Behavior/Personality change after sobriety
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 1
Oh my goodness Jen how i would LOVE to speak with you!
I am in the exact same boat as you except i have no kids to keep me distracted.
Looks like this is the behavioural changes addiction causes unless both our husbands happen to have the same exact pathological thing going on!!
I hope you see my message. I would really like to talk with you.
I am in the exact same boat as you except i have no kids to keep me distracted.
Looks like this is the behavioural changes addiction causes unless both our husbands happen to have the same exact pathological thing going on!!
I hope you see my message. I would really like to talk with you.
Originally Posted by wildrosejmj 
Hello!
I just found your site tonight while trying to research some things. I'll try to be brief, though history has proven that I tend to write, "books."
My husband and I have been together for over 25 years, married for 23 of those. He is currently 57. We were always social drinkers, but after our first child was born 22 years ago, he began to have a drinking problem (hiding bottles around the house, etc). It was primarily some sort of self-medication because he never looked or acted drunk and I didn't know what alcoholism looked like so I just didn't pick up on what was happening.
This continued for about 10 yrs. Most of that time, he held things together pretty well. He had some job losses, but there was always and excuse. But of course, his drinking became steadily heavier and his health declined. Nine years ago, he quit cold turkey and was sober for one year, but when he relapsed, he ended up having a withdrawal induced seizure.
The next 5 yrs were a roller coaster of treatment programs, sobriety, and relapse. Each time he went into treatment he truly wanted to quit. It would take a month or two for his brain to get right again, but he always came back to his usual self. But each time he relapsed, it was worse. The last year was terrible. He was angry all the time, was on a constant cycle of wake, drink, sleep, wake, drink, sleep, and I never knew if, when we left, he would be alive when we came home. Yet, when he went into treatment the second to last time (about 4.5 years ago), he recovered so well! He was joking around, conversed, talked about how he was feeling - was just really doing well.
Then, he relapsed again. Again, he fell really hard, but this time, when he went back into treatment, he wasn't the same. He was inpatient and when I realized by the 4-5 month mark that he wasn't going back to his "old self," I raised my concerns, first with the staff there and then with his psychiatrist. He was very angry all the time at everyone, childish, irrational. He was already on an antidepressant (citalapram) so they added Welbutrin. That stabilized his mood pretty well but I started noticing a few minor memory things that had never been there before. It was very minor and I didn't give it much thought, but it was definitely something different. He also could not seem to stick with the recovery program. As soon as he was allowed home visits, he would drink. He had never done this before. After 10 months in the program, he was discharged for drinking.
He regained sobriety once home and things were pretty stable for the next 1.5 yrs. We hit on the idea that he always seemed fine until he got money. It was like, once he had money, he just couldn't resist the urge. So, with him in agreement, I took complete control of all the money. He has now been sober since Nov. 2013 (2.5 yrs), with the exception of 2 very minor relapses that lasted 3 days and 1 day, respectively. during that time.
Now we come to my concern. A little over a year ago, I started noticing more memory things, a little more mixing things up (like dates and times, details, etc.). Again, fairly minor, but still, something different. Then, in April of last year, he went from feeling a little, "off," to full blown crazy within a couple of days. He was so irrational and angry. It was all the old cards coming back into play - no one loves him, nobody cares about him, I was the root of all his problems because I was controlling and yelled at him all the time, on and on and on. Then I discovered that he had used my credit cards online to get access to porn and dating sites. This was something he NEVER did before. He had taken cash sure enough, but I was really taken aback by this move (I got all the charges reversed).
It was decided that his antidepressant had stopped working and they switched out his citalapram for zoloft. Again, it stabilized his mood - though still not great, but there was still other things that weren't right. He stopped going to church, his hygiene is G-O-N-E. He was never a fussy person or anything, but he at least kept clean! And he never would have been caught dead going out to appointments in sweat pants. Now, he wears the same clothes EVERY day. He'll wash them periodically, but then put them right back on. His current sweatshirt has holes in both elbows and all around the wrist cuffs. I choose not to fight the bath or clothing battles, but I will occasionally wash his dentures - like when looking at the water is going to make me puke. They've recently upped his antidepressant - again - and also have him on anxiety meds 3x a day.
So, my long winded point here is, when he first gained sobriety, I was made to understand that it can take a while for the brain to recover and that he would get better over time, especially if he stayed sober. So, he's done that, but he's not getting better. He's getting worse. Does anyone have knowledge or experience of what could be happening here? I'm guessing that there has been damage done to his brain, but is it something that will just plateau here and this is just how he'll be for the rest of his life, or are we looking at some sort of degenerative/dementia kind of thing? I recently heard about FTD (frontal temporal dementia) and his behaviors mimic those very well, but here's the thing - I can't get his health care team to work with me. Over the winter I voiced my continued concerns about his behavior and was basically told that, because the memory testing they did showed no problems, he was fine - "doing really well," was what his counselor said - so it must be because we have marital problems. Um. . . . except that he doesn't tell her the truth - or he tells her HIS version of the truth. The only time we have marital problems is when I choose to challenge him on his behavior (for example, tell him that it is inappropriate for him to swear at the 7 & 8 year olds when they are playing and get a little loud), something I generally try to avoid.
