Deciding whether or not to stay in a marriage heavily damaged by addiction
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I will echo what Hopeful4 said, this is a lifelong issue. The longer someone stays sober, the less likely they are to relapse. Recovery is forever.
There is no 100% guarantee. You could go for years with nothing and then bam, you whole world turns upside down. My husband relapsed after 9 years sober. It was short and he got back on track, there is no guarantee of that either. There is no guarantee he never will again. There is one guarantee though, if he ever does again its over. That's my boundary, and I damn sure mean it.
Boundaries are very important to establish in any relationship. Truthfully all relationships are a crap shoot of sorts. Can we predict the lifelong choices of a person? Nope. You worry she will relapse. She worries you will leave her. You both have the same problem. You need a boundary of what you will tolerate and what you will not.
Lexie is correct you need to get to Al Anon and you need to work the step program. Recovery is necessary for you too you most likely are codependent. My advice would be to work on yourself, maybe get a therapist as well to help you with what's going on . Maintain status quo on the living situation until you can decisively choose your path.
In this situation I would want to see 1 year of sobriety before I would entertain progressing with the marriage.
There is no 100% guarantee. You could go for years with nothing and then bam, you whole world turns upside down. My husband relapsed after 9 years sober. It was short and he got back on track, there is no guarantee of that either. There is no guarantee he never will again. There is one guarantee though, if he ever does again its over. That's my boundary, and I damn sure mean it.
Boundaries are very important to establish in any relationship. Truthfully all relationships are a crap shoot of sorts. Can we predict the lifelong choices of a person? Nope. You worry she will relapse. She worries you will leave her. You both have the same problem. You need a boundary of what you will tolerate and what you will not.
Lexie is correct you need to get to Al Anon and you need to work the step program. Recovery is necessary for you too you most likely are codependent. My advice would be to work on yourself, maybe get a therapist as well to help you with what's going on . Maintain status quo on the living situation until you can decisively choose your path.
In this situation I would want to see 1 year of sobriety before I would entertain progressing with the marriage.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Red-great words. Yes-you both are worried about the OTHER persons choices and what they will do vs worrying about yourself individually. You can't control whether your spouse will relapse! That's on that person. Your spouse can't control whether you leave or not. Red is right-all relationships are a crap shoot if sorts-marriage is no different. You vow to love honor and cherish that person-alcoholism and abuse destroys all of that, in both partners.
Al-anon would be beneficial for you to put the focus back on you and your choices, regardless of what your spouse does or doesbt do.
Peace to you.
Al-anon would be beneficial for you to put the focus back on you and your choices, regardless of what your spouse does or doesbt do.
Peace to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
"I know that I'm unable to immerse in a romantic relationship if I need to be ready to leave if he drinks--so I'd be holding back a piece of myself that I want to share with my partner. I've never experienced being able to lean on and tryust my partner fully--and I deserve that. I want that someday. So I need to go out seek it elsewhere. "Praying, thank you for expressing that so perfectly, I appreciate you sharing the hard earned insights of your journey.
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