Faith and fear, an update :)
Dancing To My Own Beat
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Faith and fear, an update :)
Well, an update from me. Last I posted, Mr Magic was in pretty bad shape, and in a lot of denial. I was using the tools of the Al-Anon program to detach with love and not go crazy ( at least on the outside.) It was not an easy time. I was heartbroke to watch the man that I love, the man who had been sober for 16 years from alcohol, get sucked down by addiction to narcotics, pain pills.
I don't think I have ever prayed like that. I mean, I don't think I've ever decided to trust that what seems bad to me might be part of The Big Guy's plan. I never thought there was any right and wrong but my right or wrong (I hope that makes sense.) Anyway, I was really able to Let Go and Let God.
I'm not sure what happened, but something did. I don't know if my talk with him about what I saw, and then my letting him know that it was his decision to do something if he saw fit had anything to do with it. That was months ago. I know that it helped me to express my heartbreak, whether it helped him or not.
I don't know if the detachment had anything to do with it. I basically told him that I was planning on living my life, and he could chose to be in it if he wanted. Then I started living again. Gradually, I noticed how much distance there was, and that it didn't scare me. I didn't like it. I didn't want things to have to be that way. But for the first time, I knew that I was ok, really ok.
I don't know if something at work, or someone from AA, or something else got his attention. It could be all of the above, some of the above, or none of the above. But something happened.
I started hearing him say, "I need to cut back on the pills." Now at first his reasoning was because he had built a tolerance, and in order for them to start working again, he had to cut back for a while. Quack Quack!
Then I heard something I wasn't expecting. He said "I want to try to get off the pills altogether." Not so much Quack.
So here is where I am at, my wonderful cyber family. I am glad that he is trying. There are withdrawals ( it's been a week sunday since he stopped completely. He weaned down to 0 from I don't know how much. That took a week.) He is almost out of the woods on physical withdrawal, but regaining feelings takes longer to get used to, both physical and emotional. But that's his burden. I am taking it one day at a time. It is hard to stay detached when I like him so much better sober.
I keep my expectations reasonable. It's been years since he's been off the pills, and it's going to be hard on him. He may stumble, he may not make it very long, I don't know. I have to turn it over to God.
I am grateful for what we have. I am grateful for Al-Anon. Without it, I would have been a basket case. I would have jumped in and tried to play God. Instead, I just took care of me. I was able to lean on my friends when I felt weak and needy. I was able to find joy in my life even when I felt heartbreak and sadness. I found out what courage is. These things I wouldn't have had were it not for my cyber family and my Al-Anon family. You are my strength. You are my courage. You are my joy. You share my sorrow.
Once I said those things to one person. Now I know that one person isn't capable of giving me that. I need many, and God puts them in my life. I just have to reach out. I have to walk in that meeting, pick up that phone. I have to have the courage to post here. What I receive in return is priceless.
So once again, family, thanks. I haven't felt alone. I haven't had to go through this alone. Hugs, Magic
PS New rules at work prevent me from hanging out here during the day. I would prefer being here, but I had a feeling that would happen. I'll still be around, but maybe not as active.
I don't think I have ever prayed like that. I mean, I don't think I've ever decided to trust that what seems bad to me might be part of The Big Guy's plan. I never thought there was any right and wrong but my right or wrong (I hope that makes sense.) Anyway, I was really able to Let Go and Let God.
I'm not sure what happened, but something did. I don't know if my talk with him about what I saw, and then my letting him know that it was his decision to do something if he saw fit had anything to do with it. That was months ago. I know that it helped me to express my heartbreak, whether it helped him or not.
I don't know if the detachment had anything to do with it. I basically told him that I was planning on living my life, and he could chose to be in it if he wanted. Then I started living again. Gradually, I noticed how much distance there was, and that it didn't scare me. I didn't like it. I didn't want things to have to be that way. But for the first time, I knew that I was ok, really ok.
I don't know if something at work, or someone from AA, or something else got his attention. It could be all of the above, some of the above, or none of the above. But something happened.
I started hearing him say, "I need to cut back on the pills." Now at first his reasoning was because he had built a tolerance, and in order for them to start working again, he had to cut back for a while. Quack Quack!
Then I heard something I wasn't expecting. He said "I want to try to get off the pills altogether." Not so much Quack.
So here is where I am at, my wonderful cyber family. I am glad that he is trying. There are withdrawals ( it's been a week sunday since he stopped completely. He weaned down to 0 from I don't know how much. That took a week.) He is almost out of the woods on physical withdrawal, but regaining feelings takes longer to get used to, both physical and emotional. But that's his burden. I am taking it one day at a time. It is hard to stay detached when I like him so much better sober.
I keep my expectations reasonable. It's been years since he's been off the pills, and it's going to be hard on him. He may stumble, he may not make it very long, I don't know. I have to turn it over to God.
I am grateful for what we have. I am grateful for Al-Anon. Without it, I would have been a basket case. I would have jumped in and tried to play God. Instead, I just took care of me. I was able to lean on my friends when I felt weak and needy. I was able to find joy in my life even when I felt heartbreak and sadness. I found out what courage is. These things I wouldn't have had were it not for my cyber family and my Al-Anon family. You are my strength. You are my courage. You are my joy. You share my sorrow.
