gbriezy

Thank you so much for all of your responses everyone. Reading your stories and advice really is making me feel stronger and more stable. At least in this moment, I know that the relationship needs to end and I will be better off and much happier down the road. I just need to get through this and continually remind myself that these feelings are temporary.

I wish he was already out of our apartment. He hasn't found a new place to live yet, so he'll probably be there for most of September. I'm currently staying at my parents house 45 minutes out of the city but I will need to stay back at my place once I start my new job in a week. For the first two nights I was there after the breakup, he went out with band mates and got wasted. Stumbling in at 3am completely incoherent. At least now he can pretend he has a reason to be *********.

I'm definitely a little worried about the awkwardness of sharing the same space for a few weeks. I'm probably going to be posting a lot... I'm also worried about the timing of me starting a new job. I'll be living alone for the first time and it's just going to be a lot of newness for me. I'm scared.

wanttobehealthy

It is all new. Being afraid is a normal feeling (maybe that helps to tell yourself?).

Fear (for me at least) often has a tendency to translate into "stick with what is known" -- so, as you feel uncomfortable and afraid and don't know what comes next, that to me indicates you're moving away from what is known and into what comes next and that is a good thing in your case.

You're a lot stronger than I was at your age!

Optimist4ever57

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Gbriezy.

Your story is almost identical to mine. My 2nd husband was an alcoholic (only got sober when we started dating) , a musician and an all around narcissist. Almost immediatly after the wedding, I knew the marriage was a mistake, but I stuck with it for 15 years. Through that time, more often than not, I wished he'd leave or disappear. I grew to hate him. But when he finally left me for another woman, I was completely broken...completely.

I didn't understand it. He was a liar, a hypocrite and did so many dishonest things it was ridiculous. He was also a pastor, lead singer in a Christian band and let our church's recover program. He was one thing in front of other but the realy self in front of me. And I still wanted him back....

I spent months in therapy and on medications ( and began my spiral down with alcohol) to help me cope. It did get better with time, though. You have to allow yourself to mourn, as it is a loss, and while you won't wake up tomorrow healed, you will be a bit better and stronger.

There's no time frame for getting over your loss. I hope you begin to feel better soon.... :-)

gbriezy

One of the things I keep fantasizing about is sending an email to his mother explaining his drinking and all of the horrible things I've had to deal with (his money problems, manipulating, occasional physical violence, drunk driving, his poor health and of course his drinking) but I doubt it would give me the satisfaction I'm seeking.

After all these years, I've never gotten close to her. She'll probably bail him out of his credit card debt and give him money for a new apartment (his parents are very wealthy, mine are not). She'll probably even invite him back home (in another state) and provide him with the whiskey to get over me and act like that's a normal way for him to cope. I know she probably realizes he has a problem but she won't fully acknowledge it. She'll never take my side but I hate the thought of him bashing and blaming me in front of his family. The thought of him gloating that HE ended it because I'm not good enough makes my skin crawl.

wanttobehealthy

I never was close to my ex MIL... And when I did contact her with concern about her son, it drove a wedge further --

I think mothers of addicts (my own personal experience here is all I base this on) have this weird enabling/co-dependent thing with their sons (or at least mine did) and I was perceived from the start as coming between she and her son.

When I shone a light on his addiction and the damage it was causing him professionally and the damage it was causing our kids, I expected her to be concerned and care to help her son-- instead, I was blamed and the son-mother dysfunctional bond grew...

Your bf's mother will undoubtedly continue to bail him out, coddle, enable etc...

If you want to write her and tell her what you have to say, by all means, do so- if it helps you. But be prepared to be blamed and told his issues are all your doing and that if you were a better/more loving etc gf, there would be no issues...

It's total BS for her to say that if she does, but I would bet money that she may...

That said, I sent my former MIL a letter when I filed for divorce, imploring her to help her son.... And I got a reply that placed all blame for all issues he had on me...

