WiIl I ever trust again?
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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WiIl I ever trust again?
Lying in bed this morning feeling depressed. My two months last year with the XABF have bought nothing but grief and I'm still dealing with the aftermath. After the Bailiffs letter two days ago for his unpaid DUI fine, I don't know how I will ever find it in me to trust another man again.
Does the ability to trust ever come back?
Does the ability to trust ever come back?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Hi chloe,
I'm sorry you are struggling. I can relate. I have deep seated trust issues , as well, from alcoholic parents.
I would suggest that you work on yourself, before getting involved with anyone new. Codependent No More, by Melody Beatty is a wonderful book. It helped me to learn what is healthy in a relationship (I also attended Al-anon meetings).
If you learn how to trust yourself and your choices, it will go a long way toward guiding you into a good , trustworthy relationship.
best of luck to you!
chic
I'm sorry you are struggling. I can relate. I have deep seated trust issues , as well, from alcoholic parents.
I would suggest that you work on yourself, before getting involved with anyone new. Codependent No More, by Melody Beatty is a wonderful book. It helped me to learn what is healthy in a relationship (I also attended Al-anon meetings).
If you learn how to trust yourself and your choices, it will go a long way toward guiding you into a good , trustworthy relationship.
best of luck to you!
chic
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^ I second this. We must learn to trust ourselves, first....that's the work we have to do. Trust ourselves and respect ourselves enough to say no and walk away, choose healthy, etc. Yes, you will trust again but it comes from inside you-the work you do on YOU!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Yes, it is possible. 18 months ago I swore I would never trust another man again. I was so broken and I swore off love, sex, intimacy, opening my heart to someone ever again.
Al Anon and working with a therapist helped me to see that I deserve love and I deserve more and that I can learn to risk again by trusting someone else. I am in a great relationship today with a man whom I actually trust implicitly, more so than I ever trusted my XAH. It's weird but I found it easy to trust my bf. The relationship isn't perfect and I've had to work through my own codependency and neediness and I had to really focus on myself and work through MY issues, but I hung in there and stayed with him because I truly knew the problems were within myself; that he was a good man but he was just so dang different from my ex and I couldn't wrap my brain around it.
My new relationship may not work out. My heart may get broken, but I know that after all I've been through, I'll still be OK and that it's OK for me to risk and take a chance at finding love again. It's just that this time I'm keeping my eyes wide open and learning to work on acceptance of both my bf and myself.
Heal yourself first. Make peace with your past and move forward in faith knowing that it will all work out. Hugs to you!
Al Anon and working with a therapist helped me to see that I deserve love and I deserve more and that I can learn to risk again by trusting someone else. I am in a great relationship today with a man whom I actually trust implicitly, more so than I ever trusted my XAH. It's weird but I found it easy to trust my bf. The relationship isn't perfect and I've had to work through my own codependency and neediness and I had to really focus on myself and work through MY issues, but I hung in there and stayed with him because I truly knew the problems were within myself; that he was a good man but he was just so dang different from my ex and I couldn't wrap my brain around it.
My new relationship may not work out. My heart may get broken, but I know that after all I've been through, I'll still be OK and that it's OK for me to risk and take a chance at finding love again. It's just that this time I'm keeping my eyes wide open and learning to work on acceptance of both my bf and myself.
Heal yourself first. Make peace with your past and move forward in faith knowing that it will all work out. Hugs to you!
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 158
I´ve been following a blog called baggagereclaim by a british lady called Natalie Lue, it´s a real eye-opener about relationships. She says you will trust men again when you learn to trust yourself.
I´ve found everything she writes very helpful, in my particular case to understand why I´m having trouble setting boundaries and how that affects my way of relating to others, and how to overcome bad experiences by developing a good relationship with myself first.
I´ve found everything she writes very helpful, in my particular case to understand why I´m having trouble setting boundaries and how that affects my way of relating to others, and how to overcome bad experiences by developing a good relationship with myself first.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Sure the ability to trust again comes back.
What has happened to you very recently is still very fresh and in a way you are WISE to be wary of trusting anyone too soon. I mean, who can we really trust at any given time? People let us down from time to time; don't keep their word, etc, whether it's friends, family member or intimate partners.
If you've got a solid foundation of being okay in the relationship with yourself, when it boils down to it, it doesn't matter so much what others do...Does that makes a person a bit of a loner in a sense? Maybe. I have found that rather than worry about whether I can trust others, I focus more on being a trustworthy person myself. It seems to always circle back around to knowing that sometimes the best you can do is keep focusing on yourself and working on yourself. You'll not go wrong with that.
What has happened to you very recently is still very fresh and in a way you are WISE to be wary of trusting anyone too soon. I mean, who can we really trust at any given time? People let us down from time to time; don't keep their word, etc, whether it's friends, family member or intimate partners.
