Flavia2

I don't believe he'll ever stop. The lying, drinking, craziness continues. It's a circus and just as bad from afar as it was close up.

My life is ok. Sometimes good things happen! It's nice to have feelings of joy again.

I am going to talk to another lawyer, see if I can move forward. Try to find a way out.

Did you tell your ex before you filed? Or was it a surprise?

redatlanta

I don't believe you are living together correct? Appears you have been separated since '15.

If you are I can't see a reason to tell him necessarily. I certainly wouldn't tell him you are seeking council and plan to file. It just opens the door to argument. It appears you have discussed divorce with each other multiple times, and have separated several times as well.

There are situations where its best not to, such as if you think he will avoid being served which prolongs the process and can cost more $$.

After all you have been through it shouldn't come as a surprise to him.

LexieCat

What would be the point of giving him a heads-up? The law gives him plenty of time to consult a lawyer (or several) before he responds to the complaint. It seems to accomplish nothing more than to add a lot of drama (pleading, promises, anger, etc.) to the process before you even file the complaint. He can just as easily throw a fit after than before.

Jaguar55

It's hard to comprehend how they just keep going and going and going - like the Energizer Bunny - with the whole pattern of drinking and lying and carrying on. If you get the papers I'd just proceed without trying to talk to him about it. That will just be giving him the opportunity to mess with you!

Flavia2

Yes, we separated with the intention of working things out while he got sober. Then he moved back in for awhile (big mistake!) and then he started drinking & separated AGAIN. He always begs me to please give him another chance, he is trying, blah blah blah.

I just don't believe he will ever get sober at this point, and even though separated it's hard to share finances, etc.

AnvilheadII

check your own motives for wanting to TELL him that you PLAN to file for divorce. do you mean that is truly your intention OR is it a threat of sorts.....as in, if you don't get your act together, i am divorcing you.

probably best to just put a fork in it and call it done. why drag it out? why do that to yourself?

Flavia2

I see how you would think that but it's more because I'm afraid of his reaction. Which is still really unhealthy.

honeypig

Flavia, one of the accusations that was made by XAH was that I "hadn't given him enough time." I had "rushed into divorce w/o giving him a chance."

I found in an old journal that I was aware of the alcoholic drinking in 2008--we'd been married for 12 years then. In 2009, he allegedly starting going to AA, and faked going to meetings for 4 years while still drinking. In January of 2013, I noticed a withdrawal from our savings account that I knew nothing about--after questions, I then learned that he'd never been to a meeting or stopped drinking.

In November of 2014, I finally filed for divorce but converted that to a separation, then converted back to a divorce when he was obviously drunk in late June of 2015.

Doing the math, that looks to me like 7 years where I knew about the drinking. SEVEN YEARS. But yet I "rushed into the divorce w/o giving him a chance"...

I was drawn into his promises of quitting in the beginning. I really believed he HAD stopped many times, only to find out that I'd believed lies once again. He himself said to me "you must feel like Charlie Brown, trying to kick the football that Lucy always pulls away at the last moment." Yup, I sure did.

If that's where you are, then yes, it's probably time to move on, whatever his reaction may be. If you're concerned that it may not be time to do so yet b/c you still care for him, here's a little nugget I saw on SR the other day: "If you think you shouldn't leave b/c you still care for him, realize that it's better to leave while you still care than to wait until you hate him." (may not be exact, but that was the gist of it)

You might want to look at this article: http://www.familyrecoverysolutions.c...lcoholic-mate/

Wishing you strength and clarity at this crossroads in your life, Flavia.

SeriousKarma

I could tell a similar story.

Dealing with this disease has a funny way of screwing around with our sense of time. When an addict says "I'll be home at 6:00" does that mean 6:00 today, or three days from now? Likewise, when we, the codependent, say we haven't given them enough time, what does that mean? I gave my XAH 23 years. It seemed like a week.

My attorney told me not to tell my XAH that he was going to be served. It was very, very hard. Nerve wracking. I still felt a loyalty toward him, as his wife, to be honest and forthcoming. But it was time that I put myself first, and besides, I was paying the lawyer a hefty sum to do the thinking for me. So I decided to follow his advice.

When my XAH was served there was no drama. He was sort of expecting it.

minime13

He is going to react in many ways, whether you file or not. It seems, in your previous posts, that you've had this ongoing discussion and he's given you various reactions. It also seems like he continues the same cycle of putting you through hell.

If you are worried that he may act out physically, then make sure a protective order is in place - not just temporary. Otherwise, he's had plenty of time and opportunity to react and prevent a divorce. You've given him plenty of thought of how it will affect him. Enough of him.

How is it going to affect you? Divorce is tough on two people. How are you feeling, without thinking of him? It sounds like you've decided that it's time, so it may be a good idea to start processing how you're going to handle this.

It seems that, when someone separates or ends a relationship with an alcoholic or addict, so much thought and concern is put into how that alcoholic or addict will react, or how they will be, or how they will handle everything.

I poured through months of that and when it happened (kinda suddenly and due to extreme circumstances), I had not put much thought into giving myself a safe landing spot (and I was only dating, not married, so the separation all I had to do). We overlook our own care here, and we really shouldn't.

If you are ready for the divorce, then file it. Let him be served. There is no need to talk to him beforehand - you're getting a divorce so this kind of drama and hell is no longer a part of your life. Talking to him is simply going to give you another dose of it. I mean, if you need a reminder as to why you're doing this, then sure - he'll give you a reminder. Otherwise, don't put yourself through it.

Then start working on how you're going to get yourself through it. You can't worry about how he's going to deal with it, because you have your part of it to work through. You and your kids. It's rough on everyone, but in cases like this it's a necessity.

Just make sure you get yourself into a place of comfort where you will make it through the proceedings intact, and be proactive about certain things. One thing to think about and set up would be communication standards. You don't have to compromise - just figure how and why you want to hear from him after you file. Set up a plan for how you want things to go.

You've got your own preparations and adjustments to think about, and that's more than enough. No need to add to it by thinking of and for him. He's got the faculties to do that for himself, whether he wants to be responsible about it or not. That's his issue, not yours, and he's the ony one that can handle it.

Flavia2

Wow, thank you everyone. Each reply has so much wisdom...and I can see now I'm always putting HIS needs in front of my own. Really sick.

My plan is to start working the steps for ACOAs, and attend the weekly meetings. I really think that is where my fear of angry people starts & it is something to fix.