bluebird418

For those of you who may not be familiar with my story, the long version is in a previous post. Short version: xAH and I have a daughter that is 3, he hasnt had visitation with her in 7 months, not paying child support but because there is a protective order in place i have no idea what hes doing with his life.

so why am i upset? because i am the queen of future tripping.

its such a strange feeling to have loved someone, had a child with someone and feel so incredibly detached. lately ive looked at pictures of our family, even though deep down i wasnt happy, but i feel incredibly sad.

at this point, im ready for his parental rights to be severed, so we can all move on with our lives and i can stop obsessing over if he is drinking or not. he got his monitor off in march and even then i hadnt received any reports since the fall so i cant say definitively if he has been drinking or not. id like to know, because i dont want to penalize him for something hes not doing, but hes always said he will never stop--so i can only assume?

with him, things are never silent. to me, i am sitting in the eye of a storm. court is in 3 months. we start all over, since its an appeal. and thinking about it i get nauseous, i cant even imagine sitting in that court room.

my anxiety is so bad i got diagnosed with costochondritis (chest wall pain), because i panic and tense my body up so much.

i am so ready for him to be out of our lives, and i feel selfish for wanting that.

SparkleKitty

My friend here is what you know:

* He has told you he will never stop drinking
* He avoided the monitoring when he was court-ordered to participate
* He has not put forth any effort, not even financial, to support the life he was responsible for bringing into this world.

You don't have to assume anything. It's not your job to worry about whether or not he is penalized for something he isn't doing -- it's HIS. If it were important to him, he would bend over backwards to make sure he was compliant with everything he is ordered to do, not to mention the things that are just the RIGHT things to do.

It's not the slightest bit selfish for you to want peace and serenity and to be free of the tsunami of his addiction. As impossible as it seems, try to let go of the things that are not under your control and focus on taking care of yourself and your child, regardless of what he does or doesn't do.

bluebird418

Well said, sparkle kitty. I needed to hear that.

hopeful4

Sending lots of hugs from a fellow future tripper!!!!

Liveitwell

What sparkle said....times 100. Absolutely accurate. BB, my ex is the same way....except that I do get random payments from him if I serve him with papers or I have to send him multiple reminders like his mommy: that's the only way I get paid. Pretty pathetic, eh? These little boys masquerading as men...they are sperm donors, angry violent sperm donors.

I do so understand your feelings. But seriously try and just stay in the present with that beautiful child....THAT is what's important

maia1234

BB,
This is your time to take care of you and baby bb. Mind your side of the street. What he does is really none of your business anymore.

Sending hugs my friend, think and worry about only today. Tomorrow is out of your control.