Odd: Question about Kids, for Al-anon stuff.
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Odd: Question about Kids, for Al-anon stuff.
Well. . . .
A little background: I adopted a little girl 9 years ago, my step daughter lives in an apartment I build onto my house, she had daughter 3 months later. The father is now, XASinLaw. (ex-alcoholic-son-in-law, new to recovery.)
The two girls are best friends.
My grand daughter has always been a little mean, even though she is a nice kid. But she is the type to sneak in meanness when no one is looking. At 2 years old, she intentional hurt my daughter in play and when I would try to break it up, my daughter would insist that she was OK and she wants to keep playing. It was a pattern.
Over the years, I've noticed many times where my daughter would suck-it-up to keep the game going. Not that my daughter is perfect, (I mean, well, she is, but. . . .oh never mind) but if my daughter did something mean the play would stop and tears would be fall. There have been countless events where grand daughter would try to hold my daughter in the room so she couldn't get away, etc.
My daughter is a drug-baby, and has some obsessive qualities, but we have been doing pretty good. But, like I said, my grand daughter has been a little vicious over the years.
Well, two weeks ago, the struggling AF is giving us a hard time and the mother (step daughter) finally takes my grand daughter to therapy. A good therapist actually. All of sudden, my grand daughter is acting happy, and is being kind, and . . . . . . my daughter is losing it. There has been several incidences where she has had breakdowns and words like, "why is she being nice all of a sudden? She has been mean for 4 years and now she is being nice."
It hit me that they had some sort of codependent relationship going on. Is that possible at the age? Any thoughts?
A little background: I adopted a little girl 9 years ago, my step daughter lives in an apartment I build onto my house, she had daughter 3 months later. The father is now, XASinLaw. (ex-alcoholic-son-in-law, new to recovery.)
The two girls are best friends.
My grand daughter has always been a little mean, even though she is a nice kid. But she is the type to sneak in meanness when no one is looking. At 2 years old, she intentional hurt my daughter in play and when I would try to break it up, my daughter would insist that she was OK and she wants to keep playing. It was a pattern.
Over the years, I've noticed many times where my daughter would suck-it-up to keep the game going. Not that my daughter is perfect, (I mean, well, she is, but. . . .oh never mind) but if my daughter did something mean the play would stop and tears would be fall. There have been countless events where grand daughter would try to hold my daughter in the room so she couldn't get away, etc.
My daughter is a drug-baby, and has some obsessive qualities, but we have been doing pretty good. But, like I said, my grand daughter has been a little vicious over the years.
Well, two weeks ago, the struggling AF is giving us a hard time and the mother (step daughter) finally takes my grand daughter to therapy. A good therapist actually. All of sudden, my grand daughter is acting happy, and is being kind, and . . . . . . my daughter is losing it. There has been several incidences where she has had breakdowns and words like, "why is she being nice all of a sudden? She has been mean for 4 years and now she is being nice."
It hit me that they had some sort of codependent relationship going on. Is that possible at the age? Any thoughts?
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Hmm. Maybe. But also, kids are wary of change. Maybe while she was being obviously mean it felt kind of safe. There was no hidden motives to worry about, no 'does she really like me.now she's being nice it must be like an alien taking over. And almost scary because - I'd be asking myself (in her position ) what's she up to? And, when will she go back to mean? And all sorts. I can understand her feeling freaked out by the change. But then I'm a bit codie myself.
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My daughter said things like, "I'm not going to just forgive her after 4 (she forgot a couple) years of being mean."
Yet, they play all the time. They have issues and act more like sisters. My daughter is very bright and observant, but can remember a grudge forever. She was very upset late night, and has been making moves that are obviously meant to upset my grand daughter. Nothing directly hostile, but more passive aggressive, "I'm going to delete Minecraft off my computer" (after she was asked to play online.)
It was just weird. She was screaming mad though, said some very mean things and when asked why, it was like "why is she acting so nice all of a sudden?"
Yet, they play all the time. They have issues and act more like sisters. My daughter is very bright and observant, but can remember a grudge forever. She was very upset late night, and has been making moves that are obviously meant to upset my grand daughter. Nothing directly hostile, but more passive aggressive, "I'm going to delete Minecraft off my computer" (after she was asked to play online.)
It was just weird. She was screaming mad though, said some very mean things and when asked why, it was like "why is she acting so nice all of a sudden?"
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Hello LordChallen, and pleased to "meet" you 
My personal experience is that dysfunction, of any kind, affects kids in completely random ways. Dysfunctional behavior is random in itself, which is why it makes everybody that it touches a little bit crazy. Children, in general, do very well in predictable environments regardless of how damaging it may be.
The classic example are the folks who survived concentration camps as children. Most of them managed to overcome and flourish in spite of the horrors. Those camps were extremely regulated and predictable.
It's the _randomness_ of dysfunction that scrambles a child's brain in very odd ways.
All of which means that it is not possible to come up with a simple answer to how a particular child is affected. Not only is each child unique on their own, they are going to respond in entirely unique ways, and then they are going to randomly change that response for no obvious reason.
Therapy is always the suggested course of action. However, when a child has _one_ healthy parent it makes a huge difference. It's the stability and predictability of the one healthy parent that will compensate for dysfunction. This is where therapy may actually be over kill.
What I have seen work for "one-healthy parenting" is to use a child therapist as an "advisor", or perhaps a "mentor", rather than as therapist. This means checking in with a good therapist once a month, or less, just to get a sense of direction instead of outright therapy.
A solid "Al-Anon for parents" meeting can also be invaluable, but they are hard to find. Some of the larger cities have "Al-A-tot" meetings in addition to Al-Ateen, but those are also scarce.
None of that answers your questions, but I hope it can give you some ideas as to what might be useful for you and your kids.
Mike
Originally Posted by LordChallen 
... It hit me that they had some sort of codependent relationship going on. Is that possible at the age? Any thoughts?
The classic example are the folks who survived concentration camps as children. Most of them managed to overcome and flourish in spite of the horrors. Those camps were extremely regulated and predictable.
It's the _randomness_ of dysfunction that scrambles a child's brain in very odd ways.
All of which means that it is not possible to come up with a simple answer to how a particular child is affected. Not only is each child unique on their own, they are going to respond in entirely unique ways, and then they are going to randomly change that response for no obvious reason.
Therapy is always the suggested course of action. However, when a child has _one_ healthy parent it makes a huge difference. It's the stability and predictability of the one healthy parent that will compensate for dysfunction. This is where therapy may actually be over kill.
What I have seen work for "one-healthy parenting" is to use a child therapist as an "advisor", or perhaps a "mentor", rather than as therapist. This means checking in with a good therapist once a month, or less, just to get a sense of direction instead of outright therapy.
A solid "Al-Anon for parents" meeting can also be invaluable, but they are hard to find. Some of the larger cities have "Al-A-tot" meetings in addition to Al-Ateen, but those are also scarce.
None of that answers your questions, but I hope it can give you some ideas as to what might be useful for you and your kids.
Mike
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