I'm new and need a friend!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: ma
Posts: 5
I'm new and need a friend!
Hello all! I'm new here. I have so much to vent about, I don't know where to begin. I clicked on a thread further down and posted this same message because I could relate. Now reading so many more messages I sadly feel I know I'm not alone. In breif I have been married 18yrs 19 come this Tuesday 9/21 (at this moment I don't know how I made it this far and if I'll make it). My husband is an Alcoholic and has developed an addiction with internet porn, porn movies, phone sex you name it's all related to his drinking. Over the last 7yrs he has sunk to a new low each time. It started with an occasional video or magazine, then the internet and lastly the phone sex. The pattern formed as his drinking increased. The credit card bills from the phone sex have been in excessive of over $10,000 (yes 10K) total from various times over the last 2 years. I know what your thinking, I did that! Put blocks on the phone canceled the card you name it. Like getting the drink he will find away to get the porn. I have left him 4 or 5 times over the past 2 years. But somehow I get sucked right back in. He is always sorry he will stop, I know you have all heard it before. He actually was a nice guy once, it just seems like one day I woke up and was married to a complete stranger.
The issue that I am dealing with now happened back in January.
He drank all night passed out a few times but basically got no sleep (something different). I got no sleep. At 10AM the next morning he got his car keys and said he was going to get a porn video, mind you he is completly drunk, staggering about bouncing off walls. I begged and pledded with him not to drive. I could not get the keys away. It usually gets ugly from past attempts. He left and left me no choice I called the police on him. He was picked up and arrested for DUI 2nd offense. His 1st offense was 18yrs ago. He his now (as I am) dealing with the consequences, the fines, the 14 day in house treatment, 2 yrs loss of license, 10 weeks outpatient meetings, then once a month for 2yrs. All of which I pray helps him.
But what has happened now is he is so angry with me, he calls me a traitor and blames me for taking away two years of his life, he can't believe I turned him in. At first he understood he said he knew I had to do it because he could have killed someone or himself.
But lately as the program is about to start every night he turns on me (of course after having a few).
I have told him I do not regret it at all and that I would do it again. Of course this just infuriates him more. I don't think he will ever get over this. My plan right now is to see how he does through the program. He won't be able to drink beacuse they do random breath and urine tests.
I'm hoping something good may come of this and he wakes up and smells the coffee! I'm not setting my hopes to high though.
What kills me is he says I have taken 2 yrs from him. I tell him he has taken much more from me, years and years of mental abuse and even physical.
I am just so tired I don't know if this is worth fighting for anymore?
The issue that I am dealing with now happened back in January.
He drank all night passed out a few times but basically got no sleep (something different). I got no sleep. At 10AM the next morning he got his car keys and said he was going to get a porn video, mind you he is completly drunk, staggering about bouncing off walls. I begged and pledded with him not to drive. I could not get the keys away. It usually gets ugly from past attempts. He left and left me no choice I called the police on him. He was picked up and arrested for DUI 2nd offense. His 1st offense was 18yrs ago. He his now (as I am) dealing with the consequences, the fines, the 14 day in house treatment, 2 yrs loss of license, 10 weeks outpatient meetings, then once a month for 2yrs. All of which I pray helps him.
But what has happened now is he is so angry with me, he calls me a traitor and blames me for taking away two years of his life, he can't believe I turned him in. At first he understood he said he knew I had to do it because he could have killed someone or himself.
But lately as the program is about to start every night he turns on me (of course after having a few).
I have told him I do not regret it at all and that I would do it again. Of course this just infuriates him more. I don't think he will ever get over this. My plan right now is to see how he does through the program. He won't be able to drink beacuse they do random breath and urine tests.
I'm hoping something good may come of this and he wakes up and smells the coffee! I'm not setting my hopes to high though.
What kills me is he says I have taken 2 yrs from him. I tell him he has taken much more from me, years and years of mental abuse and even physical.
I am just so tired I don't know if this is worth fighting for anymore?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: A very sad place
Posts: 115
Welcome. There are people here who will listen. I can't give you any advice because I am still trying to figure things out for myself but just want you to know that you are not alone.
