Some background, why I'm back and trying to figure out where I want to be...
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 267
Some background, why I'm back and trying to figure out where I want to be...
I don't quite remember which binge brought me to this site.
I knew when we started dating that my AH had a significant substance abuse history and a poor credit and work history. Shortly after we started dating he had a huge binge and called me, drunk and despondent, saying that he'd just spent all his savings and didn't know what he was going to do. I have no idea what I was thinking but I went to comfort him. The next morning we decided that he could move into one of the bedrooms in my house and live there until he found another place to live. Living with his partying roommates wasn't helping him and maybe he could stay clean if he wasn't around them.
He got clean. Apartment shopped for a while but we ultimately decided that he may as well stay with me and just help pay bills there (of course he eventually moved in to my room). He found a well-paying job with benefits, got primary custody of his young son and we were married about a year later.
A few years later may be the first time I came here. He decided he wanted to start smoking pot again. His job was a 10-month position and he had a couple of months off. We talked. I told him I was against it but knew it wasn't up to me. I asked him to please only do it away from home. He visited a friend and bought some. I attempt to negotiate again. Please don't smoke when T and I are around. He stays stoned all the time when he's not at work for about a week and a half and then decides he'd like to drink while he's doing it. Within a short amount of time he's stopped coming home, is draining the checking account and then decides to leave "for a while." He may come back, he may not...won't say...but he seems crazy and I know it's pointless to talk.
I got comfortable with his absence (3 or 4 weeks - minimal contact). He came back...apologetic and wanting to work things out. I was a little apprehensive but ultimately wanted things to work and didn't want to lose him or his son.
This is happening again...almost exactly...for either the 3rd or 4th time...12-18 months or so of sobriety in between. This time though he suddenly quit his job claiming it was too stressful. He suddenly decided he wants to go to nursing school (which baffles me...where the heck did that idea even come from). I tried to be supportive although I did emphasize that he also needed to find work and told him (when he asked) that the second mortgage (MY house) was out of the question to pay for school.
He bought marijuana again...then started drinking...drained bunches of money (including his retirement, this time) and now he's gone back to his hometown to "think" (although, since he's avoiding his family I suspect that "think" actually starts with "dr"). He's supposed to be back today or tomorrow. And I'm apprehensive about his return and deciding what I want and need.
My therapist points out that I just need to stay safe and take care of me but that I don't have to decide everything now.
I've enjoyed his being gone and had fun with my friends. Headed to brunch after I post this
. I miss T this weekend. I asked his mother to keep him and only told her that AH was out of town and I had a game and no one to watch him. She doesn't know what's going on.
I'm appreciating everyone else's threads, learning a lot and trying to gain strength and a sense of who the heck I am and what do I really want.
Thanks for listening.
I knew when we started dating that my AH had a significant substance abuse history and a poor credit and work history. Shortly after we started dating he had a huge binge and called me, drunk and despondent, saying that he'd just spent all his savings and didn't know what he was going to do. I have no idea what I was thinking but I went to comfort him. The next morning we decided that he could move into one of the bedrooms in my house and live there until he found another place to live. Living with his partying roommates wasn't helping him and maybe he could stay clean if he wasn't around them.
He got clean. Apartment shopped for a while but we ultimately decided that he may as well stay with me and just help pay bills there (of course he eventually moved in to my room). He found a well-paying job with benefits, got primary custody of his young son and we were married about a year later.
A few years later may be the first time I came here. He decided he wanted to start smoking pot again. His job was a 10-month position and he had a couple of months off. We talked. I told him I was against it but knew it wasn't up to me. I asked him to please only do it away from home. He visited a friend and bought some. I attempt to negotiate again. Please don't smoke when T and I are around. He stays stoned all the time when he's not at work for about a week and a half and then decides he'd like to drink while he's doing it. Within a short amount of time he's stopped coming home, is draining the checking account and then decides to leave "for a while." He may come back, he may not...won't say...but he seems crazy and I know it's pointless to talk.
I got comfortable with his absence (3 or 4 weeks - minimal contact). He came back...apologetic and wanting to work things out. I was a little apprehensive but ultimately wanted things to work and didn't want to lose him or his son.
This is happening again...almost exactly...for either the 3rd or 4th time...12-18 months or so of sobriety in between. This time though he suddenly quit his job claiming it was too stressful. He suddenly decided he wants to go to nursing school (which baffles me...where the heck did that idea even come from). I tried to be supportive although I did emphasize that he also needed to find work and told him (when he asked) that the second mortgage (MY house) was out of the question to pay for school.
He bought marijuana again...then started drinking...drained bunches of money (including his retirement, this time) and now he's gone back to his hometown to "think" (although, since he's avoiding his family I suspect that "think" actually starts with "dr"). He's supposed to be back today or tomorrow. And I'm apprehensive about his return and deciding what I want and need.
My therapist points out that I just need to stay safe and take care of me but that I don't have to decide everything now.
I've enjoyed his being gone and had fun with my friends. Headed to brunch after I post this
. I miss T this weekend. I asked his mother to keep him and only told her that AH was out of town and I had a game and no one to watch him. She doesn't know what's going on.I'm appreciating everyone else's threads, learning a lot and trying to gain strength and a sense of who the heck I am and what do I really want.
Thanks for listening.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Thlayli 
This is happening again...almost exactly...for either the 3rd or 4th time...12-18 months or so of sobriety in between.
It sounds like he goes through long cycles and isn't likely to choose to stop. How many more times do YOU want to go through it? The way you describe it, he's the one in the Driver's Seat here..... is that what YOU want?
Dealing with setbacks like that every 12-18 months must be getting old - you deserve better!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
T,
I am sorry that you are back. As you can see, he is not committed to sobriety. He will never change. If I was you, I would pack up his clothes, put them in the garage. I would send him a message that you are done he can pick up his stuff and give him a time. Block face book, phone number and all communication.
Move on, as your life will never change with him. Sending hugs my friend, it is not fun to love an addict.
I am sorry that you are back. As you can see, he is not committed to sobriety. He will never change. If I was you, I would pack up his clothes, put them in the garage. I would send him a message that you are done he can pick up his stuff and give him a time. Block face book, phone number and all communication.
Move on, as your life will never change with him. Sending hugs my friend, it is not fun to love an addict.
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