Teenagers and the aftermath of my alcohol abuse...
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 980
Teenagers and the aftermath of my alcohol abuse...
Hello all - It was suggested that I post here for advice on how to help my kids heal due to my alcoholism. I posted this on the alcoholism board this am and am copy/pasting it here.. I would greatly appreciate your input as what more I can or should be doing...
Hi all, this is a really difficult topic for me address, but know there are other mom's out there dealing with similar issues.
I have 15 year old b/g twins. I have been a binge drinker for about 7. years which escalated to worse and worse things happening the last few years. My kids have seen things that they should not have had to see and they've had to sacrifice things/events/going places due to me not being able to get them there because I had been drinking.
I am a single mom of two very active teens. I do not have help from their father at all. (Long story but it's for the better). I come from a great family and there is zero alcoholism other than myself. I was a room mother, their soccer coach for 6 years, very involved in their lives/school, sleepovers galore spent at our house, My kids are involved soccer, basketball, softball, volleyball, track, church youth groups, 4-h, we've taken tons of family vacations, the whole 9 yards. My kids are very well rounded, are in accelerated college classes in high school. Both are very well liked and I am constantly getting told what good wholesome kids they are. Sounds like the picture perfect childhood right?? It could have been if their mom wasn't a drunk.
I am 30 days sober today. I actually thought I was done 126 days ago when I quit, but could not string along more than a few weeks of sober time without a bender in between for a day or so. I find myself extremely proud of being sober for 30 days and disgusted and hateful towards myself that that's even an accomplishment. I know that I cannot let the latter thinking seep into my thought process for long. It produces the thoughts of "you've already lost your chance at being a good mom - you can't do it." You'll just mess it up again - why try.
My son got home from camp last week, we had a busy 4th of July and he was at a sleepover so I really haven't had much chance to talk to him. Last night as we were getting ready for bed my son came in my room and I could see that he wanted to talk. Nothing pressing, just wanted some of "my time". This started at 11:30 and we finally went to bed at 2.
It was a MUCH needed conversation for both of us. I feel that we both needed to hear the things that we both said and we agreed to keep this an open door and an ongoing conversation. My kids and I have always been close, or so I thought. I've always tried to hide my drinking from them. As they got older it couldn't be hidden or "explained away".
Basically he has many memories.... Of mom drunk or passed out. From our conversation, he mainly talked about the negative things. I listened to everything he said. There were many tears on both sides. We've talked before about these topics. But I always had a bottle that was ready and waiting to numb the negative things that I heard. I always felt frustrated because I didn't drink every day and I felt like I was a damn good mom doing the best that I could. I felt like I was a stressed out mess working many hours at work, providing $250 Lebron James tennis shoes, a show horse for my daughter that was the price of a car, nice vacations, a beautiful home, etc, etc, etc. I've ran and ran my kids all over creation for practices, games, events, sleepovers. I could go on and on and on. I DO know that while those material things are "cool", they first and foremost needed a sober, present mom.
Basically last night I heard my son hurt, scared, not trusting sobriety. He said (and this is making me cry typing this)... I just want you to be my mom all of the time. Not part of the time...
My son and I talked about counseling for him. That is an option that I am looking into for him. My daughter wants NOTHING to do with counseling. The thing that I can see that they BOTH desperately need is a mom that they can count on to be sober. I have BEEN there for them physically the last several years. I need to learn how to be there for them emotionally IN THE MOMENT. Our 2.5 hour conversation last night would have typically not lasted long in the past because it would have been too heard to hear. It would have been too hard to hear because I was not living in sobriety. I am now. I want us all to heal together. I feel like this sobriety journey has been about me. That's great, but also selfish in that alcohol and my choices has hurt us all.
I hope this all makes sense. I love my kids more than life itself. I hate myself and the choices that I have made. I could go on about the crap the mess that my choice in alcohol has caused in our lives. That thread would go on for days. If that is needed, click on my name for a history. This is really, really hard for me to process and type out. Any thoughts or directions or words of wisdom? I appreciate your gentle honesty.
Hi all, this is a really difficult topic for me address, but know there are other mom's out there dealing with similar issues.
I have 15 year old b/g twins. I have been a binge drinker for about 7. years which escalated to worse and worse things happening the last few years. My kids have seen things that they should not have had to see and they've had to sacrifice things/events/going places due to me not being able to get them there because I had been drinking.
