tigerlily1

I am still here on the boards but mostly just reading and trying to learn. Just needing to vent. AH just went about 10 days with out drinking. This is unusual for him. However, it was many days of laying on the couch because of course he does not feel well. Lots of moaning about my stomach hurts headache etc. Then the irritability and grumpiness. I told myself maybe just maybe he has finally decided to make an effort. There was no AA counselling or seeking of help. Just self withdrawl. Yesterday the drinking begins again. We are on day two of what's looking to be a good long binge. My thought is were those days of going through withdrawl even worth it?? If you are going to go through all that why just give up so easily?? I I knew it was not genuine but at the same time just a small part hopes maybe this is the time. Thanks for listening to my vent. Thanks to all who continue to share regularly. I appreciate all the sharing and the wisdom.

happybeingme

No they weren't. Brief breaks from drinking do nothing more than increase the risk of death from withdrawal. Ten days barely got him past the most dangerous part of withdrawal.

As you said yourself nothing really changed at all. So, why bother? Sometimes someone will do these little quits before doing it permanently but everyone I know personally weren't successful until they said to themselves " that is it I am done." That is also how it was for me.

Did he say he was quitting because he wanted to be sober? Was this a real attempt? Or did you two have some argument and he said he would try to quit to make you happy?

LexieCat

Sometimes it is, as happy said, a "dry run" (pun intended). Some folks decide that that's how they'll FEEL sober, so they give up. Or, as lousy as they feel, they conclude they could if they WANTED to, they just don't want to--thereby using as another tool for denial. Or they think they can undo damage from drinking by taking a short "break."

Hard to say where your alcoholic's head is at.

dandylion

tigerlily.....I think that the alcoholic lives in great inner fear.......
The thought of never...ever....being able to drink, ever again.....feels like taking water away to a fish.....It is their main tool of dealing with their feelings.
Besides.....the idea of AA has a horrible stigma to many people.....it feels like a social stigma and a label, and a judgement.....
So.....they may feel like---"I can do it myself" "I am strong enough--I don't need any help"
I also, think that LesieCats's insights come into focus here, also........

I don't think most alcoholics....or lots of other people, realize that just putting down the bottle is the first step.....that the inside changes that come from working the steps and making changes in their thinking and atitudes are necessary for long term genuine sobriety.
Sobriety is an inside job.
AA is the largest self-help group in the world that nobody wanted to belong to!

If you go the the site on this forum for the alsoholics that are struggling or are in recovery......you can see the struggles......(You might want to read some, there). To decide commit to a program of recovery often comes after a long struggle of battling the disease on their own......
They may be willing to reach for help when the misery that they are living in gets so bad that sobriety actually looks good......
When that comes is different for each individual....

You must be getting tired......

dandylion

Liveitwell

My then husband has had brief periods of sobriety...brief. Then he would go back to hiding it and trying to control it. The monster always came back out. By definition sonething you have to try and control is already out of control. Peace to you-keep reading, learning and focusing on YOU.

tigerlily1

Thanks everyone for your responses. There was no fight before this period of sobriety. No discussion nothing. Just one day he stopped. We never discussed it at all during the whole time he was sober. For me it's almost like your scared to say anything for fear they start drinking again. So it was the elephant in the room we never discussed. Now he is back to drinking like it never happened. It just seems like such a waste of effort. However must remember it's not my issue!! I will continue to try to keep my focus on working on me.

dandylion

tigerlily.......yes, his recovery is up to him (so, it is not your issue--true).
And.....you seem to be doing a good job of detaching from his drinking......

However, don't forget that what behaviors and what you are willing to live with ARE your issue!
Detachment is a tool....and a good tool. It can keep you from engaging in stupid, pointless arguments....and keep you from spinning your wheels trying to control his drinking.....and, buy you a modicum of space to work on yourself....
But....it won't keep him from drinking (of course).....and it won't fix a messed up relationship.
It is just one tool....

You can't build a whole house with a hammer.......

dandylion

tigerlily1

Thanks Dandy! I totally agree re detachment just being to buy me some time. I know that this situation is not sustainable long term. My son is at home for one more year to save money for College. So come spring either AH will be working on sobriety or I will be working on moving. My AH is aware of this. It makes me so very sad. We have been together for 15 and a half years!! However with my MS and even without this is no way to live!! I love reading the stories on here of those who have reached the other side and have their lives back with peace! PEACE is my dream!