Sick to my stomach
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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Sick to my stomach
I am feeling so sick to my stomach, I heard he is officially in a relationship now. We still own the home together and I am just beside myself, wondering what he must be saying to her. I don't know what else to say...
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
What exactly do you wonder what he is saying to her?
Ask yourself, why are you letting this affect you in this way? I know it's hard, but you have to keep it in perspective and realize it just does not matter what he is saying to her. What does matter is what YOU are saying to YOURSELF.
Many, many hugs and deep breaths. We are here with you.
Ask yourself, why are you letting this affect you in this way? I know it's hard, but you have to keep it in perspective and realize it just does not matter what he is saying to her. What does matter is what YOU are saying to YOURSELF.
Many, many hugs and deep breaths. We are here with you.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
The first time is always the worst Expanding. Go over your list of what happened when he was with you. Do you really want to go back to that?
Think of this new partner with compassion. Right now he's putting forward the best version of himself but that never lasts. Stay strong.
Think of this new partner with compassion. Right now he's putting forward the best version of himself but that never lasts. Stay strong.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Expanding.....if it makes you feel any better.....they move on to help themselves to" feel better". it really isn't about you...it is about what is inside of themselves.....
Actually, nothing will make you feel better...as, FeelingGreat said,.....it feels awful when it happens for the first time---it just does! It is our human nature.
It feels awful, and then, after a while, we move on from it.....
Go ahead and feel the feelings.....
dandylion
Actually, nothing will make you feel better...as, FeelingGreat said,.....it feels awful when it happens for the first time---it just does! It is our human nature.
It feels awful, and then, after a while, we move on from it.....
Go ahead and feel the feelings.....
dandylion
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I had a small breakthrough with myself the other day.
I saw XABF in traffic, and we ignore each other. I've heard hes with someone else, and when I saw him, part of me wished I was too so it would "sting" him to see me happy.
The breakthrough was a voice popped in my head and asked why I would want to cause someone I supposedly loved pain?! If my motive was wishing I was with someone else so he could feel that hurt and loss, then I am sick. I don't want to be that kind of person. I want people I love / loved to be happy. More than anything.
It won't happen over night, and neither will the sting of him moving on, but after a little while of self care, we'll get to a place where we can wish them happiness and health....and mean it.
We are all replaceable - in jobs, in friendships, in romantic relationships. That is painful a bit, but freeing a bit too.
Honeypigs "the Language of Letting Go" daily reader posts help me so much day to day. I had the book in my car for a long time, and I can't tell you how much it got me through. It unties that knot we get in our stomachs, and it is always applicable. In fact - here is yesterday's
Owning Our Power
We don't have to give others so much power and ourselves so little. We don't have to give others so much credit and ourselves so little. In recovery from codependency, we learn there's a big difference between humility and discounting ourselves.
When others act irresponsibly and attempt to blame their problems on us, we no longer feel guilty. We let them face their own consequences.
When others talk nonsense, we don't question our own thinking.
When others try to manipulate or exploit us, we know it's okay to feel anger and distrust and to say no to the plan.
When others tell us that we want something that we really don't want, or someone tells us that we don't want something that we really do want, we trust ourselves. When others tell us things we don't believe, we know it's okay to trust our instincts.
We can even change our mind later.
We don't have to give up our personal power to anyone: strangers, friends, spouses, children, authority figures, or those over whom we're in authority. People may have things to teach us. They may have more information than we have, and may appear more confident or forceful than we feel. But we are equals. Our magic is not in them. Our magic, our light, is in us. And it is as bright a light as theirs.
We are not second-class citizens. By owning our power, we don't have to become aggressive or controlling. We don't have to discount others. But we don't discount ourselves either.
Today I will own my power with people. I will let myself know what I know, feel what I feel, believe what I believe, and see what I see. I will be open to changing and learning from others and experience, but I will trust and validate myself too. I will stand in my own truth.
I saw XABF in traffic, and we ignore each other. I've heard hes with someone else, and when I saw him, part of me wished I was too so it would "sting" him to see me happy.
The breakthrough was a voice popped in my head and asked why I would want to cause someone I supposedly loved pain?! If my motive was wishing I was with someone else so he could feel that hurt and loss, then I am sick. I don't want to be that kind of person. I want people I love / loved to be happy. More than anything.
It won't happen over night, and neither will the sting of him moving on, but after a little while of self care, we'll get to a place where we can wish them happiness and health....and mean it.
