DesertEyes

Yeah, me too, and I was _not_ being abused in any way. I was not in any kind of fear, not at all, and _still_ I did things to "keep the marriage together" that were totally not who I am.

Have you looked into "Stockholm syndrome"? It's what happens to people who survive physical danger at the hands of another. The classic example is hostages in a criminal act, but it applies to survivors of spousal abuse, tortured prisoners, and so on.

The central question about recovery from Stockholm Syndrome is whether the things you did that cause you share are things that you would _normally_ do if you had _never_ been forced to go into survival mode.

If your answer is "yes", that those things you did are what you always do in your life, then _perhaps_ shame is apropriate. However, if you did those things in order to survive then the shame belongs to the criminal, not to you.

It's a tough question, and very difficult to answer all on it's own. Just like al-anon is a huge help for peeps dealing with addiction in a loved one there are groups and therapists who specialize in healing from abuse and the fear that surrounds it. Note that "abuse", as defined by these other support groups, is _not_ about violence. As has been discussed in many threads here on SR abuse is about how the criminal forces you to _feel_. If you feel degraded, humiliated, shamed, helpless, then it is abuse.

Note that being forced to feel ashamed _is_ a form of abuse.

Am I making sense with all this? It's hard to explain over the web.

Mike
Moderator, SR

Liveitwell

Yes, you are making sense, mike. Thanks for your words. My therapist has mentioned Stockholm syndrome many times. I feel that is absolutely a good characterization after being torn down and told nobody else would love me and that I should be grateful he put up with me-therefore I discounted all the abuse bc I thought it was my fault. I do see things clearly now-and started to back then. It was and is abuse. Whether he agrees or not. My picker was surely off, and as RO said, I chose the wrong man for my husband and father to my kids. Just plain wrong!! Thanks y'all