LovelyKaya33333

hurts so bad today...i feel like i can't breathe... i can't help but think i wasn't good enough or pretty enough... or simple enough...that i was too needy...deep down i know i wasn't ...but i feel so devalued.... is this part of their sick game

LeeJane

It is never about you, it is all about the addict.

Sorry you are suffering so much.

Ariesagain

His addiction has nothing to do with you. It owned him before you, it will own him after you. You could be Angelina Oprah Rockefeller and he would still choose drugs over you.

His addiction has taken over the most primal part of his brain where only the need to survive exists and higher order, more cerebral concepts like love, responsibility, and morality don't even register.

There is nothing you can do, be, or say that will change that fact.

Sending you another hug. A new day is coming.

P.S. You know that story about why his marriage broke up? I'd bet my car that story has been heavily edited to make him look like the blameless victim. Just saying.

dandylion

^^^^^^^^this!!!
Read this a hundred times a day, if you have to......

Reality: It is normal to hurt this bad after what you invested. You are grieving and it is going to last for a while longer...but, it won't always feel this way!

The very most important thing that you can do is to take this time to continue to read and post here...and continue to LEARN. LEARN. So...that you will not be vulnerable for this to ever happen , again.
We people tend to repeat pattern , in our life...and if we don't learn from our pain...we are destined to repeat them again...(often, unaware).....
Read "Classic Readings" in the stickies at the top of main page....
Read the books from the reading lists.....
Go to alanon or ACOA or CODA

Knowledge is p o wer.....

I am sorry that you are hurting so much, right now....
dandylion

Seren

Hi Kaya,

I'm so sorry you are in so much pain

I had a break up once where I felt just exactly how you are describing...I felt ugly, stupid, worthless, nauseous, like I couldn't draw my next breath. I barely ate, and I just couldn't sleep. I was sick because of my own dysfunction.

I know you can't see this now, but things will get better! I promise you that. I am speaking from the other side of the pain you are in now.

Two things really helped me very much. The first was to journal. I wrote out every ugly, sad, angry, confused, pain-filled thought in my head. I would sit down and write for about 20 minutes at a time a few times a day. Great, big, huge scrawling letters....whatever matched my mood. It really helped to just get all of those thoughts out of my head and onto the paper.

The second thing I did was to try to change the way I thought about the whole situation. Why was I so sick, so really, really sick, over one man...just one man. Do you realize there are 7 billion people in the world? Think about that! Think about all the interesting people out there you have not even met yet and all the beautiful places on this planet you have not yet seen!!! You just never know what sort of adventure could be waiting for you around the next corner. You deserve to be healthy and whole and open to what your one, beautiful life may bring you.

Please do take good care of yourself! I hope and pray that tomorrow will dawn just a little bit brighter for you

Bekindalways

It does, it does, it does hurt hurt hurt hurt. It was like no pain I have felt before or since.

Kaya, it might be worth seeing a doc and telling her what you are going through. The lack of sleep with this type of pain can be a killer. Besides going through it myself, I've watched some friends go through tough break ups. The physical effects are pretty amazing.

The best book I ever read on grief was How to Survive the Loss of a Love. It is a short, funny comforting read. I probably read it 50 times just for the comfort.

Please let us know how you are doing. And take care of yourself the best you can.

honeypig

LK, I'm working on a book recommended to me here called "The Journey From Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson. This first stage that you're in is referred to as "shattering" in the book. I think that is totally accurate.

I can't really add to what others have said, only want to tell you to keep reaching out for help in every way you can and eventually the pain will begin to fade. Eventually you'll come out the other side and be amazed at how great it is over there--but you've got to wade thru the bad part first.

Wishing you strength and clarity.