We are all replaceable - in jobs, in friendships, in romantic relationships. That is painful a bit, but freeing a bit too.
Honeypigs "the Language of Letting Go" daily reader posts help me so much day to day. I had the book in my car for a long time, and I can't tell you how much it got me through. It unties that knot we get in our stomachs, and it is always applicable. In fact - here is yesterday's
Owning Our Power
We don't have to give others so much power and ourselves so little. We don't have to give others so much credit and ourselves so little. In recovery from codependency, we learn there's a big difference between humility and discounting ourselves.
When others act irresponsibly and attempt to blame their problems on us, we no longer feel guilty. We let them face their own consequences.
When others talk nonsense, we don't question our own thinking.
When others try to manipulate or exploit us, we know it's okay to feel anger and distrust and to say no to the plan.
When others tell us that we want something that we really don't want, or someone tells us that we don't want something that we really do want, we trust ourselves. When others tell us things we don't believe, we know it's okay to trust our instincts.
We can even change our mind later.
We don't have to give up our personal power to anyone: strangers, friends, spouses, children, authority figures, or those over whom we're in authority. People may have things to teach us. They may have more information than we have, and may appear more confident or forceful than we feel. But we are equals. Our magic is not in them. Our magic, our light, is in us. And it is as bright a light as theirs.
We are not second-class citizens. By owning our power, we don't have to become aggressive or controlling. We don't have to discount others. But we don't discount ourselves either.
Today I will own my power with people. I will let myself know what I know, feel what I feel, believe what I believe, and see what I see. I will be open to changing and learning from others and experience, but I will trust and validate myself too. I will stand in my own truth.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Firebolt-your words are awesome...and oh so true. Only sick people wabt others to hurt and try to hurt them. As much as my ex has done to me, I don't wish him any pain or hurt-I want him to be happy-I always did, bc I truly loved him.
The Lamguage of Letting Go posts are incredible-I too read them and take a lot from them. Very powerful stuff here, y'all.
The Lamguage of Letting Go posts are incredible-I too read them and take a lot from them. Very powerful stuff here, y'all.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
E,
He was a train wreck then, he's a train wreck now. (we all know he is not the fantastic man you dreamed he was)
It is very, very common that addicts need enablers to take care of them. It happens more times then not. How else can they facilitate their drinking. I know it's hard but be grateful that you are not entering a relationship with a full blown addict. Take your time and heal. Us enablers always end up in better shape then the addict.
Hugs my friend, do something nice for yourself.
He was a train wreck then, he's a train wreck now. (we all know he is not the fantastic man you dreamed he was)
It is very, very common that addicts need enablers to take care of them. It happens more times then not. How else can they facilitate their drinking. I know it's hard but be grateful that you are not entering a relationship with a full blown addict. Take your time and heal. Us enablers always end up in better shape then the addict.
Hugs my friend, do something nice for yourself.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,010
Argh Expanding, this is hard. But everything everyone said is true.
Big hug. Do your mourning and don't replace this guy. Instead get healthy enough that you never have a relationship like this again.
Big hug. Do your mourning and don't replace this guy. Instead get healthy enough that you never have a relationship like this again.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 179
Trust me, I took mine back and kick myself in the behind every day, every time i look at him.
After listening to him bad mouth me tonight, I told him after he goes to work his 'long' day tomorrow at work, that he is not coming home. I am going to spring for a motel room for a week and just get him the heck out of here.
I know it hurts, I have been there. I think what my mom told me is good advice, at some point, it truly becomes about self preservation.
HUGS
After listening to him bad mouth me tonight, I told him after he goes to work his 'long' day tomorrow at work, that he is not coming home. I am going to spring for a motel room for a week and just get him the heck out of here.
I know it hurts, I have been there. I think what my mom told me is good advice, at some point, it truly becomes about self preservation.
HUGS
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
The shock has worn off and there is just an underlying sadness... seeing what you have been told is going to happen, seeing what you have educated yourself on as to what is happening actually happening? Still surreal...
It's sad and hard to watch, and I want to jump in the water and "help" but I'm going to stay dry. I have much compassion for the new partner now... I see me when I first met him...
Being caught in a loop in life is a scary thought to me and I refuse to enter into a relationship like this again. I can see now and there's no way to "unsee". It's too late to go back. Even if I feel pangs and wish we could go back in time and do things differently I know we cannot, and I know that I do not want him back, no matter how much I miss him. Things just aren't the same and never will be again. My perception has changed him into a different person (myself too!), one that I cannot have a healthy relationship with.