I am a single mom of two very active teens. I do not have help from their father at all. (Long story but it's for the better). I come from a great family and there is zero alcoholism other than myself. I was a room mother, their soccer coach for 6 years, very involved in their lives/school, sleepovers galore spent at our house, My kids are involved soccer, basketball, softball, volleyball, track, church youth groups, 4-h, we've taken tons of family vacations, the whole 9 yards. My kids are very well rounded, are in accelerated college classes in high school. Both are very well liked and I am constantly getting told what good wholesome kids they are. Sounds like the picture perfect childhood right?? It could have been if their mom wasn't a drunk.
I am 30 days sober today. I actually thought I was done 126 days ago when I quit, but could not string along more than a few weeks of sober time without a bender in between for a day or so. I find myself extremely proud of being sober for 30 days and disgusted and hateful towards myself that that's even an accomplishment. I know that I cannot let the latter thinking seep into my thought process for long. It produces the thoughts of "you've already lost your chance at being a good mom - you can't do it." You'll just mess it up again - why try.
My son got home from camp last week, we had a busy 4th of July and he was at a sleepover so I really haven't had much chance to talk to him. Last night as we were getting ready for bed my son came in my room and I could see that he wanted to talk. Nothing pressing, just wanted some of "my time". This started at 11:30 and we finally went to bed at 2.
It was a MUCH needed conversation for both of us. I feel that we both needed to hear the things that we both said and we agreed to keep this an open door and an ongoing conversation. My kids and I have always been close, or so I thought. I've always tried to hide my drinking from them. As they got older it couldn't be hidden or "explained away".
Basically he has many memories.... Of mom drunk or passed out. From our conversation, he mainly talked about the negative things. I listened to everything he said. There were many tears on both sides. We've talked before about these topics. But I always had a bottle that was ready and waiting to numb the negative things that I heard. I always felt frustrated because I didn't drink every day and I felt like I was a damn good mom doing the best that I could. I felt like I was a stressed out mess working many hours at work, providing $250 Lebron James tennis shoes, a show horse for my daughter that was the price of a car, nice vacations, a beautiful home, etc, etc, etc. I've ran and ran my kids all over creation for practices, games, events, sleepovers. I could go on and on and on. I DO know that while those material things are "cool", they first and foremost needed a sober, present mom.
Basically last night I heard my son hurt, scared, not trusting sobriety. He said (and this is making me cry typing this)... I just want you to be my mom all of the time. Not part of the time...
My son and I talked about counseling for him. That is an option that I am looking into for him. My daughter wants NOTHING to do with counseling. The thing that I can see that they BOTH desperately need is a mom that they can count on to be sober. I have BEEN there for them physically the last several years. I need to learn how to be there for them emotionally IN THE MOMENT. Our 2.5 hour conversation last night would have typically not lasted long in the past because it would have been too heard to hear. It would have been too hard to hear because I was not living in sobriety. I am now. I want us all to heal together. I feel like this sobriety journey has been about me. That's great, but also selfish in that alcohol and my choices has hurt us all.
I hope this all makes sense. I love my kids more than life itself. I hate myself and the choices that I have made. I could go on about the crap the mess that my choice in alcohol has caused in our lives. That thread would go on for days. If that is needed, click on my name for a history. This is really, really hard for me to process and type out. Any thoughts or directions or words of wisdom? I appreciate your gentle honesty.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Good for you for being 30 days into your journey. I'm glad you were able to have that talk with your child.
I wish I could put you in contact with my AW about being present 24/7. I might bookmark this and show her at some point how it does effect the children.
May you continue to be strong in your recovery, and open with your children.
C-OH Dad
I wish I could put you in contact with my AW about being present 24/7. I might bookmark this and show her at some point how it does effect the children.
May you continue to be strong in your recovery, and open with your children.
C-OH Dad
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm glad you had that talk with your son. The truth is, though, that it will take your ongoing sobriety and stability to earn that trust back. Counseling for him is good. But there really aren't any shortcuts to TIME.
Congrats on your month. I'm a mom who was "absent" or "checked out" for much of my own kids' childhoods--they lived primarily with their dad, and for many years we lived across the country from each other, so I don't think my drinking affected them as much as if they had been living with/depending on me all the time. They tell me it didn't, but truthfully we don't know. I feel like *I* missed out on a lot of their childhood.
