I see a lost lonely little boy
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yeah, it's a shame.
However YOU can do nothing about it--only he can.
What helped me, personally, was to envision myself placing the alcoholic in the capable hands of HIS Higher Power.
I've been in two marriages to alcoholics, and am over seven years sober, myself. I've seen many, many truly pathetic and seemingly helpless and hopeless alcoholics recover. They do it on their OWN timeline, and only when they have suffered enough losses/pain to do the hard work involved in recovery.
IOW, you would not HELP him by staying.
However YOU can do nothing about it--only he can.
What helped me, personally, was to envision myself placing the alcoholic in the capable hands of HIS Higher Power.
I've been in two marriages to alcoholics, and am over seven years sober, myself. I've seen many, many truly pathetic and seemingly helpless and hopeless alcoholics recover. They do it on their OWN timeline, and only when they have suffered enough losses/pain to do the hard work involved in recovery.
IOW, you would not HELP him by staying.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Yeah, it's a shame.
However YOU can do nothing about it--only he can.
What helped me, personally, was to envision myself placing the alcoholic in the capable hands of HIS Higher Power.
I've been in two marriages to alcoholics, and am over seven years sober, myself. I've seen many, many truly pathetic and seemingly helpless and hopeless alcoholics recover. They do it on their OWN timeline, and only when they have suffered enough losses/pain to do the hard work involved in recovery.
IOW, you would not HELP him by staying.
However YOU can do nothing about it--only he can.
What helped me, personally, was to envision myself placing the alcoholic in the capable hands of HIS Higher Power.
I've been in two marriages to alcoholics, and am over seven years sober, myself. I've seen many, many truly pathetic and seemingly helpless and hopeless alcoholics recover. They do it on their OWN timeline, and only when they have suffered enough losses/pain to do the hard work involved in recovery.
IOW, you would not HELP him by staying.
I didn't cause it, I cannot control it and I cannot cure it... no matter how much I love them...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^ oh my-yes. It is so hard! When you do see what's underneath and know how good they can be...and what potential they have....we fall in love with the good but disregard the glaring obvious reality, until we don't. Your words are so honest and real...and you will get through this. Staying with an addict is enabling, walking away IS helping him get to a bottom, if he ever will have a bottom.
Hugs, it is so hard. You are doing the right, albeit hard and gut wrenching, thing.
Hugs, it is so hard. You are doing the right, albeit hard and gut wrenching, thing.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,010
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Yeah, it's a shame.
However YOU can do nothing about it--only he can.
What helped me, personally, was to envision myself placing the alcoholic in the capable hands of HIS Higher Power.
I've been in two marriages to alcoholics, and am over seven years sober, myself. I've seen many, many truly pathetic and seemingly helpless and hopeless alcoholics recover. They do it on their OWN timeline, and only when they have suffered enough losses/pain to do the hard work involved in recovery.
IOW, you would not HELP him by staying.
However YOU can do nothing about it--only he can.
What helped me, personally, was to envision myself placing the alcoholic in the capable hands of HIS Higher Power.
I've been in two marriages to alcoholics, and am over seven years sober, myself. I've seen many, many truly pathetic and seemingly helpless and hopeless alcoholics recover. They do it on their OWN timeline, and only when they have suffered enough losses/pain to do the hard work involved in recovery.
IOW, you would not HELP him by staying.
Expanding, letting them go is a type of love but it sure is contra-intuitive.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I watched an episode of Intervention last night and something that the interventionist said was a great visual to me.
He said (this person) has been digging their own grave, shovelful by shovelful; and when you stay & enable even though it goes against what you know is right & good - you're picking up a shovel & helping him dig.
He went to basically say that (this person) has the ability to put the shovel down at any time, but he's less likely to try if you keep helping him dig.
It's not easy to accept, but sometimes the very best thing we can do for someone is to get out of their way & give them the dignity of saving themselves. ((((HUGS))))
He said (this person) has been digging their own grave, shovelful by shovelful; and when you stay & enable even though it goes against what you know is right & good - you're picking up a shovel & helping him dig.
He went to basically say that (this person) has the ability to put the shovel down at any time, but he's less likely to try if you keep helping him dig.
It's not easy to accept, but sometimes the very best thing we can do for someone is to get out of their way & give them the dignity of saving themselves. ((((HUGS))))
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Expanding......how about looking at it this way----that lost and lonely "little boy" will crush and destroy you.....without knowing/caring......because the disease which is in control him does not care one twit about your pain or your tears......
(I totally get your empathy for others)....that is a beautiful thing, the ability to care for o thers......
You have the right to self-preservation....
dandylion
(I totally get your empathy for others)....that is a beautiful thing, the ability to care for o thers......
You have the right to self-preservation....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
I know that feeling very well... It kept me hanging on for so long and giving second chance after second chance, but it didn't do either of us any good.
It's hard though, I know!
Hugs to you, Expanding!
