Expanding

I tried a guided meditation today and had to stop just a few minutes in because I became so emotional and felt I needed to journal what I saw. After I wrote down what happened I thought it may be a good idea to share with others what happened.

The meditation was about letting go. When it started the guide had me relax for a few minutes and then imagine a door appearing on a wall. I went up to the door and when I opened it there was a staircase that was leading up with a light coming from the top. I was told to start walking up the staircase, and without even being prompted by the guide, I saw my ex behind me. I instinctively reached out my hand and said, "Please come with me".

As I start up the stairs and the guide told me to, "leave behind your baggage" I realized that my ex wasn't coming with me. He wasn't going to grab my hand, he didn't want to be a part of the warm, healing light.

It was one of the most emotional meditations I've ever experienced. This is where I became distracted because all I wanted to do was go back down the stairs and get him, force him up those stairs if I had to...

I didn't understand why someone wouldn't want to head towards a warm and healing light.

I still have a lot of work to do

honeypig

Here's what I'm wondering about: Did you eventually continue towards the healing light yourself?

Expanding

I did

I think I was shocked that I still have such a strong desire to rescue him. It may be stronger than ever due to the recent developments because "now what is he going to do?"

firebolt

This brought tears to MY eyes and brought back an AH-HA moment dream I had when I knew I wanted to leave XABF.

You may still have work to do, but this exercise seems like it was a slingshot for you to an amazing way to get there.

Thank you, THANK YOU for sharing!

honeypig

I think that the important thing is not that you wanted so badly to rescue him. What seems important to me is that you continued on to the light yourself, even tho he didn't come along.

You chose to take care of yourself in this situation, and to me that choice far outweighs any codependent desires or tendencies. It is what you did, not what you thought--the action is what counts, right? Even if it's all in your mind during a meditation?

That's my 2 cents, anyway...

oldsoul112249

Thanks for sharing. I had just that experience recently. My friend of many years was uncomfortable and intimidated with my sobriety, learning, growing and even thwarted my happiness. It was trying to swim upstream and being torn in 2 directions for a year. I finally had to let him go and at a time when he needed me which made it more difficult. Very difficult but I feel now that I'm moving on. Whatever your decision make yourself a priority.

LifeRecovery

Dear Expanding-

There are a few of the daily readings from The Language of Letting Go, that I need so much I have the dates memorized.

One of them felt applicable to your share today.

Thanks for all of HP hard work

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Letting Go of Those Not in Recovery

We can go forward with our life and recoveries, even though someone we love is not yet recovering.

Picture a bridge. On one side of the bridge it is cold and dark. We stood there with others in the cold and darkness, doubled over in pain. Some of us developed an eating disorder to cope with the pain. Some drank; some used other drugs. Some of us lost control of our sexual behavior. Some of us obsessively focused on addicted people's pain to distract us from our own pain. Many of us did both: we developed an addictive behavior, and distracted ourselves by focusing on other addicted people. We did not know there was a bridge. We thought we were trapped on a cliff.

Then, some of us got lucky. Our eyes opened, by the Grace of God, because it was time. We saw the bridge. People told us what was on the other side: warmth, light, and healing from our pain. We could barely glimpse or imagine this, but we decided to start the trek across the bridge anyway.

We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldn't listen. They couldn't see it; they couldn't believe. They were not ready for the journey. We decided to go alone, because we believed, and because people on the other side were cheering us onward. The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see, and feel, that what we had been promised was real. There was light, warmth, healing, and love. The other side was a better place.

But now, there is a bridge between those on the other side and us. Sometimes, we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us, but it cannot be done. No one can be dragged or forced across this bridge. Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right. Some will come; some will stay on the other side. The choice is not ours.

We can love them. We can wave to them. We can holler back and forth. We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us. But we cannot make them come over with us.

If our time has come to cross the bridge, or if we have already crossed and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty. It is where we are meant to be. We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because another's time has not yet come.

The best thing we can do is stay in the light, because it reassures others that there is a better place. And if others ever do decide to cross the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on.

Today, I will move forward with my life, despite what others are doing or not doing. I will know it is my right to cross the bridge to a better life, even if I must leave others behind to do that. I will not feel guilty. I will not feel ashamed. I know that where I am now is a better place and where I'm meant to be.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

Bekindalways

Wow Expanding that is an amazing image!

I used to imagine holding my qualifier tight in my fist and then slowly opening my hand to let him go to God.

I suppose we codependents need to learn that our loved ones have their own doors and staircases. They can't come through our door and up our stairs.

Expanding

LifeRecovery your share couldn't have been more applicable!

I'd like to mention that referring to my ex as "baggage" felt strange and I'm aware It can come across as insensitive. When I say baggage what I imagine is my ankle being shackled to a boulder. The chain is being cut and the weight lifted so I can move forward. I told this to my therapist and she picked up on the codependency right away. I wanted to run back down and rescue him, the caretaker in me couldn't stop worrying about him.

At the end of the day I think I'll always be a caretaker but not in such an unhealthy way. He's going to be 40 in a couple years I don't need to worry about a grown and able bodied man

Eauchiche

I get visions sometimes.
Right after I left my ex, I awoke in the early hours one morning to a vision myself leaving a jail cell through the open door. My ex stayed inside, gripping the bars with all his might and screaming at the top of his lungs.
I have never forgotten that vision.