My AH and I have been married for 25 years. The greatest part of that time he has had a drinking problem. I dealt with the mental, emotional and sometimes physical abuse also. Many times I had no idea why I kept trying. My AH is very lucking and has never gotten caught driving drunk although he does it all the time. I actually have found myself wishing he would get caught and then realized that it would not do any good. He would probably still drink and blame me for everything including him getting caught.
Just know that you are not alone.
Hugs
Kat
My AH and I have been married for 25 years. The greatest part of that time he has had a drinking problem. I dealt with the mental, emotional and sometimes physical abuse also. Many times I had no idea why I kept trying. My AH is very lucking and has never gotten caught driving drunk although he does it all the time. I actually have found myself wishing he would get caught and then realized that it would not do any good. He would probably still drink and blame me for everything including him getting caught.
Just know that you are not alone.
Hugs
Kat
{tap}{tap}...Is this thing on?
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Getting There
Posts: 276
Losenit,
Welcome and I'm glad that you found us. There are lots of great threads/power posts to be found. This is a reminder that I received a few weeks back that I hope will offer some temporary relief:
Paying for freedom
Henry David Thoreau said, "The cost of a thing is the amount of what I will call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run." The price we paid for living with codependence, was our freedom. We finally realized that it costs too much to feel oblivious. The price became so high that we could no longer barter for our time and freedom. It had absolute control.
Unless we wake up and pay the price for freedom -- which is spiritual growth -- we will be a slave to codependence until death. But if we turn our lives over to God, all the liberty we need is made available to us.
Am I paying the right price for my freedom?
Higher Power, help me always to remember that the cost of codependence in my life is much too high.
From the book: Day by Day - Second Edition by Anonymous
Welcome and I'm glad that you found us. There are lots of great threads/power posts to be found. This is a reminder that I received a few weeks back that I hope will offer some temporary relief:
Paying for freedom
Henry David Thoreau said, "The cost of a thing is the amount of what I will call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run." The price we paid for living with codependence, was our freedom. We finally realized that it costs too much to feel oblivious. The price became so high that we could no longer barter for our time and freedom. It had absolute control.
Unless we wake up and pay the price for freedom -- which is spiritual growth -- we will be a slave to codependence until death. But if we turn our lives over to God, all the liberty we need is made available to us.
Am I paying the right price for my freedom?
Higher Power, help me always to remember that the cost of codependence in my life is much too high.
From the book: Day by Day - Second Edition by Anonymous
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 29
Hi Losenit, this is a great place to come. Just so you know, my AH's 2nd DUI actually worked out for the best. The counselling really made him think. He was OK for quite a while, maybe yours will be too. We get very tired, don't we? Just completely worn out. I sure don't know if it's worth it or not, still trying to figure that out myself. I would like to point out that it hardly seems your fault, for him driving drunk. You know, you might have saved someone's life, so I really admire your courage to call the police. I don't think I would be that strong. So, good job!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: somewhere safe
Posts: 103
Hi Losenit, I am so grateful to have found this site and know that you will be too. When I am upset or confused, I just start reading. I read the current threads and the archives too. It really helps to be part of a community dealing with the same issues and get the advice and support of so many.
In the red, watery eyes of our As, everything is our fault. Its part of the addiction. Its hard not to take it personally when they use your name, but it really isn't. It isn't about you at all. You did the right thing. I am thankful that you stopped a drunk driver who might have swerved and killed my daughter, my son, my sister or my mother.
You are not alone. You are one of us working your way through a life-changing experience. Seize the moment and make it yours.
In the red, watery eyes of our As, everything is our fault. Its part of the addiction. Its hard not to take it personally when they use your name, but it really isn't. It isn't about you at all. You did the right thing. I am thankful that you stopped a drunk driver who might have swerved and killed my daughter, my son, my sister or my mother.
You are not alone. You are one of us working your way through a life-changing experience. Seize the moment and make it yours.
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hi Losenit,
Welcome. I focussed most of my life on trying to "fix" people. In the process, I lost myself. I had no self worth, self esteem, or self caring. Reaching out can begin a process of healing. We get so lost we can't see a way out. When I reached the end of my rope, I had to let go and let God. I was led to the Al-Anon program, these forums, and counselling. It is a slow process, healing always is. There is no quick fix for the pain, fear, and frustration we feel.