If you've got a solid foundation of being okay in the relationship with yourself, when it boils down to it, it doesn't matter so much what others do...Does that makes a person a bit of a loner in a sense? Maybe. I have found that rather than worry about whether I can trust others, I focus more on being a trustworthy person myself. It seems to always circle back around to knowing that sometimes the best you can do is keep focusing on yourself and working on yourself. You'll not go wrong with that.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: London, UK
Posts: 53
Thank you all for your wise and kind words, they bring so much comfort. This forum has helped me so much to cope with my situation.
I know I must work on myself before I go out there again, and I have learned from all this that in future I must always trust my gut instincts, and also establish boundaries.
I have ordered 'Co-dependant no More', 'Boundaries and Relationships', and 'Emotional Manipulation'! I have been reading so much and learning, and the links on this site have opened my mind to so many new things. I do feel like I've been on an incredible learning curve. If anything, that's the most positive outcome of this situation. Lessons sometimes come late in life.
I know I must work on myself before I go out there again, and I have learned from all this that in future I must always trust my gut instincts, and also establish boundaries.
I have ordered 'Co-dependant no More', 'Boundaries and Relationships', and 'Emotional Manipulation'! I have been reading so much and learning, and the links on this site have opened my mind to so many new things. I do feel like I've been on an incredible learning curve. If anything, that's the most positive outcome of this situation. Lessons sometimes come late in life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: London, UK
Posts: 53
Originally Posted by lizatola 
Yes, it is possible. 18 months ago I swore I would never trust another man again. I was so broken and I swore off love, sex, intimacy, opening my heart to someone ever again.
Al Anon and working with a therapist helped me to see that I deserve love and I deserve more and that I can learn to risk again by trusting someone else. I am in a great relationship today with a man whom I actually trust implicitly, more so than I ever trusted my XAH. It's weird but I found it easy to trust my bf. The relationship isn't perfect and I've had to work through my own codependency and neediness and I had to really focus on myself and work through MY issues, but I hung in there and stayed with him because I truly knew the problems were within myself; that he was a good man but he was just so dang different from my ex and I couldn't wrap my brain around it.
My new relationship may not work out. My heart may get broken, but I know that after all I've been through, I'll still be OK and that it's OK for me to risk and take a chance at finding love again. It's just that this time I'm keeping my eyes wide open and learning to work on acceptance of both my bf and myself.
Heal yourself first. Make peace with your past and move forward in faith knowing that it will all work out. Hugs to you!
Al Anon and working with a therapist helped me to see that I deserve love and I deserve more and that I can learn to risk again by trusting someone else. I am in a great relationship today with a man whom I actually trust implicitly, more so than I ever trusted my XAH. It's weird but I found it easy to trust my bf. The relationship isn't perfect and I've had to work through my own codependency and neediness and I had to really focus on myself and work through MY issues, but I hung in there and stayed with him because I truly knew the problems were within myself; that he was a good man but he was just so dang different from my ex and I couldn't wrap my brain around it.
My new relationship may not work out. My heart may get broken, but I know that after all I've been through, I'll still be OK and that it's OK for me to risk and take a chance at finding love again. It's just that this time I'm keeping my eyes wide open and learning to work on acceptance of both my bf and myself.
Heal yourself first. Make peace with your past and move forward in faith knowing that it will all work out. Hugs to you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: London, UK
Posts: 53
Originally Posted by teatreeoil007
Sure the ability to trust again comes back.
What has happened to you very recently is still very fresh and in a way you are WISE to be wary of trusting anyone too soon. I mean, who can we really trust at any given time? People let us down from time to time; don't keep their word, etc, whether it's friends, family member or intimate partners.
If you've got a solid foundation of being okay in the relationship with yourself, when it boils down to it, it doesn't matter so much what others do...Does that makes a person a bit of a loner in a sense? Maybe. I have found that rather than worry about whether I can trust others, I focus more on being a trustworthy person myself. It seems to always circle back around to knowing that sometimes the best you can do is keep focusing on yourself and working on yourself. You'll not go wrong with that.
What has happened to you very recently is still very fresh and in a way you are WISE to be wary of trusting anyone too soon. I mean, who can we really trust at any given time? People let us down from time to time; don't keep their word, etc, whether it's friends, family member or intimate partners.
If you've got a solid foundation of being okay in the relationship with yourself, when it boils down to it, it doesn't matter so much what others do...Does that makes a person a bit of a loner in a sense? Maybe. I have found that rather than worry about whether I can trust others, I focus more on being a trustworthy person myself. It seems to always circle back around to knowing that sometimes the best you can do is keep focusing on yourself and working on yourself. You'll not go wrong with that.
Right now I feel like I might be a hermit forever!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: London, UK
Posts: 53
Originally Posted by chicory
Hi chloe,
I'm sorry you are struggling. I can relate. I have deep seated trust issues , as well, from alcoholic parents.
I would suggest that you work on yourself, before getting involved with anyone new. Codependent No More, by Melody Beatty is a wonderful book. It helped me to learn what is healthy in a relationship (I also attended Al-anon meetings).
