Auriana

My AH and I have been married for a couple of years. He's been an A for almost our entire marriage (I didn't know before we got married - it came out a few months after the wedding). He's now sobering up. I've been through the gammit like most of you and I am now working on not being a codie. I love my AH being sober and I love him...but now I am starting to wonder if too much damage has been done in our relationship for it to be salvaged.

We learned how to treat eachother and communicate with eachother during the throws of his drinking...suffice it to say, we don't communicate well and, while the respect has gotten better, it's definitely not where it should be. How do we work on this?

I feel so selfish for wanting more from my A now that he is sober. For our entire marriage, I have put myself second to his problems. I took care of him and did all the things codies do. When I finally realized how I was feeding into his problem, I stopped...ironically, it was around the same time he decided on his own to get sober. Now that I've changed the focus from my AH to me, I've realized that I have emotional needs that I want met. Right now my AH is not capable of meeting them (he's too consumed with his recovery to think about anything else). Am I being selfish? Am I wanting too much? Should I talk to him about this? If so, how - regardless of how I approach him, I am sure that he will probably say (1) he can never do enough; (2) he can never do anything right; and/or (3) everything is always about me. He says these things to me every time we fight.

I don't know what to do. I am truly dazed and confused. Can someone please give me some advice? I've read that most marriages don't survive the first year of recovery. After everything we've been through, can it get any worse?

cwohio

i have not been there yet so i can't give advice. maybe a couples counseling would do you good or if he is consumed in recovery, maybe you could go yourself? just a thought.

good luck and hugs - cwohio

Gabe

You said it yourself. You're asking him for what he can't give you.
That is not an easy place to be with someone you love.
This is the way things are now.
This is not the way things are always going to be.
While his focus is on him and his recovery, put your focus on you and your recovery.
As time goes by, I'm sure you two will find some mutal ground that you can share and then you can build on that.

toughlove

my girlfriend, although she didnt give up drinking completely she has stopped getting ********* every night and taking it out on me. Im not getting the emotional attachment i need from her right now either. I want to feel respected, appreciated, loved, important to her, and i want the affection she used to show me all the time. I now know im not going to get it all the time and only when she feels like giving it. I decided that i cant worry about her anymore and i have to worry about how i feel myself, i need to live for myself. I was a bodybuilder for the past 6 years and i quit going to the gym because i was always with my girlfriend spending time with her. my confidence left me and i got lazy and dependent on her, like i needed her there all the time and i had to show her how much i loved her all the time. Well if she loves me she will be there if not she wont, but im detaching myself from her and standing up for myself now. You can only be let down and disappointed so many times before you have to let it go and move on and pay attention to yourself.
I see something happening slowly but surely though and maybe it will for you too. If you change yourself and start treating yourself better and not worrying about your alcoholic. they have no choice but to to change, if you leave them to fend for themselves. It obvious you cant change them you can only change yourself. So if they dont come around and they continue down the same path they are on, you will know that you gave them every chance to get their **** together but they dont see things the way you do now. It will be much easier to leave the situation then to stay and blame yourself for the way you feel. Theres decent people out there that dont drink or that drink and they can control it, that you can meet and find someone that looks at life the way you do. You can only take so much drama before it gets old. Not only will you lose all the respect for yourself so will everyone else becasue you are allowing the situation to continue.

I must admit what im saying is easier said than done when you are truly in love with someone, but the worse it gets the worse you will feel if you dont start loving yourself again and treating yourself with respect. Im realizing this even as i type this out, i love my girlfriend and dont want to lose her but how much can you take.
Like you i want to walk around with my head held up high again and be who i really am again, not dependent on a drunk and trying to please them.
One other thing the sex life with a drunk is so sporadic too, because of the mood swings one minute they act like they want it and then 10 minutes later they dont. who wants to get all worked up and expect something to happen only to have it taken away from you. Then you go to bed hurt and you cant sleep because you are so upset.
Well sorry i was trying to give you advice cuz i felt the same about what you were going through and i rattled on too much about me, im really sorry for that. I just hope some of it made some sense to you.