Once I said those things to one person. Now I know that one person isn't capable of giving me that. I need many, and God puts them in my life. I just have to reach out. I have to walk in that meeting, pick up that phone. I have to have the courage to post here. What I receive in return is priceless.
So once again, family, thanks. I haven't felt alone. I haven't had to go through this alone. Hugs, Magic
PS New rules at work prevent me from hanging out here during the day. I would prefer being here, but I had a feeling that would happen. I'll still be around, but maybe not as active.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
((((Hugs and Prayers)))) to you and Mr. Magic! You are truly an amazing woman Magic-as swc said in my thread "I'm a work in progress" and I hope someday or rather I know someday I too will have the courage and strength that you so graciously show to everyone! Your amazing God bless you and Mr. M always!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: somewhere safe
Posts: 103
This morning I woke up feeling very alone. My AH bounces between AA meetings and being drunk in the evenings. He is so enmeshed in his struggles that there really isn't any time or energy to have a relationship with me. Your words of hope and encouragement will help me through this day. Its a beautiful late summer day and I don't want to waste it dwelling on things that just can't be for me right now.
I count you among my blessings today.
I count you among my blessings today.
brightlight
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Detachment
Posts: 201
((((Magic)))) You have helped me so much since I have started coming here. The saying by your name is one thing that has really helped. There can be no friendship where there is no freedom. William Penn - This saying shocked me and I started giving my husband his freedom and make his own choices. His whole way of thinking has changed. He called me his friend the other day for the first time in a long long time.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
You go, Magic
:rose <-- Love this icon, it's what happens to us when the program takes hold.
Thanx for all the support and encouragement you've been spreading round here, you rock.
Mike :-)
Thanx for all the support and encouragement you've been spreading round here, you rock.
Mike :-)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Winter Park, Florida
Posts: 21
You were the first one to reach out to me when I came on this board to post, I just want you to know I'm here for you too! My prayers are with both of you that he will find the serenity he needs and that you will continue yours. Reach out to me personally anytime you need.
(((Magic))) to you!
(((Magic))) to you!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Magic, I am proud of you for not giving in to old ways and becoming the basket case that you know you could have become. I believe that you've shown a wonderful amount of courage and strength.
Hang in there! You're doing great!
Hang in there! You're doing great!
Dancing To My Own Beat
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
It makes me feel so much better when I know that you all understand. I don't even want to think about what it would be like without you. Thanks. Magic
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: St Paul, MN
Posts: 3
Ive been getting results too magic
I am very happy to hear that things are going better for you. I hope it continues that way and you are eternally happy in your relationship.
Last week i was at the end of my rope with my girlfriend, she was getting drunk every night, even at work to the point where she couldnt drive home. She was laying into me every night for about 3 weeks saying its my fault she was feeling that way and well you know the song and dance we are the reason that they drink, etc. etc. Well I had enough and i told her that i wont be in a relationship with an alcoholic and if she ever got drunk to where she couldnt drive home from work(its an hour away) that i was through with the relationship. She said fine then things arent going to work out between us and i said fine and detatched myself from her and acted like it was ok that we were through. I think it finally woke her up, i did tell her i wouldnt sit by and watch her kill herself and i was moving on with her or without her and the ball was in her court now.
She realized how she had been treating herself and me for that matter and the last 4 days have been a complete turnaround.
she has told me she had a few glasses of wine at work but none of the hard stuff she was drinking before. Ill take that as a small victory and hope she can continue and control it. She has been more into me now and showing more affection. I continue to treat her with respect like i always did and kill her with kindness like i have from day one. I told her im going to be there for her in her time of need and that when you love someone you help them not hurt them.
I guess in the back of my mind im waiting for the next episode, and on the other hand im keeping my hopes up that things will be fine. Everyday is a new day so im taking it one day at a time.
Thank you for being an inspiration to us all! I hope i didnt rattle on too long.
Thanks
Last week i was at the end of my rope with my girlfriend, she was getting drunk every night, even at work to the point where she couldnt drive home. She was laying into me every night for about 3 weeks saying its my fault she was feeling that way and well you know the song and dance we are the reason that they drink, etc. etc. Well I had enough and i told her that i wont be in a relationship with an alcoholic and if she ever got drunk to where she couldnt drive home from work(its an hour away) that i was through with the relationship. She said fine then things arent going to work out between us and i said fine and detatched myself from her and acted like it was ok that we were through. I think it finally woke her up, i did tell her i wouldnt sit by and watch her kill herself and i was moving on with her or without her and the ball was in her court now.
She realized how she had been treating herself and me for that matter and the last 4 days have been a complete turnaround.
she has told me she had a few glasses of wine at work but none of the hard stuff she was drinking before. Ill take that as a small victory and hope she can continue and control it. She has been more into me now and showing more affection. I continue to treat her with respect like i always did and kill her with kindness like i have from day one. I told her im going to be there for her in her time of need and that when you love someone you help them not hurt them.
I guess in the back of my mind im waiting for the next episode, and on the other hand im keeping my hopes up that things will be fine. Everyday is a new day so im taking it one day at a time.
Thank you for being an inspiration to us all! I hope i didnt rattle on too long.
Thanks
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
