Kissedbyfire

My fiance just completed the one week mark of being sober.
That sounds exciting right? It's all I ever wanted. I couldn't wait to hear those three words he said a week ago. "I'm an alcoholic." Followed by "I'm never going to have another drink again."
It's sad that I imagined this like some fairy tale happy ending.
I've now been slapped with the reality that it's only the beginning of our journey.
This past week I feel like he moved out and a room mate moved in. It's quiet, it's lonely, and I'm scared, very sad and confused.
I hugged him the other day. He didn't even raise his arms to put them around me. When I ask him anything, he puts the decision in my hands.
He seems vacant and empty. He doesn't seem to want to be here or seem to want me. I keep telling myself that I can't discuss it with him. It would be selfish. He's recovering.
But every day his mood is worse and he seems more distant.
Yesterday he got home and he was in a mood.
Eventually he told me he had a bad day. When I asked him questions he started being very vague telling me he was angry with everyone.

I recently got into a spat with his mother.
In the last week I've done her grocery shopping, returned a faulty air conditioner for her and exchanged for a new one, and then she asked to borrow our drill a few days later to install it. I told my fiance they asked and he had no response and didn't disagree. We are always doing favors for them. This is nothing out of the norm. So I made arrangements for the next day to take it there, let them use it to drill four holes and then bring it home with me- were not keen on lending our things because they don't care for their own things, lose things constantly, and even pawn things when they are desperate. I messaged his younger sister the following day to ask if they were ready for me to bring it. She said yes. I started driving over (they are a 1/2 hour drive from me). As I'm driving I'm getting silly texts from his sister saying his mother now wants to keep it overnight because she doesn't want to feel rushed. I pulled into a parking lot and was messaging her trying to stick to the arrangement they agreed to the previous day. His mother was being difficult. I had my 9 month old daughter in the back seat fussing as she's teething. I can't bring my daughter up to their apartment because there is garbage to the ceiling, mold in the carpet, and his mother is now smoking inside. His mom got mad and started blaming my fiance and calling him rude names. I called her and explained that he has nothing to do with this. Long story short, she told me she didn't want the drill anymore and yelled at me and hung up on me. I was angry so I told her I'm done with doing favors for her and helping them out. She said that was fine.
I told my fiance about what happened when he was done work very calmly as I know he'll find out one way or another. He wasn't surprised. This is typical behavior from her- toward her children. She's never behaved this way to me though.

His family is full of alcoholics and addicts. He lost his father to alcoholism/liver cancer 8 years ago, his older sister is an alcoholic (my fiance and I are not on speaking terms with her), his mother is a pill addict who has served time for forging prescriptions, and his younger sister has been growing closer to me looking for guidance and recently (6 months ago) gave up her dependency on pot and is trying to get her life together.

His mother apparently paid him a phone call at work saying we can take his younger sister to come live with us. At the time she was over at our place babysitting so I could renew my drivers licence and run some errands. My fiance got angry and told his mom that his sister can't come live here.
Now he's upset with me saying I should have known better than to lend them the drill. That I know they are very lazy and procrastinators. Then emphasized that it is his drill and not mine to lend (we share a home and have a tool collection that is mostly his, but we combined our tools together). This led to further arguments that he's angry that I talk to his younger sister and help her - basically saying she's just as lazy as the rest of them. Then he proceeded to say that I do them favors because I want to get involved in their drama. I do little favors like take them grocery shopping so they don't order pizza constantly until they're broke and show up at our door holding their hands out.
His younger sister is in her early 20's. This is the only life she's ever known and she doesn't like it and wants to do something better with her life. She has no ID, no bank account, has never had a job, and has not finished high school. My help and advice are free. In the last week I've shown her how to draw up a budget, how to calculate groceries, meal plan, and she loves learning how to cook. We also take my daughter and dog for walks, chat about movies, books, hobbies, interests. I don't talk to her and push her to do anything. When she asks a question, I answer it. I've been helping her get her identification by ordering it and paying for it- but she works it off by babysitting and our daughter absolutely loves her.
My maternity leave is almost over so I'm returning to work soon and my fiance suggested we use her as a babysitter. She has said that she would love to. I'm going to be taking her to get her first aid & cpr, and she's babysitting here and there and comes to visit to get to know how I provide care for my daughter so she knows what to do when I return to work.

We barely got to finish talking because he wanted to go to bed.
I have no plans to deal with his mother in the future and my fiance doesn't seem to either. I don't know why he's upset that I just give his sister free advice or tips. Or why answering her questions about being an adult or running a household is an issue? I could understand if I was forcing it on her or giving her advice that would cause conflict with her mom... but he asked me a few years ago to be a positive role model for her. I waited until she came to me and now I'm doing what he asked and hardly going out of my way. It's not taking from our household income- I'd pay her to babysit anyway.
I don't understand why he's so vacant and distant now, then when he finally speaks to me it's a fight. He brought up so many things from years ago that happened, and behaviors of mine he disliked... he's even admitted that I've corrected it.
I didnt blame everything on his drinking. I was in denial myself that he was an alcoholic. Anything he didn't like me doing, I stopped doing and worked on things with him. I didnt assume everything he was upset with me for in our relationship was just because of the alcohol. We've had our problems and I've worked on them, but the alcohol was a problem in itself that didn't allow him to see the changed I made, and didn't allow him to work on things on his end. I've read that all the underlying issues in a relationship come out when someone sobers up. But I always thought the underlying issues were making him an alcoholic and fixed everything I could.
I just want him to work on himself and work with me. Right now... it just feels like he hates me.