Sometimes I have memory recalls where I saw old patterns trying to play out, and how I managed to stay out of them. I believe that is part of the reason why we didn't work... I wasn't aware that I was breaking the pattern, I was only aware that I just... couldn't... do it anymore.
I remember his reaction to my new action... it literally made my stomach drop to witness what was playing out. It "shouldn't" have gone that way... all this time I was the problem but when I changed something he didn't know what to do...
I know I am making the right choices, but it's hard when you are still somewhat involved in the dysfunction, because until I am out of this place I still feel energetically connected. I can feel the pull, and while I have been successful at being stronger than that pull, it still makes me feel icky.
It's sad and hard to watch, and I want to jump in the water and "help" but I'm going to stay dry. I have much compassion for the new partner now... I see me when I first met him...
Being caught in a loop in life is a scary thought to me and I refuse to enter into a relationship like this again. I can see now and there's no way to "unsee". It's too late to go back. Even if I feel pangs and wish we could go back in time and do things differently I know we cannot, and I know that I do not want him back, no matter how much I miss him. Things just aren't the same and never will be again. My perception has changed him into a different person (myself too!), one that I cannot have a healthy relationship with.
Sometimes I have memory recalls where I saw old patterns trying to play out, and how I managed to stay out of them. I believe that is part of the reason why we didn't work... I wasn't aware that I was breaking the pattern, I was only aware that I just... couldn't... do it anymore.
I remember his reaction to my new action... it literally made my stomach drop to witness what was playing out. It "shouldn't" have gone that way... all this time I was the problem but when I changed something he didn't know what to do...
I know I am making the right choices, but it's hard when you are still somewhat involved in the dysfunction, because until I am out of this place I still feel energetically connected. I can feel the pull, and while I have been successful at being stronger than that pull, it still makes me feel icky.
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Expanding-
Part of what got me on my healing journey was a similar experience to what you write about.
One of the ideas I had when this first happened was that I believed my problem drinker Ex had moved on in his dating life as a sign of health. I thought that I was the unhealthy one because I was hurting, emotional and not ready for another relationship. I spent a lot of the first year singing the old Sesame Street song to myself about "One of these things is not like the other....." to remind myself that just because I was doing it differently did not make it bad (there was an affair that impacted two couples and I was the ONLY one who did not date immediately).
I had to learn to value myself, my process and what was healthy for me. I had to work through why I thought the way someone else did it....must be a sign of strength and health....and how come I did not value myself enough to trust myself?
Part of what got me on my healing journey was a similar experience to what you write about.
One of the ideas I had when this first happened was that I believed my problem drinker Ex had moved on in his dating life as a sign of health. I thought that I was the unhealthy one because I was hurting, emotional and not ready for another relationship. I spent a lot of the first year singing the old Sesame Street song to myself about "One of these things is not like the other....." to remind myself that just because I was doing it differently did not make it bad (there was an affair that impacted two couples and I was the ONLY one who did not date immediately).
I had to learn to value myself, my process and what was healthy for me. I had to work through why I thought the way someone else did it....must be a sign of strength and health....and how come I did not value myself enough to trust myself?
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
but it's hard when you are still somewhat involved in the dysfunction,
curious, what does this mean.....how are you still somewhat involved? not being snarky!!!
curious, what does this mean.....how are you still somewhat involved? not being snarky!!!
Still living in the house means I have to communicate with him occasionally. Every time I do it makes me feel terrible, which is why I still feel energetically entangled. It's like I'm always having to be on high alert to assert my boundaries when those lines open up. It feels exhausting and shows me that I have a long way to go in my recovery
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Originally Posted by LifeRecovery
I had to learn to value myself, my process and what was healthy for me. I had to work through why I thought the way someone else did it....must be a sign of strength and health....and how come I did not value myself enough to trust myself?
Had I not "snapped out of it" I can gaurantee I'd be seeing someone by now, I could even tell you who, but a flag popped up almost immediately. I was asked out by a few guys which was a turn off for me because it seemed insensitive. Had I been craving that attention or looking for an escape I could be juggling men right now just for a distraction!
I was telling a friend earlier that I feel now exactly how I felt before I met AXBF. I had gotten out of a one year relationship (with another substance abuser) around March and was single for about six months but always felt this anxious tightness in my chest, and loneliness. When I met AXBF I was tired of being alone and I had never actually dealt with the way I felt from my previous breakup. Before him I relationship hopped and hadn't been single since I was 15!