Take care of YOU. You deserve it
It's hard though, I know!
Hugs to you, Expanding!
Take care of YOU. You deserve it
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I looked like a lost and lonely little girl as well. And I felt like one as well at times, but jeez I was good at turning it up for an audience that it'd work on. The trouble with us alcoholics in our Never Never Land is that we can be painfully selfish and manipulative to keep that illusion alive for ourselves. While Nana-dog and Wendy are running around trying to look after Peter Pan and the Lost Boys , maybe having the odd run in with a vicious little Tinkerbelle or two, Peter is lording it up in the pretend world that he or she places themselves at the centre of with no real regard for anyone else's pain, or the impact his escapades have on others lives.
I'm now just over 2 years sober, and am so, so relieved to be working a program of recovery that has afforded me a conscience and the ability to be accountable for my actions at any time of day or night, whether the bars are open or not. But most of all, I'm so glad that the me I am now doesn't have to meet the me I was then. She was a vile piece of work - no matter how lost and lonely she managed to look at times.
If he's lost and lonely, it's up to him to find his way, and reach out to people who can help him. Only HE can do it. Unfortunately, anyone who just dulls those feelings for him (even if its to help him) just remove the motivation for him to get better.
I'm now just over 2 years sober, and am so, so relieved to be working a program of recovery that has afforded me a conscience and the ability to be accountable for my actions at any time of day or night, whether the bars are open or not. But most of all, I'm so glad that the me I am now doesn't have to meet the me I was then. She was a vile piece of work - no matter how lost and lonely she managed to look at times.
If he's lost and lonely, it's up to him to find his way, and reach out to people who can help him. Only HE can do it. Unfortunately, anyone who just dulls those feelings for him (even if its to help him) just remove the motivation for him to get better.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
A lot of good wisdom with these replies.
I think reminding yourself that you WERE his girlfriend NOT his mother helps with that vision of him being a lost lonely little boy. When we make excuses in our thoughts for how or why they probably got to this point in their lives we remain attached and justify why we can’t really let go. And when we can’t let go we imprison ourselves to their addiction. We are never the fix or the cure and that is something we often have a hard time accepting.
No relationship works out when pity is the glue that keeps one stuck. When we feel sorry for them and stick around we usually fall into that enabling role, it doesn’t do them any good and it certainly doesn’t do us any good.
If he’s that lost and lonely he’d find his way out of it, he’d change that unpleasantness in his life, he’d seek help BUT if he’s not doing any of those things, he’s comfortable with the life he is leading even if that life doesn’t include you or your feelings or the life you imagined you’d have with him.
Love doesn’t always have to be an ACTION on our part, we don’t have to do things for them or buy things for them or take care of things for them in order to PROVE love.
I think reminding yourself that you WERE his girlfriend NOT his mother helps with that vision of him being a lost lonely little boy. When we make excuses in our thoughts for how or why they probably got to this point in their lives we remain attached and justify why we can’t really let go. And when we can’t let go we imprison ourselves to their addiction. We are never the fix or the cure and that is something we often have a hard time accepting.
No relationship works out when pity is the glue that keeps one stuck. When we feel sorry for them and stick around we usually fall into that enabling role, it doesn’t do them any good and it certainly doesn’t do us any good.
If he’s that lost and lonely he’d find his way out of it, he’d change that unpleasantness in his life, he’d seek help BUT if he’s not doing any of those things, he’s comfortable with the life he is leading even if that life doesn’t include you or your feelings or the life you imagined you’d have with him.
Love doesn’t always have to be an ACTION on our part, we don’t have to do things for them or buy things for them or take care of things for them in order to PROVE love.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
if you were in an 8 year relationship with this person, he is NOT a BOY.....unless you commenced the relationsihp when he was TWO. he may act young, respond to the world with an immature outlook, or be enabled by his parents, but he is most certainly an ADULT. and it is important for you to keep that front and center.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
Originally Posted by atalose
A lot of good wisdom with these replies.
No relationship works out when pity is the glue that keeps one stuck. When we feel sorry for them and stick around we usually fall into that enabling role, it doesn’t do them any good and it certainly doesn’t do us any good.
No relationship works out when pity is the glue that keeps one stuck. When we feel sorry for them and stick around we usually fall into that enabling role, it doesn’t do them any good and it certainly doesn’t do us any good.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,010
Originally Posted by Expanding
I am realizing something here. A while back I asked him if he was staying with me out of pity or love, and I was projecting big time. I was ME that I needed to ask that question to... was *I* the one staying out of pity or love??
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Most of us have hurt children inside, and they show themselves at times of stress. I guess being an adult is about learning to cope with that part of our personalities. Sometimes it's therapy, or reading, or just life experiences.
Your A is taking the long way round, via alcohol, but he might make it one day. He must face up to the consequences of his addiction. You must look after yourself.
Your A is taking the long way round, via alcohol, but he might make it one day. He must face up to the consequences of his addiction. You must look after yourself.
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