Ariesagain

He's in withdrawal from a highly addictive substance...he's mentally and physically miserable and probably very depressed. One week is a start but really nothing in terms of the overall process...is he getting some outside recovery support? Can you go to Al-Anon to learn more about how to support a recovering alcoholic in a healthy way and learn about codependence?

For his sake as well as yours, family drama is something to avoid at all costs. Let them figure out their lives without you.

Right now talking to your husband about all this drama is a waste of air because he's focused on not drinking and everything else is too much to deal with. He needs support and peace.

Kissedbyfire

I went to al-anon a few times and didn't find it helpful or comforting.
Then again, I might have not been in the right place at the time to be able to take anything from it. Based on many recommendations from here, I think it's time to give it another shot. I do feel a little embarrassed because I went to three different meetings and never returned after people were very kind and reached out to me. I'm a personal support worker so back then my schedule was all over the place.
I'm trying to be supportive. It just feels like he won't let me. I wish he would have cut his family out years ago.
They are awful people and his mother and older sister are so toxic and just cause him so much grief.
He has said he will go to our doctor and wants to meet other people like him and join a program but he's done nothing so I fear he'll relapse without that kind of support. He's barely talking to me either.
I know I definitely need some kind of support/counseling or therapy in dealing with this. I've really isolated myself over the years so I don't have the support of friends and my family knows very little as they are big drinkers themselves (high-functioning alcoholics) and can't see that their own drinking has been or caused problems over the years. I also know they'd pass judgment and push me to take my daughter and live with them if they knew everything... which is a fight I don't want to have with them.

LexieCat

Whew, that was an awful lot of drama for a couple of paragraphs.

Just to be clear, Al-Anon doesn't exist to show you how to "support" the alcoholic (though it might have that effect)--it is how to fix your OWN life, which has been affected by someone else's drinking. It will be helpful to you in coping with EVERYONE in your life, including your dysfunctional in-laws-to-be.

You have a baby. You need to focus your energy on doing what is best for you and your baby, not on dealing with all the drama in his family. It's great that you can be a friend/supporter of his sister, especially if she is going to be helping with childcare. But the rest of them--let them deal with their own problems. You aren't obligated to run errands or do favors for any of them. "Sorry, I can't," is perfectly acceptable. If they get mad, they get mad. BOUNDARIES can be very useful in reclaiming your life from people who will take advantage of your kindness. You might also want to read some of the books on co-dependency, because it sounds to me like you spend an awful lot of your time and energy helping others at high cost to you and your serenity.

As for your fiance, the first week of not drinking is pretty horrible and miserable. I think he would probably benefit greatly from AA, but that has to be his decision. But I wouldn't expect much in the way of a relationship bond with him for quite a while. If he DOES stay sober--even if he does everything "right"--it will be months before he can start really focusing on anything other than recovery.

Hugs, stick around--there's a lot of great support for you here. I'd suggest you read the stickies up top and some of the recommended readings. Learn all you can about alcoholism. It will make YOUR life much less frustrating if you have a better idea of what it is you're dealing with.

Maudcat

Sometimes when I post, I feel that I am an advertisement for Al-Anon, but really, it has helped me a lot when coping with the alcoholics in my family. In fact, I found it far more helpful than AA, whose rooms I graced when I first became sober. A suggestion made by Al-Anon: try different meetings, if that is possible, and try giving it a go for 2-3 months. I know that when I first started attending, it was if everyone was speaking a foreign language, but it was a peaceful place to be. Bit by bit, I began to understand and be affected by the experience, strength, and hope of it members. (i had an awesome home group. Sadly, I don't live in that area any more, and I haven't yet found a meeting that resonates. but I will.) Good luck. peace.

Bekindalways

Welcome KBF albeit a bit late of a welcome. I'm glad you found us.

I second what has already been said. We, on the Friends and Family Forum, are addicted to helping and fixing. From your post, it looks like you fit right in with us!

Alanon is not for everyone but if it isn't for you, do all the reading you can about boundaries, detachment and codependency. If your fiancé manages recovery from alcoholism and you don't recover from your codependency, your relationship will not last. There are some "double winners " (sober alcoholics with codependent tendencies) who claim recovery from codependency is more difficult than recovery from alcoholism.

What you two are attempting to do is super, super commendable. Keep at it! And please let us know how you get on.

atalose

One of the things that helped me the most was a suggestion that I write down my expectations of what the other person’s recovery would look like and mean to me.

And at the same time it was suggested that I read/research as much as I could on alcoholism/addiction.

The more I learned about alcoholism/addiction the more I unwillingly had to accept that my expectations were not reality based.

And the first reality I learned was that al-anon was for me not the alcoholic/addict. It was not a place I would go to learn how to support the alcoholic in their recovery, it was a place I could go for my own recovery from the affects from someone else’s drinking/drugging and to learn new ways to make healthier choices in my life.

maia1234

Welcome KBF,
Sounds like you have a lot going on. I agree with all the above posters about revisiting Alanon. I also took a 15 year break from Alanon, just like an alcoholic I just was not ready to hear what they had to say.

When things were so out of control in my life I started seeing a therapist once a week. For me, she couldn't give me what I really needed. After 3 months and a lot of money I walked back in the doors of alanon and didn't stop. I would go to at least 2 alanon and 2 aa meetings a week for 10 straight months. They do help.

Best thing you can do is get yourself healthy and everything else will fall into place the way it's suppose to.

Hugs my friend, there is a lot of help and support in this forum.