FindingAmy

Gbriezy, i totally understand how you feel. I was in a 26 year marriage to an alcoholic that for years I talked to my friends about leaving. Then he left me and I felt very abandoned. I did, pathetically, beg him to stay. Looking back now the best thing he ever did for me was refuse to come back. I know right now it seems impossible to see yourself getting to the other side of this, but I promise you, you will. Keep the focus on you. Don't keep singing the "hims" (he did this, he did that, if he just...). Just focus on yourself and things will start to shift for you.

When my soon to be ex left he went to AA. He started working out, dressing like I wished he had for all the years we were married, and got himself together (or so it seems). But what I've learned is even though he is sober for a year and a half, he is still very sick. He works on his recovery, but he still lies, he is still unreliable, he still only thinks of himself, etc. He has very little awareness until it's pointed out. Even without the drinking, he still has his stuff. And I now realize I am worth so much more and deserve so much more than he was able to give me. You are worth more as well. Don't look to the ones who hurt you to be the ones to heal you. You have so much to give the world. Focus on taking care of yourself. Talk to friends. Get involved in hobbies, sports, etc. you enjoy. Get involved in your life.

You will be happy again. And you will really love the person that you are. Keep moving forward and don't look back. Just leave the past where it is. We are here for you!

FindingAmy

Gbriezy, also my husband lived in our home for 2 months before finally moving out. we didn't speak to each other and it was the worst 2 months. Looking back I should have made him leave sooner but I was too weak. The one thing I did realize though now is that I was so lonely for so many years. I literally got married right out of college and am 50 now. Living with him was all I knew. I was so scared. But today, I sat outside in the sun, read my books, had my music on, my dog by my side and am going to dinner with friends tonight after an Alanon meeting. I would take being alone over living in a lonely marriage any day of the week. Someone on this forum once said to me, he couldn't abandon you because he was never truly there in the first place. So true. Hang in there!

FindingAmy

Sorry, one more thing. I just read about your wanting to write a letter. Ask yourself what is your motivation behind this? Do you want validation? Do you want someone to say "oh you poor thing"? Remember there are no victims, only volunteers. You are not a victim here unless you choose to be. Detach from what he does, from what his family thinks, etc. You cannot control anything they do or feel. And blood is thicker than water. Just focus on your own path, your own journey and let him be. Have compassion for him that he has this disease and let him go. The more you stay focused on him the less you focus on you. It is a distraction we choose to do so we don't have to look at ourselves. It does not help us and that should be your focus right now. Self care. Taking care of you. You'll be ok.

Mountainmanbob

I was in a solid band many years ago.
Truth is most will end up in life with not much security.
As a father of a daughter close to your age, if I may.
Set your sites on much higher places.
It's nice having a partner that shows us love and pulls their weight.
Mountainmanbob

gbriezy

This really resonated with me. I've been so lonely for the past six years, even (or maybe especially) with him around. I'm just thinking of all of the mornings/early afternoons sitting around our apartment waiting for him to wake up. Or wandering around the city, shopping, running errands alone because he refused to leave the apartment. Or just not going anywhere at all.

I haven't spent a lot of time developing my social life as an adult. I worked from home for a period of time which kept me pretty isolated besides being with him and it wasn't until the last couple of years that I started developing new friendships again. Though I don't have a best friend (besides my XAB)...I do have friends I can call up to meet and/or chat. I would never tell them the extent of my issues with my XAB though. I've been reaching out to them to schedule outings in the next week.

Today was rough for me. I felt really upset with all the could-have-beens. He and I have put so much time into this relationship only to get nothing in the end. I feel angry at him for not recognizing that his drinking has had an impact. I feel angry at him for giving up on this relationship. I feel angry that he's leaving. I'm still in utter shock that it's really over. I shouldn't be though. It was a long time coming and we both knew it.

And I rethought contact his mother. I only want sympathy or validation or something unhealthy like that. They can bad talk me all they want...I'll never be privy to those conversations and I'm grateful.

PuzzledHeart

gbriezy, I was engaged once to someone of an artistic bent. No alcohol, although he did dabble in recreational drugs on occasion and in the last months of our relationship I strongly suspected he was involved in an emotional affair.