If you learn how to trust yourself and your choices, it will go a long way toward guiding you into a good , trustworthy relationship.
best of luck to you!
chic
I'm sorry you are struggling. I can relate. I have deep seated trust issues , as well, from alcoholic parents.
I would suggest that you work on yourself, before getting involved with anyone new. Codependent No More, by Melody Beatty is a wonderful book. It helped me to learn what is healthy in a relationship (I also attended Al-anon meetings).
If you learn how to trust yourself and your choices, it will go a long way toward guiding you into a good , trustworthy relationship.
best of luck to you!
chic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: London, UK
Posts: 53
I think the most painful emotion I feel at the moment is shame. I feel totally ashamed that I let this happen, and that I invited this awful man into my life. And when I talk about trust, it's not just trusting someone new but also about having trust and faith in my own instincts in the future. Because I can see now, with hindsight, that I overlooked certain red flags as I was swept along in the current of romance.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
I found this about a year ago and really liked it. And I DO trust again--got out of my marriage and worked on myself and since trusted a good man...who let me down and I questioned whether I could trust him again and decided to leave--but I trusted MYSELF to make the right choice. I believe in trust, people, relationships, and risk. It's what makes life beautiful. Start with yourself and you can't go wrong.
I posted this "house" concept previously in a thread titled "Mistrust". I just liked it. It applies to addiction, but I think in general applies to how we should view trust with anyone over time. I used to trust way too easily. I'm wiser now.
I combined the reading below with Brene Brown's description of trust (an online search will give detail and a free video) that requires ALL components of the following:
Boundaries
Reliability
Accountability
Vault
Integrity
Non-Judgment
Generosity
If someone fails me in any one of these ways, I can just go back in my house and gently close the door.
---------------------
Your trust is like a home. You can sit on the porch and watch the way someone outside behaves, and if you don't like the behavior, you don't have to let him in. You can watch him, you can sit there on the porch and tell him that you're rooting for him and that you hope he gets better, and then you can go inside and close the door. If you're having a good day, you can blow him kisses before you go in. But you don't have to invite him in with you. Your home is secure because you have built clear boundaries around it. Some things are allowed, and others are not. It isn't easy, but it's simple.
Finally, one day you feel comfortable enough to invite him in. And this time, it really is different. You know--and he knows--that the reason you trust yourself enough to say "Come in" is that you also trust yourself enough to say "Get out." Every day you take a leap of faith, choosing to trust him. Being betrayed has provided you with the opportunity to learn how to trust with your eyes open. You will be generous but not stupid.
And then months or years after making the same choice every day and seeing that he is constant in his behavior, you suddenly realize that you have forgotten to make the choice, that you have settled into a position of trust. It is not the blind trust you had before; it is wiser, and more adult. In that way, it is better.
--Anonymous, an East Coast writer, has reestablished a healthy relationship with her formerly drug-addicted partner, whose identity he trusts her to protect
I posted this "house" concept previously in a thread titled "Mistrust". I just liked it. It applies to addiction, but I think in general applies to how we should view trust with anyone over time. I used to trust way too easily. I'm wiser now.
I combined the reading below with Brene Brown's description of trust (an online search will give detail and a free video) that requires ALL components of the following:
Boundaries
Reliability
Accountability
Vault
Integrity
Non-Judgment
Generosity
If someone fails me in any one of these ways, I can just go back in my house and gently close the door.
---------------------
Your trust is like a home. You can sit on the porch and watch the way someone outside behaves, and if you don't like the behavior, you don't have to let him in. You can watch him, you can sit there on the porch and tell him that you're rooting for him and that you hope he gets better, and then you can go inside and close the door. If you're having a good day, you can blow him kisses before you go in. But you don't have to invite him in with you. Your home is secure because you have built clear boundaries around it. Some things are allowed, and others are not. It isn't easy, but it's simple.
Finally, one day you feel comfortable enough to invite him in. And this time, it really is different. You know--and he knows--that the reason you trust yourself enough to say "Come in" is that you also trust yourself enough to say "Get out." Every day you take a leap of faith, choosing to trust him. Being betrayed has provided you with the opportunity to learn how to trust with your eyes open. You will be generous but not stupid.
And then months or years after making the same choice every day and seeing that he is constant in his behavior, you suddenly realize that you have forgotten to make the choice, that you have settled into a position of trust. It is not the blind trust you had before; it is wiser, and more adult. In that way, it is better.
--Anonymous, an East Coast writer, has reestablished a healthy relationship with her formerly drug-addicted partner, whose identity he trusts her to protect
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
I think that trusting people is the only option out there. You have to trust . . . BUT . . . you have to be able to recognize red flags and learn not to ignore them. You have to trust your instincts and not ignore your gut feeling. I did not fail because I trusted and loved. I failed because I ignored and minimized and rationalized obvious issues. I failed because I did not trust myself.
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