But as we reach out, and become willing to try something different, we can find serenity and peace in our life. Realizing that we can't "fix" the people in our life is the first step to fixing ourselves. I am glad that you joined us. I hope that you can find the help that I have found here. Hugs, Magic
Welcome. I focussed most of my life on trying to "fix" people. In the process, I lost myself. I had no self worth, self esteem, or self caring. Reaching out can begin a process of healing. We get so lost we can't see a way out. When I reached the end of my rope, I had to let go and let God. I was led to the Al-Anon program, these forums, and counselling. It is a slow process, healing always is. There is no quick fix for the pain, fear, and frustration we feel.
But as we reach out, and become willing to try something different, we can find serenity and peace in our life. Realizing that we can't "fix" the people in our life is the first step to fixing ourselves. I am glad that you joined us. I hope that you can find the help that I have found here. Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Losenit -
Congratulations on having the courage to make that phone call. Since you were strong enough to do that, than I would be willing to bet that you will be strong enough to do what is right for you. In the program with the random testing, if they suspect that he hasn't quit drinking, they probably will test him. If he fails, he could go back to jail. Sometimes jail is where they need to be. I have a feeling that maybe that is where you feel that you have been living for a long time.
I finally left my AH and although it wasn't easy, it was what was best for me. I had to stop worrying about what would happen to him and start a new life for myself. Only you can decide what is best for you. Hope you find the answer you are looking for. Trust your instincts.
Hugs, Jo
Congratulations on having the courage to make that phone call. Since you were strong enough to do that, than I would be willing to bet that you will be strong enough to do what is right for you. In the program with the random testing, if they suspect that he hasn't quit drinking, they probably will test him. If he fails, he could go back to jail. Sometimes jail is where they need to be. I have a feeling that maybe that is where you feel that you have been living for a long time.
I finally left my AH and although it wasn't easy, it was what was best for me. I had to stop worrying about what would happen to him and start a new life for myself. Only you can decide what is best for you. Hope you find the answer you are looking for. Trust your instincts.
Hugs, Jo
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Hi Losenit. I'm Laurie and I'm a DOUBLE Winner. I have been sober and clean for over 23 years and I have been a member of Alanon for over 15 years. I joined alanon when I WAS still married to my "sober" AH who CHOSE to go back to practicing his disease.
I hope you understand. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You must do what you must do FOR YOU.
My alcoholic side can tell you that when I was LIVING my disease, I was willing to go to any lengths to get what I wanted, and what I wanted was my alcohol. I would lie to you. I would con you, I would gult trip you. I would do ANYTHING.
Sounds like that is what your AH is doing. Alanon can be a great way to work on you, so you can learn how to react DIFFERENTLY to him, and he will no longer be able to PUSH YOUR BUTTONS.
I might also suggest that you become a broken record and every time he starts this your reply could be "it's your problem not mine, it's your problem not mine" over and over and over lol. No other reply just that, If nothing else it will probably, once it gets thru the fog in his brain, make him regroup to try and figure out a different way to get what he wants.
Losenit you are very strong to have lasted this long. I will add you to my prayers that you may find some peace and serenity in your life. Please use alanon, it can be a tremendous help!!!!!!
Love and (((((to all))))),
I hope you understand. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You must do what you must do FOR YOU.
My alcoholic side can tell you that when I was LIVING my disease, I was willing to go to any lengths to get what I wanted, and what I wanted was my alcohol. I would lie to you. I would con you, I would gult trip you. I would do ANYTHING.
Sounds like that is what your AH is doing. Alanon can be a great way to work on you, so you can learn how to react DIFFERENTLY to him, and he will no longer be able to PUSH YOUR BUTTONS.
I might also suggest that you become a broken record and every time he starts this your reply could be "it's your problem not mine, it's your problem not mine" over and over and over lol. No other reply just that, If nothing else it will probably, once it gets thru the fog in his brain, make him regroup to try and figure out a different way to get what he wants.
Losenit you are very strong to have lasted this long. I will add you to my prayers that you may find some peace and serenity in your life. Please use alanon, it can be a tremendous help!!!!!!
Love and (((((to all))))),
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