Congrats on your month. I'm a mom who was "absent" or "checked out" for much of my own kids' childhoods--they lived primarily with their dad, and for many years we lived across the country from each other, so I don't think my drinking affected them as much as if they had been living with/depending on me all the time. They tell me it didn't, but truthfully we don't know. I feel like *I* missed out on a lot of their childhood.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I've got no directions or words of wisdom, Behappy1, but I would like to say this: Back when I was new to this board, I wondered and stressed about how I'd know if AH(not yet X at that time) was drinking, since he'd been so incredibly good about hiding it for so many years. I was told that if/when he began recovery, I would know it--it would be unmistakable, and so much more than appearing drunk or not.
I now understand what those people meant who told me "you'll know it when you see it." I would have seen in him what I see in your post.
Your sobriety is not only affecting your own life and the lives of your kids but the life of a random person on the internet, who you've never met and never will, as well as how many others... The ripples from your recovery spread farther than you can ever imagine.
Behappy1, never, ever doubt how important your recovery is, and never, ever think it's too late to matter.
I now understand what those people meant who told me "you'll know it when you see it." I would have seen in him what I see in your post.
Your sobriety is not only affecting your own life and the lives of your kids but the life of a random person on the internet, who you've never met and never will, as well as how many others... The ripples from your recovery spread farther than you can ever imagine.
Behappy1, never, ever doubt how important your recovery is, and never, ever think it's too late to matter.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Wow does this hit home for me. I have two girls, age 16 and 10. I am divorced from their father, who is an alcoholic/binge drinker. Both kids are in counseling, which has been a god send.
You are correct, no matter what you have done, their #1 need is a sober, present parent, 100% of the time. No matter what. No if's, no I messed up and had a "slip", nothing like that. They also need truth, 100% of the time. Don't make promises to them you cannot or will not keep. That is of huge importance. I listened to my X tell my daughters countless times that this was the last time. They have zero trust for him.
The only way to earn their trust is exhibiting clean, sober, stable behavior over the course of a very long time. Don't get upset at them or frustrated when they are still skeptical months from now. This did not happen overnight and it won't heal overnight.
I can say that this is a huge opportunity for you to have open and honest talks with your kids. They are old enough that you can be honest and explain that it's a struggle, but hopefully to you, they are worth that struggle. Even if they won't do counseling, you should. A counselor could help you with this as well.
They don't need stuff. They need your time. Fifteen can be a difficult age anyways. I don't know what your faith base is, but if there is a Celebrate Recovery anywhere near with a program called the Landing, it would be great. CR could be for you, the Landing for the kids, you could all go together at once. It would give all of you support. Not pushing for that or anything, just a lot of people don't even know it exists and it helped me through some of my darkest times, and my kids too.
I recommend you to keep encouraging them to go to counseling. And go to a counselor who is well versed in helping families who struggle with addiction. If they don't understand addiction and it's affects on family, you are only spinning your wheels.
I think it's absolutely wonderful that you have sought sobriety. I hope you continue to reach out, and continue with a sober life. That is the #1 most important gift you can give yourself or your children.
I say this all gently and with lots of support. I am putting it out there b/c I have a lot of experience in dealing with how children feel in this situation, and while what I say can be hurtful, it's also very truthful.
Congrats on your sober time. You can absolutely do this, and we here at SR will back you up the entire way!
You are correct, no matter what you have done, their #1 need is a sober, present parent, 100% of the time. No matter what. No if's, no I messed up and had a "slip", nothing like that. They also need truth, 100% of the time. Don't make promises to them you cannot or will not keep. That is of huge importance. I listened to my X tell my daughters countless times that this was the last time. They have zero trust for him.
The only way to earn their trust is exhibiting clean, sober, stable behavior over the course of a very long time. Don't get upset at them or frustrated when they are still skeptical months from now. This did not happen overnight and it won't heal overnight.
I can say that this is a huge opportunity for you to have open and honest talks with your kids. They are old enough that you can be honest and explain that it's a struggle, but hopefully to you, they are worth that struggle. Even if they won't do counseling, you should. A counselor could help you with this as well.
