DoubleDragons

I am interested in hearing from those of you who have overcome most of your codependent traits and have successfully created healthy relationships with healthy people after learning from failed, dysfunctional relationships.

I have done a lot of self reflection over the past year and I see that I put all of my trust and faith into the most unhealthy people and am wary of the people who I should probably trust the most. Most of my most intimate(in a friend sense) female friendships have been with seriously mentally unstable women who seem to latch on to me for my "help" and patience. (which I totally see the connection to my personality disordered, alcoholic mother - sort of a no brainer), but the point is, I don't want to keep repeating the same patterns. I moved to a new state around 4 years ago, got sober over 2 years ago for fears of turning into my alcoholic mother, and I really kept everyone at arms length, because I was afraid of creating the same patterns in my life. Of course, when I first moved, it seemed like I instantly attracted "the party crowd" and became "drinking buddies" with an obvious alcoholic, so I distanced myself from everyone, stopped drinking, focused on my health and I kind of thought that it would mean that I would attract healthier friends into my life, but I still don't trust myself or my discernment and I second guess everyone that I think could be a good friend. Yet, I feel lonely for connection. For instance, I have gotten close to another woman who has four kids like me, but I have red flags because she is very attractive and flirty with men (for instance, she plays on an all mens tennis league) although not in particular, with my husband. And, if you recall, lately I have been feeling very insecure with my husband, even though nothing of substance has proven that I should be doubtful of his faithfulness. That being said, my husband has tried to make improvements in areas of our relationship that I thought we were lacking in and the distrustful part of me says, "Umm-hmm, my husband must feel guilty about something." Ugh.

So, after my last thread about my marital insecurities, many of you suggested that I try individual therapy, but I have huge trust issues there. Decades ago, I had a therapist who was the first to introduce me to the concept of "narcissism" when I was dealing with FOO issues and while that was great, I remember constantly questioning in my mind, why I should be listening to her, wondering what her life and relationships were like and also thinking, "Wow, she must be bored to death and disgusted listening to pathetic, whiny WASP-y problems when there are much greater problems in the free world to solve." Also, she was pretty insistent about me getting on anti-anxiety meds and while they helped for a while, I feel better being med-free overall. Three of my friends who are therapists, have a lot of issues of their own, particularly with their kids, so honestly I have so many doubts along the lines of therapy. It doesn't help that my FOO thinks that psychology is a "crock science." (I know -it's always the ones who need it the most.)

On the outside, I am one of those people who appear like I have it all together (although I don't feel that way at all), so I think people look to me for answers and the codependent part of me gets off on that a little bit, if I am honest. But I am tired and lonely from this pattern.

I feel very close to my HP. I really delved into my spirituality in the last few years and have moved away from religion, but have a more intimate daily connection with my HP. That being said, I think I look too much for "signs" and again go into a spiral of mistrust and confusion.

I guess what I am asking is how did you attract healthy relationships after suffering through poor ones and how did you learn to trust yourself and your discernment that you were in a healthy relationships?

Thanks in advance! I admire you all so much.

firebolt

Iv'e been starting to see that I HAVE some healthy relationships, and oddly enough, THOSE are the ones I've kept at arms length. I dunno - maybe I felt like they'd be more able to see below the surface and into my crazy at the time life.

The friends I have fun and hang out most with are, well FUN. They are funny, caring, spontaneous and semi crazy people (in mostly great ways)....but.....most of themabuse substances (what I consider abuse.)

Then, there are some fringe friends, that I hang out once in a while with. They aren't crazy fun. They are good people, friendly, spontaneous, level headed, calm, HEALTHY and do not party to excess, if at all.

Since all this work on ma-self (maybe I'm just getting older), I am becoming naturally more inclined to hang out with said fringe crowd....and learning to enjoy them for their non craziness.

These arms length (now closer) friends came (and are still coming) in the form of neighbors, people who tried to be my friend and I pooh pooed in the name of not enough time for new friends, church, friends of friends, a dude I met while fishing, and business acquaintances that I've had several friendly interactions with.

