hurting after phone call
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 254
hurting after phone call
So this morning was the first sober phone call received since A left a month ago. He sounded good. Called to discuss money (ie trying to transfer some to me..yay). He admitted he lost his job. He asked if I still wanted to do this. I said "Well if you aren't going to counseling...." (one of my stipulations). And he said "now I know why I left." And then I felt bad. So we exchanged a few more logistics. Then hung up and cried. I know I'm clinging to an ideal that didn't exist. But it's still hard. 
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 215
He WANTS to come back without stopping the drinking. QUACK!!!!!!!!!
He is classically laying this on you so he won't have to deal with his demons. This is not your fault. He made the choices he made and is responsible for them, not you. Hugs. So hard to go through this stuff. You are doing great and should be proud of yourself for your strength.
He is classically laying this on you so he won't have to deal with his demons. This is not your fault. He made the choices he made and is responsible for them, not you. Hugs. So hard to go through this stuff. You are doing great and should be proud of yourself for your strength.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
HH, i think you know it would take a LOT more than just some counseling to FIX things......same as hitting the gym a few times is going to resolve a weight issue. of course you would like to see ANY type of action on his part, but be careful with those expectations and glimmers of hope......
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
I wonder how long it's been since he's had a drink? It might be more accurate to describe him as "hungover" or "white knuckling for the morning" or "dried out for a few days between binges" than "sober." Keep on keeping on HH, you have come a LONG way!
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Yeah, it's a quack. It takes way more than one "sober" phone call.
When I was three, I wanted a sister or a brother so bad.
So I ask my mom, "Can you give birth to a baby brother or sister?"
Mom says, "If you are good, I will."
I go to my room and come back after 15 minutes, "Mom, I was good. Can you give birth now?"
It is the same toddler mentality you are dealing with. They just do not see one decent phone conversation is not enough.
When I was three, I wanted a sister or a brother so bad.
So I ask my mom, "Can you give birth to a baby brother or sister?"
Mom says, "If you are good, I will."
I go to my room and come back after 15 minutes, "Mom, I was good. Can you give birth now?"
It is the same toddler mentality you are dealing with. They just do not see one decent phone conversation is not enough.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
HH, I remember back in the summer of 2013, when XAH was still fervently faking the recovery thing, he turned to me in the car one day and asked me "so when are things going to go back to normal? Like, we still aren't having sex. You haven't changed, so what is the point in my getting sober?" I said "hey, it's been years and years of your drinking and lying, it's going to take more than a couple of weeks for things to get straightened out between us. You don't get to put a timetable on my recovery."
Well, a few weeks later, I found out that he was still drinking, had never stayed dry for even a few consecutive days, let alone full-fledged early recovery. And I was beginning to have read enough here to realize that the things he'd said should have made it clear to me that he was nowhere near recovery.
We live and learn. And I'd say no, your A is nowhere near recovery either. It's hard, I know. Keep on taking one step at a time. Time will heal things, but time takes time. (And know I'm saying that as much to myself as to you, HH.)
Hugs.
Well, a few weeks later, I found out that he was still drinking, had never stayed dry for even a few consecutive days, let alone full-fledged early recovery. And I was beginning to have read enough here to realize that the things he'd said should have made it clear to me that he was nowhere near recovery.
We live and learn. And I'd say no, your A is nowhere near recovery either. It's hard, I know. Keep on taking one step at a time. Time will heal things, but time takes time. (And know I'm saying that as much to myself as to you, HH.)
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
I don't know if this will help but I'll share something - my exAH got sober for a year and then relapsed. I'm so glad I didn't trust his "recovery"....saved me a lot of heartache and disappointment. A little distance adds a lot of perspective or it did for me......even if they do recover....one drink and all that recovery is gone in a second. And for me that is not a life I want to live.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 254
Aeryn and TTH.... thank you. Been following both of your stories and I relate so much! Aeryn, I had my baby with A (trusted his year sober.. oops). Now I want a second some day (not with him!!).
TTH... we're at the same stage. Big hugs and a high five for courage.
TTH... we're at the same stage. Big hugs and a high five for courage.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It is hard. When you want them to change so badly and they won't...it's hard, frustrating, horrible, the list goes on.
But....it still is. So, you just keep moving forward, one step at a time. The pain lessens over time, and you figure out your own life's ups and downs. You learn to live again.
Many hugs.
But....it still is. So, you just keep moving forward, one step at a time. The pain lessens over time, and you figure out your own life's ups and downs. You learn to live again.
Many hugs.
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