They don't need stuff. They need your time. Fifteen can be a difficult age anyways. I don't know what your faith base is, but if there is a Celebrate Recovery anywhere near with a program called the Landing, it would be great. CR could be for you, the Landing for the kids, you could all go together at once. It would give all of you support. Not pushing for that or anything, just a lot of people don't even know it exists and it helped me through some of my darkest times, and my kids too.
I recommend you to keep encouraging them to go to counseling. And go to a counselor who is well versed in helping families who struggle with addiction. If they don't understand addiction and it's affects on family, you are only spinning your wheels.
I think it's absolutely wonderful that you have sought sobriety. I hope you continue to reach out, and continue with a sober life. That is the #1 most important gift you can give yourself or your children.
I say this all gently and with lots of support. I am putting it out there b/c I have a lot of experience in dealing with how children feel in this situation, and while what I say can be hurtful, it's also very truthful.
Congrats on your sober time. You can absolutely do this, and we here at SR will back you up the entire way!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Congrats on 30 days!
That's ok - show him he can trust you. He desperately WANTS to believe you, and if you show him, he will believe it one day..
My only thought is step work. Are you doing it? Do you have a plan? What arsenal do you have to help you do this?
You have A LOT of guilt - we know, so do we. Hell, guilt /fear / shame makes ME want to drink, and I hate alcohol at this point
!
There are counselors, AA, Sober recovery, step work, Celebrate Recovery etc. One, two, or all of these things will help you stay the coarse, work through the whys, learn coping mechanisms, and prevent relapse.
Best of luck to you - keep listening to your kids, deal with their and your pain in healthy ways, and pat yourself on the back for changing how it all plays out 30 days ago! ONe foot in front of the other, mama!
Basically last night I heard my son hurt, scared, not trusting sobriety.
My only thought is step work. Are you doing it? Do you have a plan? What arsenal do you have to help you do this?
You have A LOT of guilt - we know, so do we. Hell, guilt /fear / shame makes ME want to drink, and I hate alcohol at this point
!There are counselors, AA, Sober recovery, step work, Celebrate Recovery etc. One, two, or all of these things will help you stay the coarse, work through the whys, learn coping mechanisms, and prevent relapse.
Best of luck to you - keep listening to your kids, deal with their and your pain in healthy ways, and pat yourself on the back for changing how it all plays out 30 days ago! ONe foot in front of the other, mama!
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Behappy, first, congratulations on 30 days!!! 
After reading your post I think you're already doing it! Being open to conversations and being present are huge. That conversation with your son is something that both you and he will remember forever. It was openness and honesty. Something you'd never have had you continued drinking.
I know your daughter doesn't want counseling but perhaps you'll have the same conversation with her soon? It's hard with kids because it has to be on their time.
You're doing the best things that you can for them right now
It was suggested that I post here for advice on how to help my kids heal due to my alcoholism
I know your daughter doesn't want counseling but perhaps you'll have the same conversation with her soon? It's hard with kids because it has to be on their time.
You're doing the best things that you can for them right now
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 1,042
I can relate and I feel for you, it's agony to know you've let your kids down, I swear I know this one and still wish i didn't.
As one post already says, sounds like you're doing all you can. The big talk, whilst painful, is a really positive thing for you and your son. Just be open to your daughter's version, which I'm sure you will be.
I've been sober a little while now and my daughter and I are really close again, she even bought me a present and card for my one year anniversary. I hope this gives you encouragement and hope.
xx
As one post already says, sounds like you're doing all you can. The big talk, whilst painful, is a really positive thing for you and your son. Just be open to your daughter's version, which I'm sure you will be.
I've been sober a little while now and my daughter and I are really close again, she even bought me a present and card for my one year anniversary. I hope this gives you encouragement and hope.
xx
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
I wish my exah would be like you. He has no intention of quitting. My two boys living with me live in hope of this. Also I think you are in a lucky position. 3 of my kids do't speak to me anymore and I wasn't the one drinking. At least you still have a relationship with your two. You can do it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 980
Thank you, thank you , thank you all! I have read and re-read everything you've written. My kids and I had an awesome weekend full of normal stuff and it was SO REWARDIG for us all. Nothing special, mowing the lawn, getting caught up on household stuff, laundry, watching movies. But we did it as a family and we were ALL present and IN the moment. You all helped me jump start this weekend by your kind words in this thread. Thank you again.
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