Good luck DD, you SOUND like someone my healthy friends and I would want to hang with

SparkleKitty

I am going to (gently) push back on your doubts about therapy. Sometimes you have to shop around for a counselor that you connect with. You don't have to stay with someone you have difficulty building trust with or who you feel doesn't listen to you (i.e., your wish to avoid prescription medication).

Yes, therapists are going to be human beings with problems of their own, like your friends. They are not supposed to be perfect. They are supposed to walk you through your journey, not walk it for you. I would never want a therapist who had never had to deal with issues, how could they possibly understand what it's like?

Your concern about your previous therapist being bored and your family's historically ill opinion of therapists...I'm afraid those are on you. My point is not to shove therapy down your throat but just to remind you that part of recovery is willingness. A big part. Stepping outside a comfort zone is what real change is all about.

Obviously I had great success with therapy.

LifeRecovery

I just want to raise my hand and say I resemble what you posted, and normalize that experience for you.

I am still working on the friendship piece, but it is significantly improved. I hate to say this but where I did the majority of my work on those pieces was with my therapist.

I have lived in one community coming up on 16 years. I have not seen the same therapist the whole time, but when I was ready for a change the new one appeared in my life (I would NEVER have been ready for her when I first started).

My therapist has had solid sobriety 38+ years, and is a member of Al-anon. We don't have similar life experiences at all. I took this training in therapy a number of years ago and do you know that therapists are wrong 60% of the time when they are asking questions etc....Being "wrong" for them is not a sin, it is another way for them to deepen the relationship they have with their client....to learn more, to extract more etc. I watch it happen time and time again to me as the "therapist" in this training.....clients were not put off by it, it helped them to find their words about themselves.

I don't trust my therapist to always be right. I trust her to walk this journey with me. I don't trust her to have it all figured out, I trust her to be open to whatever we may stumble across. I trust her to be true to her, so I can learn how to be true to me.

I have an awesome therapist by the way.

My relationship with her did not happen overnight. We did an "initial" interview to make sure that it would work for both of us.

I have had to cull some relationships entirely, but really more of the time they have just changed/modified as I have become more sure of myself. Friendships don't happen overnight either and in a number of instances my newer friendships have happened as a part of my recovery......not as a piece that got me into my recovery (if that makes any sense).

I think you are asking the right questions.

lizatola

I had to do a lot of work on self-love and it took the right therapist. I did learn one thing: the only way I was going to attract love into my life was if I loved myself and loved my life even while I was still living with active alcoholism. I carried that with me after I walked out and I find that I am so much better at setting boundaries, at asking for what I want from friends and in intimate relationships too, and all of it came about because of Al Anon and working the steps and working with my therapist as well.

I still struggle constantly but I find that I can redirect myself quicker and I can talk myself back to 'normal' without letting obsessive thinking or overthinking get the better of me.

And, like Liferecovery, I had to cut out some friendships. I had to look at all of my relationships and decide how healthy they were and sometimes I just had to step back and regroup and leave an open space in my heart for someone new. Some of those spaces are still open, but that's ok, because I know that someday they will be filled by someone else who's healthier and a better fit for me.

Stung

For me personally, I've needed therapy. Even when I didn't want to go anymore. Sometimes that's when I've actually needed it the most.

Me too. I'm finding that many of my close friends have similar problems (well, similar in scale of seriousness) and our relationships aren't actually all that unhealthy. Further, most of my friends actually want to hear about my problems so they can support me. My best friend actually really likes when she can be supportive to me as I am with her. Sometimes I need to get out of my own head a little bit and just let life unfold around me.

Dee74

All I can really share here is ...I got back what I put out.

That was really a lot of work, because most of my life was about building walls, not wanting to be hurt and flinching, always expecting a blow.

Like others here a little bit of counselling helped me realise that, and then a little bit of courage to embrace my vulnerability and put myself out there.

I've been hurt a few times sure...but I really feel that knowing myself better helped me enormously in dealing with those less than stellar moments when I feel let down or hurt.

Instead of my self worth coming from without and from others, my self worth is an internal thing now...I feel like I have a sense of me that isn't as dependent on how others see me.

I can better take those bumps, bruises and other associated mishaps of being in relationships with other people now...and I'm very good at cutting loose the dead wood....

D