He broke up with me right after the wedding invitations went out.

So much of what you wrote brought me back to that time, and when LexieCat wrote...

I can tell you this: I did beg, so much that he blocked me (back in the day when "blocking" was leaving the phone off the hook). I was even going to fly across the country to do it. I found out later that he wrote a letter to my dad telling me how much he hated me and my mom. I was devastated, even though my friends told me that he was a jerk and he had done me an enormous favor.

And now I would go on my hands and knees and THANK HIM for what he did. I'm angry, but mostly at myself for putting up with him for so long.


^^^^^^Mountainmanbob is so so right. You have no idea what it's like to be in a healthy relationship. I am fortunate to be in one. It is fricking night and day.

You DID get something - it's not what you wanted but it's what you NEED. You now have the opportunity to find a better life. You've learned what a bad relationship feels like, and now you'll be able to see the warning signs much, much sooner. You just need to be ready and willing to accept, as somebody on SR said, this strangely wrapped gift.

It's so tough, but you will get through this.

teatreeoil007

Sweetheart, this really DOES matter and will serve you well:

" Not that it matters, but I'm college educated, attractive and have a stable, well paying job."

There is a reason why they say don't quit your day job to just do music/art.

From what you have described, you paid the bills while he was free to pursue his music, free of charge...oh and did he pay for his own booze? hmmm?

You know I was once in a relationship with a guy who didn't have addiction issues, but I felt the dynamics were unfair....I had my degree and was working hard; putting in long hours too. He had classes, and played on the side. Then, when summer came, he just wanted to take the summer off....and 'relax'. At whose expense? No way was I going to work my butt off all summer while he took the summer off. Told him he had two weeks to get a job or we were history...It was soon over, and all I could see myself doing was just feeling more and more resentful because of the dynamics of our relationship and where we were at in life.

gbriezy

There is absolutely some truth to this. While he did pay his own rent (though he's been late every single month), most of the joint bills we should be splitting fell more heavily on me, including food expenses, which led me to feeling very resentful a lot of the time. In his mind, because he made less, he was entitled to pay less.

He also frequently blamed me for his own money issues. He's in debilitating credit card debt because he's just trying to keep up with my "yuppie" lifestyle. No...he's in credit card debt because he can't say no to that 24-pack of beer, even when he absolutely cannot afford it. A 24-pack of beer is also more important than even acknowledging my birthday or Christmas for the past several years. I've never wanted a lot from him, but just something simple to say he remembered/cared and valued my presence in his life.

He also has a bit of student loan debt (I have tons of student loan debt, so no judgement there) from when he attempted to go back to college and finish his degree a couple of years ago (his parents will likely just pay this off for him). He dropped out of college when he was 20 to pursue music full time. When he went back at 27, he hardly even tried and would often attempt to do his homework drunk. I'm pretty sure he didn't attend one of his final exams and never finished one of his final papers, but I just gave up asking the details. Despite all this -- he's blamed me for pushing him to go back to school and get his degree. In retrospect, I probably did pressure him -- not because I think a degree is that important, but because I wanted him (and us) to have a fresh start.

So I guess what I'm trying to say here is that he has tons of money issues from drinking (and smoking and buying weed), but in his mind -- they're my fault, not the fault of his various addictions. I'm a little worried about picking up his half of the rent for October once he's officially out (an extra $450/month), but I almost think I'll be in better financial shape once he's out.

honeypig

This was a concern for me when XAH moved out also, but so far I've found that between my NOT footing the bill for his addictions and my good fortune in finding a better-paying job, I am most certainly doing better than I was when with him.

I think there are others here who have found the same thing to be true once the A was out of their lives.

FindingAmy

having him move out has allowed me to save so much money, that it really made me realize how much he was spending on alcohol! i have my own little bank account that has been growing quite quickly. the other day he showed up for a meeting with a $10,000 watch on and i laughed to myself. he has absolutely no concept of money, saving, retirement, etc. I am so glad he's not a drain on my money anymore. Hallelujah!