considering leaving my alcoholic spouse
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Hartford
Posts: 4
considering leaving my alcoholic spouse
Hi,
My wife relapsed after 25 years three years ago. We've been married 34 years w/3 beautiful daughters. She's been to rehab twice in the 3 years since her relapse and started drinking again within a week or two after rehab.
Currently, she's drinking nightly, my oldest daughter will not allow her to be around the 2 grandkids.....my life with her is a mess and I'm about to look for a place to move out to preserve my sanity.
BUT, my wife does not have alot of support (family, friends) outside of me. I'm afraid she might do something if I make the move (hurt herself/suicide, drive drunk, burn the house down) and I don't think I could live with myself if something did happen - yet I'm MISERABLE living with her. This is my dilema and I'm wondering if there are others in a similar situation that might give some advice.
thanks!
Jeff
My wife relapsed after 25 years three years ago. We've been married 34 years w/3 beautiful daughters. She's been to rehab twice in the 3 years since her relapse and started drinking again within a week or two after rehab.
Currently, she's drinking nightly, my oldest daughter will not allow her to be around the 2 grandkids.....my life with her is a mess and I'm about to look for a place to move out to preserve my sanity.
BUT, my wife does not have alot of support (family, friends) outside of me. I'm afraid she might do something if I make the move (hurt herself/suicide, drive drunk, burn the house down) and I don't think I could live with myself if something did happen - yet I'm MISERABLE living with her. This is my dilema and I'm wondering if there are others in a similar situation that might give some advice.
thanks!
Jeff
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
Take care of you jmather--you sound at the end of your rope.
She is responsible for her own decisions, and you can't control what she does.
I'm so sorry you are going through this, but it sounds as though
you have really tried to be supportive for a long time.
Sometimes leaving is the thing that finally wakes them up.
Don't count on it, but it is possible your leaving could have a positive impact
in the long term and not a negative one.
Meanwhile, please get the support you need
She is responsible for her own decisions, and you can't control what she does.
I'm so sorry you are going through this, but it sounds as though
you have really tried to be supportive for a long time.
Sometimes leaving is the thing that finally wakes them up.
Don't count on it, but it is possible your leaving could have a positive impact
in the long term and not a negative one.
Meanwhile, please get the support you need
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Welcome. I tried to be supportive too but my support of my then husband was trashed by him-and he chose, as I knew he would, to continue drinking with all his enablers-bc that's what he truly wants. If he kills himself in a drunk driving wreck that has nothing to do with me-and everything to do with him and the people that continue to enable him and keep him sick. You are at the same place-it does not sound like a good place for you-in fact it sounds miserable....she can help herself-or choose not to. But what do you want? Coming from a Christian view, God did not design marriage for three parties-any addiction is a third party...
What would you like for YOU?
What would you like for YOU?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
No one here can guarantee that nothing bad will happen to your wife if you go.
But consider that neither can anyone guarantee that nothing bad will happen to your wife if you stay.
The only guarantee is that staying, hoping she will change but not being willing to change yourself will result in things staying exactly as they are now, and most likely getting worse.
Have you been to Al-Anon?
But consider that neither can anyone guarantee that nothing bad will happen to your wife if you stay.
The only guarantee is that staying, hoping she will change but not being willing to change yourself will result in things staying exactly as they are now, and most likely getting worse.
Have you been to Al-Anon?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Laurelton
Posts: 178
jmather, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. 25 years of sobriety is an amazing feat! To see that just all go to shreds must be a horrible feeling for you both. I've been with my AH for 8 years (married for almost 4) and the longest sobriety stretch he's had was 1 year. After spending so many years with a person I can't imagine what you must feel like contemplating leaving, I can only tell you MY story.
I filed for divorce last year, this relationship has been the toughest thing I've even had to endure in my life. Although everyone's situation and circumstances are different the one thing that remains common is that we must put ourselves first. We must also act for those who cannot make decisions for themselves, such as children.
It is natural for us (the loved one or codie) to feel obligated to help them, guilty if something happens, or even serve as the "fixer". It took me a very long time to understand that the A alone is responsible for their own actions. Many times I would tell AH not to come to my house drunk otherwise he would have to leave (I left and we were living separately). When he did show up I would let him stay because I didn't want to send him back driving that way, if something were to happen I would feel like it were partly my fault. Not to mention his mother would do a great job at making me feel bad for even thinking about letting him get back behind the wheel, but it would continually happen unless I put my foot down. It was far too stressful for me to keep taking him into my parent's home with my children to witness his state. This occurred many times until I sent him home, twice. I had to tell myself that he is an adult and has to suffer consequences for his actions, not ME suffer the consequences for HIS actions.
I say that just to say don't be afraid to put you first, whatever that means.....you can detach but with love!
I filed for divorce last year, this relationship has been the toughest thing I've even had to endure in my life. Although everyone's situation and circumstances are different the one thing that remains common is that we must put ourselves first. We must also act for those who cannot make decisions for themselves, such as children.
It is natural for us (the loved one or codie) to feel obligated to help them, guilty if something happens, or even serve as the "fixer". It took me a very long time to understand that the A alone is responsible for their own actions. Many times I would tell AH not to come to my house drunk otherwise he would have to leave (I left and we were living separately). When he did show up I would let him stay because I didn't want to send him back driving that way, if something were to happen I would feel like it were partly my fault. Not to mention his mother would do a great job at making me feel bad for even thinking about letting him get back behind the wheel, but it would continually happen unless I put my foot down. It was far too stressful for me to keep taking him into my parent's home with my children to witness his state. This occurred many times until I sent him home, twice. I had to tell myself that he is an adult and has to suffer consequences for his actions, not ME suffer the consequences for HIS actions.
I say that just to say don't be afraid to put you first, whatever that means.....you can detach but with love!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Jeff, I second the suggestion of Al-Anon. I also suggest you talk with a lawyer about your options--maybe a legal separation would be possible. I agree with the others that you need to take care of yourself at this time. Al-Anon can help you with strategies like detaching and setting good boundaries that might make you less miserable until you've decided what to do.
Nobody should be hostage to someone else's behavior. SparkleKitty's correct that you can't guarantee her physical well-being by staying with her--that's an illusion.
The bottom line is that you don't have to decide anything final this minute. Get stronger, get some legal information, and eventually things will become clearer.
Nobody should be hostage to someone else's behavior. SparkleKitty's correct that you can't guarantee her physical well-being by staying with her--that's an illusion.
The bottom line is that you don't have to decide anything final this minute. Get stronger, get some legal information, and eventually things will become clearer.
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