Roxxxy

So... It's been a while since I've posted on here. It's been about three years since I haven't had any contact with my exabf. While I was the one who broke off the relationship and kicked him out, it was the hardest thing I had to do considering how much I deeply cared for him.

It took me a year 1/2 to get over him along with all the emotional, mental, verbal and physical abuse he put me through. Although, after I've fully recovered my self esteem, strength, good health, happiness and life came back. My life has been positive and happy without him.

However, over the last 10 months he gas been trying to get in touch with me twice through social media (facebook). Six months ago he sent me a request.... I was ignored it. Just recently he sent me another this month. Yes, I'm ignoring it.

I'm not interested in getting back with him. That will never happen!! Just curious what he may want???? !!!!

Any thoughts from a recovery alcoholics prospective?

amy55

Hey Roxxxy,

How are you doing?

For why they do whatever it is that they do, I got no idea, (lol)

It could be for reasons like my ex used to give me, "I can't be that bad, you're still with me"........ I'm not anymore. It could be because his life isn't working out the way that he wanted it too..... It could be for many reasons....

One reason that it is not about, is that he started to actually respect you and wants to treat you that way. That might not have come out the way that I meant to say it, because you do deserve that respect that he never showed you.

Again, congrats, on the no contact. Good job.

(((((hugs))))))
amy

Ananda

Sorry cause I am also an alkie, as well as a "alanon"....

But what your post reminded me of was a man I had to leave. After a very difficult time (due to both his and my addiction problems) he wanted me to come back. I absolutely knew that he was better, and I absolutely knew that he was getting better for someone else. Our relationship was over and he was growing and would find love again elsewhere. Our relationship was over.

Now, 20 years later, He has created a new life for himself with a wonderful woman (who ironically was once my sponsor lol). We talk on Facebook occasionally, but only after 20 years.

For me, letting go of a relationship isn't about saying they are crap, its about recognizing that "our time" has gone and we need to move on to the future with as much insight as we can gain from our past.

Sorry if I'm being inappropriate

Nands

Ariesagain

Be careful? Maybe he wants to get in touch for all kinds of healthy, respectful reasons...or maybe he's going through his Rolodex of codependents because the latest one just put him out on the curb and he needs his next soft place to land...

Yes, I am that cynical

(Do they still even make Rolodexes? Rolodexi?)

honeypig

Well, since my crystal ball is still on the fritz, I can't actually answer that question. However, if I was in your shoes, I know what I'd want him to want: I'd want him to want to tell me how wonderful I am, how right I was all along, how badly he treated me and how much he wishes he could make it all up to me somehow.

Then I'd want him to want to come over w/his magic wand and whisk away all the wreckage of the past 20 years, physical, emotional and mental.

But I don't think any of that is going to happen, in my case or yours!

Honestly, there is no way to know for sure what he wants, and any guess that anyone here gives you is exactly that, a guess. You are doing the right thing in ignoring him and I hope you can continue to do that (can you block him totally? I'm not FB literate...).

Keep moving ahead w/your own recovery--sounds like you're making progress!

Hawkeye13

I'm cynical too--you've rebuilt and have new resources
he may want to help himself to--recycling of old partners is
pretty common, unfortunately.

I think you are wise to block and not respond.

Great job on your recovery, and strength, by the way--

healthyagain

Another cynical one here.

When my ex initiates the contact, it's no good. It just means that he thinks he can still push my buttons.

dandylion

Roxxy.......I think you have gotten some pretty insightful responses...especially, from ananda and honeypig. Healthyagain, Hawkeye and Amy are being properly protective of y ou, also....lol.....

I am going to suggest that you make a list..on paper...to carry with you, at all times....a l ist of the major reasons that you had to kick him out....
List the 5 or 6 worst events in the relationship and how it negatively affected you and how it made you feel.
don't just think about it...write it out !

Statistically, it is very grim for relationships that broke up...and give it another try, later. For whatever reason---not just addiction or alcoholism.
Couples who divorce and try it again....almost always don't make it, even if they remarry each other again.
Iylanya VanZant tried that...and hers didn't make it either!!! go Figure...
Same goes for "first loves"....who meet up twenty years later....
Just about the same for every other scenatio of ex-lovers (except for Hollywood romantic comedies).
Now, for every rule...there are exceptions.....
In medicine, there is a saying...."When you hear hoofbeats, think horses--not zebras"

I can understand your curiosity....that is very human.....

dandylion

AnvilheadII

i thought on a FB request you can say NO or decline or whatever and they cannot send you anything further?? and you can block them?

as for WHY - who the hell knows. maybe he did find the ole Rolodex. (ha funny, i DO still use a rolodex at work........). maybe he wants to say he's sorry. maybe he is bored as hell and has too much time on his hands.

it's up to you to defend your boundaries. and keep him out. zap him.

teatreeoil007

I had an old boyfriend try to 'friend' me on facebook. I didn't accept his friend request. To do so would have been opening a door that was shut long long ago and needs to stay shut.

vcfanatic

^ this right there. This is not anything specific to alcoholics or addicts but it is specific to abusers and batterers. For me, once a man has demonstrated that he has a capacity for abuse or disrespect HE IS GONE. He forfeits the right to any kind of future in regards to civility or friendship. So does it really matter WHAT he's looking for from you? He's already shown you WHO he is...

Block him on your phone, email addresses and all social media. When he sees he doesn't get a second chance to abuse you, he will move on.

caretaker88

Blocking him sets a very firm and clear boundary, no explanation needed.

redatlanta

I had a man call me about a year ago that I dated when I was about 28. Was nothing serious - we remained friendly for a couple of years. I think the last time we had contact was 10 years ago plus. He called to ask me out.

My last ex continues to contact me here and there. We broke up 7 years ago.

I could count others who have contacted me through the years when there was nothing there, and had been no contact for years.

What they want? They have found themselves single, and are going through their list of ex's to see if they can pump some CPR into something that's been dead forever. You are probably one of many that has been contacted. That's just my experience. Keep the door shut.

Roxxxy

Thank you everyone for all comments! You all have given me some great feedback that I greatly appreciate!

As far as the exabf goes... I'm sure he had a drunk moment and sent me request lol He's completely bonkers!! I sure he hasn't changed and is still drinking. I saw him twice within the last year walking down the Main Street of town we live in. He was looking like he was up to no good... Smh.... looked unhealthy. I assume he still doesn't have a car since he was walking. Although best he doesn't! We don't need another drunk behind the wheel out there!

Thank goodness he is OUT of my life!! I don't miss a thing about him. - Cheers