These men really are representatives of my childhood wounds, especially my most recent ex. Men without problems or who don't "need fixing" never interested me and were actually boring. I feel like I am finally facing things, 15 years later but I can see now there is nothing unhealthy or weak about that.
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Originally Posted by Expanding
This is resonating with me. I saw him moving on as a sign that something was wrong with me. That my inability to hop to another guy meant something was wrong with me. That me feeling so sad and anxious.... well you get it.
Had I not "snapped out of it" I can gaurantee I'd be seeing someone by now, I could even tell you who, but a flag popped up almost immediately. I was asked out by a few guys which was a turn off for me because it seemed insensitive. Had I been craving that attention or looking for an escape I could be juggling men right now just for a distraction!
I was telling a friend earlier that I feel now exactly how I felt before I met AXBF. I had gotten out of a one year relationship (with another substance abuser) around March and was single for about six months but always felt this anxious tightness in my chest, and loneliness. When I met AXBF I was tired of being alone and I had never actually dealt with the way I felt from my previous breakup. Before him I relationship hopped and hadn't been single since I was 15!
These men really are representatives of my childhood wounds, especially my most recent ex. Men without problems or who don't "need fixing" never interested me and were actually boring. I feel like I am finally facing things, 15 years later but I can see now there is nothing unhealthy or weak about that.
Had I not "snapped out of it" I can gaurantee I'd be seeing someone by now, I could even tell you who, but a flag popped up almost immediately. I was asked out by a few guys which was a turn off for me because it seemed insensitive. Had I been craving that attention or looking for an escape I could be juggling men right now just for a distraction!
I was telling a friend earlier that I feel now exactly how I felt before I met AXBF. I had gotten out of a one year relationship (with another substance abuser) around March and was single for about six months but always felt this anxious tightness in my chest, and loneliness. When I met AXBF I was tired of being alone and I had never actually dealt with the way I felt from my previous breakup. Before him I relationship hopped and hadn't been single since I was 15!
These men really are representatives of my childhood wounds, especially my most recent ex. Men without problems or who don't "need fixing" never interested me and were actually boring. I feel like I am finally facing things, 15 years later but I can see now there is nothing unhealthy or weak about that.
It is hard to learn good self care when all of this is going on, but that is what this experience taught me is how important self-care is. When things get rough I NEED more care (not less).
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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Originally Posted by Expanding
This is resonating with me. I saw him moving on as a sign that something was wrong with me. That my inability to hop to another guy meant something was wrong with me. That me feeling so sad and anxious.... well you get it.
Had I not "snapped out of it" I can gaurantee I'd be seeing someone by now, I could even tell you who, but a flag popped up almost immediately. I was asked out by a few guys which was a turn off for me because it seemed insensitive. Had I been craving that attention or looking for an escape I could be juggling men right now just for a distraction!
I was telling a friend earlier that I feel now exactly how I felt before I met AXBF. I had gotten out of a one year relationship (with another substance abuser) around March and was single for about six months but always felt this anxious tightness in my chest, and loneliness. When I met AXBF I was tired of being alone and I had never actually dealt with the way I felt from my previous breakup. Before him I relationship hopped and hadn't been single since I was 15!
These men really are representatives of my childhood wounds, especially my most recent ex. Men without problems or who don't "need fixing" never interested me and were actually boring. I feel like I am finally facing things, 15 years later but I can see now there is nothing unhealthy or weak about that.
Had I not "snapped out of it" I can gaurantee I'd be seeing someone by now, I could even tell you who, but a flag popped up almost immediately. I was asked out by a few guys which was a turn off for me because it seemed insensitive. Had I been craving that attention or looking for an escape I could be juggling men right now just for a distraction!
I was telling a friend earlier that I feel now exactly how I felt before I met AXBF. I had gotten out of a one year relationship (with another substance abuser) around March and was single for about six months but always felt this anxious tightness in my chest, and loneliness. When I met AXBF I was tired of being alone and I had never actually dealt with the way I felt from my previous breakup. Before him I relationship hopped and hadn't been single since I was 15!
These men really are representatives of my childhood wounds, especially my most recent ex. Men without problems or who don't "need fixing" never interested me and were actually boring. I feel like I am finally facing things, 15 years later but I can see now there is nothing unhealthy or weak about that.
Figuring this out is huge in my book. And it is no wonder many folks never get where you are as it is so very very hard.
Let us know anyway we can support you!
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