Thanks

Alexia

I am also there Auriana. My AH is 8 weeks sober. Yeah! he doesnt drink. But there's no affection, attention or even plain old happiness. He's a "miserable with life" dry drunk. I also feel let down. How long will this last? Some say a year, or forever unless he makes up his mind to get a new life.
I was doing so good taking care of myself until he moved back in when he quit drinking. I'm not getting anything back from this relationship after I've done nothing but give.
Time to get back to me, and time for you to get back to you. It's hard, but there's nothing we can do for them, we can only do for ourselves. If they make it, they make it. If we've had enough, we've had enough. I'm sure we will know if that time comes.
THanks for your post, you woke me up. I've been sitting here for the last four weeks waiting for life to change. It's not going to unless I get back to doing it for myself.
Good luck and hang in there!

Magichappens

Just because they begin recovering, doesn't mean they get well. Not drinking is only the first step to getting better. They still have all the garbage they have been avoiding for so long. Al-Anon has helped me to recognize when they are in that mode. It helps me to not take it personally. Detachment is a wonderful tool, both for drunks and drunks who are getting sober. They have to struggle to find their own way. With the tools of Al-Anon, I can let them.

Today I don't get caught up in the struggle. I can step back. For years I leaned on Mr Magic for all my emotional support. When he stumbled, I was disappointed, scared, and angry. That is a big burden to place on someone. Al-Anon has given me the ability to meet my emotional needs from many people. Mr Magic can give me some things, but there are times when he isn't capable of giving. No amount of pleading, or manipulating can get blood from a turnip. Al-Anon offers me a way to lean on others when I need to.

What does it say about me that I can't let someone else be weak or struggle. I don't have to be superwoman, but I can get help in ways that allow others to be human. Love isn't about demanding that all my needs get met. Love is about allowing someone to be who they are, and give what they can. Reaching out for help and focussing on my own recovery has allowed me to do this. Hugs, Magic

smilo

Auriana,
your words made me cry - they could be my own. I'm so sorry to hear your pain but it does help (me, and hopefully you) to know there are others in the same situation.
I thought that when my AH got sober, he would become the perfect man/husband/father. I thought he would kiss my feet for all the work I did to keep the house running, the child healthy, the money coming in... and I even thought he would be grateful to me for "getting him" sober. Wow was I wrong.
He's been sober for 6 months, and we're miserable. We are both resentful and lonely. We're afraid to voice our needs for fear of hurting the other, we're walking on eggshells. I feel selfish like you do, but for a recovering codie, being selfish - to a degree - is not necessarily a bad thing!

I decided to give it a year before thinking about leaving. It is a way for me to focus on today, instead of every day thinking, "how long can I take this?" And in the meantime,
1. Al-Anon helps me by reminding me how to mind my own behavior.
2. My therapist gives me validation and a safe place to curse at my husband.
3. Couples counseling "forces" us to talk honestly with each other at least once a week. We've started fighting a lot, but truly it's better than the silence. The resentments have to be worked through before it can get better.

And just another thought - my AH says the exact same things yours does when we fight. (1) he can never do enough; (2) he can never do anything right; and/or (3) everything is always about me. It's not fair; it's a form of manipulation. There's no way to answer that doesn't either deny your needs or validate his self-pity. Yes you should talk to him about your needs. But don't play the game - don't react emotionally, do hold your ground.

It's so hard. I wish you so much luck and patience and strength. Try to find happiness in other areas of your life. Spend time with friends, take a class, go to the gym, go on a bike ride.
And now I'm off to try to take my own advice.
xoxo
smilo

Auriana

Thank you all for your advice - I will do my best to follow it. I am looking into taking a class and I am trying to figure out what I am going to do this weekend for me. For all of those who read their own pain in my words, stay encouraged. I went to alanon last night and that definitely helped (although the meeting was boring, fellowship afterwards really helped me get focused).