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Advice re: phone calls

Old 02-01-2016, 05:03 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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We went through a similar situation with AXH. I'd given him our daily routine with times (up, breakfast, school, home, dinner, bath, bed); he started calling repeatedly during the work/school day. It was fairly easy to shut down since we were still going through the divorce and custody hearings and he couldn't really tell the judge that calling my cell phone while DS was at school meant he was calling DS. However, he then switched to calling several hours after DS's bedtime and got incredibly mean when I refused to wake DS up. I ended up having to tell him by e-mail that DS will be available for calls from x to y pm on *these* days. I don't know if it would have worked in the long run or not, because shortly after setting that, he lost all visitation rights. (It sure did/does feel nice giving myself permission to ignore any phone calls, though.) And, I don't know if it would work in your case, but your lives are separate now, and your evenings shouldn't have to be held hostage by his incessant calls.

Forourgirls and WTBH, and any one else dealing with similar stuff, I just wanted to let you know that you'll get through this and it will change, and it most likely won't last nearly as long as you fear it will. I didn't believe AXH would ever leave me alone; I thought I'd be dealing with him, if not daily, at least weekly ForEver until DS got much, much older. It lasted a few years, which I know is a long time when you're in the middle of it, but not the 12 years I was sure it would. There's hope. And you get stronger the longer you're away from him, so if, by odd chance, _he_ doesn't change, _you_ do. You get stronger and and find new tools to use to able to deal with him without getting caught in the spiral of crazy. Hang in there.
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Old 02-01-2016, 05:16 PM
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Thanks for your words, TU.
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Old 02-02-2016, 05:55 AM
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Thank you all so much-- especially those of you who've been through this and really get it and have shared those much needed words of encouragement that it won't be like this always... thank you!
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Old 02-02-2016, 02:46 PM
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Just want to throw my thoughts in too--it did get better for me too about 1-2 years after divorce. My kids were older (11and 13), so I got them their own phones and he was directed to communicate directly with them. They've each gone through phases of ignoring his calls and texts or being "busy", and I initially got bombarded with accusations--but ignored them and told him he could always come talk to the boys if he had an issue with their communication. He never did.

It was a crazy, stressful time, and I feel for you!

I was actually pretty proud of my boys in that, after being a jerk, then a baby, then a jerk...they held their boundaries, and 3 years later they seem to have reasonable communication on their terms.

If you don't engage in the crazy, they do sometimes get bored and go find other crazy. The downside is that they'll almost always come back to their kids if they get bored. (No, not to be a great dad or anything like that--to get a "fix".)

Our children will be amazingly strong people!
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Old 02-02-2016, 04:08 PM
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Praying-you hit the nail on the head. If you remember you and the kids are just there to serve a fix, then you'll be just fine. My ex reached out many times with drunk messages over the last year-most likely when he was done with another flavor of the week. It is what it is/and these guys can't do anything on a consistent basis. Period. Just let him be, but stick firm to your boundaries and don't engage with crazy. He's full of hot air.
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