of not only mine, but our families life again.
and if he gets help
then we can love him to life.

Nata1980

Proud of you for making this choice - you are on your way to recovery!

letitend

Do you really feel like buying a house for her to live in is the right solution? To me, it sounds like a major step towards being codependent and enabling her in a BIG way. Also, you will be tied to her for quite some time. If you don't want to participate in her craziness, tell her to leave you alone, change your number.

Maybe you need a new home for you, one where she doesn't know where you live?

StormiNormi

I rented a house to my A Niece for 6 years.
I genuinely wanted to give her a safe place to live and she promised to get her s*=t together.
She always found an excuse to not allow me inside.
By the time she moved out, i had two trailer loads of garbage and bottles to take to the dump and a 50k$ bill to repair the damages.
A year later she wont speak to me; as according to her, 'I threw her under the bus' by telling the family how she lived.
I dont miss that drama for one millisecond.

Dis-engage. My 2cents

Maudcat

To the alcoholic, it's always someone else's fault, isn't it? You did what you could, then said "enough!" Good for you, Stormi.

NYCDoglvr

I think it would be a mistake to enable her addiction by providing a place. As Lexi said, resign from the job. Of course it's painful but there is literally nothing you can say or do that will affect her drinking. Alanon was a huge help in dealing with a problem like this, the support saved my sanity.

Kissedbyfire

Very proud of you desperatesister.
I can't imagine that was an easy choice once you got it in your head that you wanted to do that for her.
If none of her living situations stick- the one you were about to hand her on a silver platter wouldnt have either and likely would have ended up costing you in the end. Not just your money, but your sanity.
Love her from a distance. The rest is up to her.
You're giving her a gift. She just doesn't know it yet.

desperatesister

So much has happened since I have last posted. I haven't caved-no money, no hotels, no place to stay-my sister is homeless and wandering the streets for months now. I don't believe that she will ever get better. The police found her sleeping on a table in the laundry room at an apartment complex and she was not coherent. They found 3 large bottles of hand sanitizer on her and that is it. She drinks it. She is going to die and I feel awful. I hate every minute of thinking about it. She hasn't tried to reach out except through my husband and recently I think he would have given in if the police called him again. Not sure if I should try again? Such an awful disease. Heartbreaking

Bekindalways

Hey Desperatesister,

Thanks for the update and so sorry to hear about this heartbreak. My qualifier was a longtime boyfriend not a relative however I think anyone of us can have a family member go off the rails.

I wish you could help her but it seems more likely that all you would do is pour your own health and happiness into the sewer of her alcoholism.

As your sister progresses in this disease, please take care of yourself. Has Alanon helped at all?

God bless you and your family and keep us posted.