I am finally starting to get it..doesn't make it less painful
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I am finally starting to get it..doesn't make it less painful
I think I am finally starting to get it a little. During our breakup I expected some of the crazy making behavior to stop... I realized that I was asking for someone in active addiction to be kind, rational and compassionate. I have racked my brain for the answers. I have gone over every fight, every good moment, old texts etc. I finally understand that because it is and was in active addiction our entire relationship that it is impossible for it to make sense. For me, it was tough because although my exAB could take down and entire bottle of vodka, he never seemed "drunk"... I felt like I only saw him "drunk" a handful of times... He drank almost everyday for 8 years straight and he would typically go through 1/2 to 3/4 of a bottle of alcohol and have a normal intellectual conversation. Getting through the fog of all of this is hard when he didn't seem like your typical messed up drunk. He did get extreme anxiety and I could see his hands shaking when he didn't drink though... anyway thank you for listening... You all have been such a great support... I think I am finally starting to understand that our "fighting and arguing" towards the end of our relationship didn't have to do with me "not being easy going" like he said, but more with asserting my own boundaries.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Maybe it doesn't feel like it's relieving any of the pain this minute, but it will make it easier to heal when you realize that the stuff that happened wasn't personal, wasn't because you weren't "good enough"--it's just his disease that has screwed up his thinking and his ability to form real, healthy relationships.
Hugs, you're absolutely on the right track!
Hugs, you're absolutely on the right track!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,009
Originally Posted by LovelyKaya33333 
I think I am finally starting to get it a little. During our breakup I expected some of the crazy making behavior to stop... I realized that I was asking for someone in active addiction to be kind, rational and compassionate. I have racked my brain for the answers. I have gone over every fight, every good moment, old texts etc. I finally understand that because it is and was in active addiction our entire relationship that it is impossible for it to make sense. For me, it was tough because although my exAB could take down and entire bottle of vodka, he never seemed "drunk"... I felt like I only saw him "drunk" a handful of times... He drank almost everyday for 8 years straight and he would typically go through 1/2 to 3/4 of a bottle of alcohol and have a normal intellectual conversation. Getting through the fog of all of this is hard when he didn't seem like your typical messed up drunk. He did get extreme anxiety and I could see his hands shaking when he didn't drink though... anyway thank you for listening... You all have been such a great support... I think I am finally starting to understand that our "fighting and arguing" towards the end of our relationship didn't have to do with me "not being easy going" like he said, but more with asserting my own boundaries.
The litmus test for recovery is to set a boundary and watch the reaction. As an active drinker, there was no way he would react appropriately to a boundary.
Keep healing lady!
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