Bottom line, he is a completely different person than he has ever been in the over 25 years I've known him. There is nothing left of the fun, jokey man I once knew, who loved to rile the kids up with silliness, and always cared for me. He was never perfect, but up until the last years of his drinking, he was still good, and life was good. There is so much more I could say but I've already made this so long. If anyone has any info or thoughts, I'd love to hear them. Thanks.
Jen
I just found your site tonight while trying to research some things. I'll try to be brief, though history has proven that I tend to write, "books."
My husband and I have been together for over 25 years, married for 23 of those. He is currently 57. We were always social drinkers, but after our first child was born 22 years ago, he began to have a drinking problem (hiding bottles around the house, etc). It was primarily some sort of self-medication because he never looked or acted drunk and I didn't know what alcoholism looked like so I just didn't pick up on what was happening.
This continued for about 10 yrs. Most of that time, he held things together pretty well. He had some job losses, but there was always and excuse. But of course, his drinking became steadily heavier and his health declined. Nine years ago, he quit cold turkey and was sober for one year, but when he relapsed, he ended up having a withdrawal induced seizure.
The next 5 yrs were a roller coaster of treatment programs, sobriety, and relapse. Each time he went into treatment he truly wanted to quit. It would take a month or two for his brain to get right again, but he always came back to his usual self. But each time he relapsed, it was worse. The last year was terrible. He was angry all the time, was on a constant cycle of wake, drink, sleep, wake, drink, sleep, and I never knew if, when we left, he would be alive when we came home. Yet, when he went into treatment the second to last time (about 4.5 years ago), he recovered so well! He was joking around, conversed, talked about how he was feeling - was just really doing well.
Then, he relapsed again. Again, he fell really hard, but this time, when he went back into treatment, he wasn't the same. He was inpatient and when I realized by the 4-5 month mark that he wasn't going back to his "old self," I raised my concerns, first with the staff there and then with his psychiatrist. He was very angry all the time at everyone, childish, irrational. He was already on an antidepressant (citalapram) so they added Welbutrin. That stabilized his mood pretty well but I started noticing a few minor memory things that had never been there before. It was very minor and I didn't give it much thought, but it was definitely something different. He also could not seem to stick with the recovery program. As soon as he was allowed home visits, he would drink. He had never done this before. After 10 months in the program, he was discharged for drinking.
He regained sobriety once home and things were pretty stable for the next 1.5 yrs. We hit on the idea that he always seemed fine until he got money. It was like, once he had money, he just couldn't resist the urge. So, with him in agreement, I took complete control of all the money. He has now been sober since Nov. 2013 (2.5 yrs), with the exception of 2 very minor relapses that lasted 3 days and 1 day, respectively. during that time.
Now we come to my concern. A little over a year ago, I started noticing more memory things, a little more mixing things up (like dates and times, details, etc.). Again, fairly minor, but still, something different. Then, in April of last year, he went from feeling a little, "off," to full blown crazy within a couple of days. He was so irrational and angry. It was all the old cards coming back into play - no one loves him, nobody cares about him, I was the root of all his problems because I was controlling and yelled at him all the time, on and on and on. Then I discovered that he had used my credit cards online to get access to porn and dating sites. This was something he NEVER did before. He had taken cash sure enough, but I was really taken aback by this move (I got all the charges reversed).
It was decided that his antidepressant had stopped working and they switched out his citalapram for zoloft. Again, it stabilized his mood - though still not great, but there was still other things that weren't right. He stopped going to church, his hygiene is G-O-N-E. He was never a fussy person or anything, but he at least kept clean! And he never would have been caught dead going out to appointments in sweat pants. Now, he wears the same clothes EVERY day. He'll wash them periodically, but then put them right back on. His current sweatshirt has holes in both elbows and all around the wrist cuffs. I choose not to fight the bath or clothing battles, but I will occasionally wash his dentures - like when looking at the water is going to make me puke. They've recently upped his antidepressant - again - and also have him on anxiety meds 3x a day.
So, my long winded point here is, when he first gained sobriety, I was made to understand that it can take a while for the brain to recover and that he would get better over time, especially if he stayed sober. So, he's done that, but he's not getting better. He's getting worse. Does anyone have knowledge or experience of what could be happening here? I'm guessing that there has been damage done to his brain, but is it something that will just plateau here and this is just how he'll be for the rest of his life, or are we looking at some sort of degenerative/dementia kind of thing? I recently heard about FTD (frontal temporal dementia) and his behaviors mimic those very well, but here's the thing - I can't get his health care team to work with me. Over the winter I voiced my continued concerns about his behavior and was basically told that, because the memory testing they did showed no problems, he was fine - "doing really well," was what his counselor said - so it must be because we have marital problems. Um. . . . except that he doesn't tell her the truth - or he tells her HIS version of the truth. The only time we have marital problems is when I choose to challenge him on his behavior (for example, tell him that it is inappropriate for him to swear at the 7 & 8 year olds when they are playing and get a little loud), something I generally try to avoid.
Bottom line, he is a completely different person than he has ever been in the over 25 years I've known him. There is nothing left of the fun, jokey man I once knew, who loved to rile the kids up with silliness, and always cared for me. He was never perfect, but up until the last years of his drinking, he was still good, and life was good. There is so much more I could say but I've already made this so long. If anyone has any info or thoughts, I'd love to hear them. Thanks.
Jen
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