EmmyG

So, like two weeks ago I posted about how great things were going. Well, here I am in hell again.

Separated AH and I have been getting along pretty well. We spent Thanksgiving with the kids and it went really smoothly. He hasn’t been drinking.

Well, I took the boys over to see him on Friday night. While I was in the other room, I got a text from a guy I’ve been talking to a little. He’s someone I met years ago, before my husband. He lives several hours away, and we’ve talked about meeting up sometime. Nothing serious. Well, the ex saw it. We got into it and I left. He then proceeded to get WASTED and go absolutely nuts. He called the guy (SO embarrassing). The boys and I left for Las Vegas the next morning to see my father who is currently in rehab for pain pills. While we were gone, AH kept drinking and calling my phone. I blocked him, so he started calling my mother, who was home alone (and lives a few miles from him). He was saying crazy things, calling me all kinds of names. She called the sheriff and they went over to the house. They did nothing, because he hadn’t made any actual threats. Once they left, he texted my mother and called her horrible names for calling the police on him. I told her to block his number, but she wants to keep a record. She was able to reach my dad, who called AH and left a voicemail telling him he’s going to go after him legally. AH is sober now, and texted me last night. He said I have nothing to be afraid of, that he would never hurt me, but that my father is a hypocrite and that if my father comes after him legally, he will fight him back.

My mother is a wreck – she was already a wreck about my father, now she is freaking OUT. She is afraid of him. My family wants me to do something, but I don’t know what I can do. He never actually drinks around the kids or has endangered them by driving drunk with them, being drunk in their presence, etc. Also, when he gets drunk (which only happens maybe 1-2 times a year when he goes on a bender), he is pretty much all bark/no bite. He says crazy things, but never actually shows up at my house or does anything. I don’t know what I can do with that. I think my family thinks I should try to get sole custody of the kids, but how could I do that? He doesn’t abuse the kids in any way. Yes, you could say it’s neglectful that he occasionally becomes a drunken idiot, but I know how the courts work and I don’t think they would see that as being an unfit parent. I am afraid that if I start a court battle, I will lose control and will only have my kids 50% of the time. Right now, I have them most of the time and I’ll drop them off for a night, or for an evening. If I fight him, it could backfire on me. But my sister is telling me that I can’t go on like this forever, dealing with these crazy benders.

Any suggestions??

LexieCat

I'd suggest contacting your local women's shelter or the DV hotline. Depending on the law of the state where you're living, you might be able to get a protective order barring him from contact with you and with your family members. What he is doing is considered harassment, and in some states (not all) it is grounds for a protective order. The laws on harassment vary from one state to another, too. An advocate should be able to tell you whether you would qualify for an order.

And talk to a lawyer about the issues around custody/visitation. You might be surprised how much the courts can and will do to protect children when a parent is an alcoholic. Knowledge is power. Consulting a lawyer to see where you might stand is just good sense.

hopeful4

It really does depend on the judges where you live. As my attorney just told me recently, there are some judges who see substance abuse as a serious problem and protect the kids, there are others who just court order AA if even and don't change a thing. I can say from being a leader at CR, you can sure tell who is there court ordered or are not. The ones court ordered to be there stay just long enough to get something signed they were there, they don't pay attention or participate in what I have seen here. My attorney recognized that also.

It would possibly be worth it to contact an attorney as Lexie said above about the harassment, and when doing so, speak to them about the custody and the judges where you live as well.

My question is this. How cozy are you getting with your EX that he is this upset about all of this. Why is he seeing your texts on your phone and thinking he has a right to be enraged? Is it b/c you have an unappropriate relationship with him, or simply because he is unreasonable? I am not proposing you do have an unappropriate relationship with him, I am just wondering about his strong and very unreasonable reaction.

And I would absolutely explain to your mother that she does have a record of it now, to block him from causing this stress in the future.

Stung

Emmy, your husband has held you by your throat in front of one of your boys while he was drunk. Your mother actually has a pretty darn good reason to feel frightened.

In California you can get a restraining order against someone for harassment and maybe that's something your mother can look into.

lillamy

I also remember, like Stung, the post where he held you by your throat.
Strangulation behaviors are one of the strongest predictors for men who murder their wives/girlfriends.

What is it that makes you go back to a man who is capable of treating you this way? What is it that keeps you from breaking that contact once and for all?

LexieCat

I didn't remember the strangulation post, but that might make the difference in terms of getting a protective order--history and context of a specific act can make it far more threatening than it would be without that history and context.

Emmy, why don't you call and talk with an advocate? It's free, confidential, and nobody will make you do anything you aren't ready to do.

Liveitwell

I agree-talk to the DV peeps or crisis center-they are very helpful.

FeelingGreat

Emmy whatever his history the game changes once there's another person in the mix. It changed for me when my ex found a new GF, and your AH may have a different mind-set now he thinks you're slipping away. Just saying'....

redatlanta

I suggest you contact an attorney and proceed with divorce. You have been living separated for over a year now, and you have indicated you have no intention of going back (unless that has changed). You are living in limbo, and so is he. You have met someone that you are casually communicating with, but it sounds like you are interested in. Problem is you are still married..

Your husbands behavior at times as been scary. His actions the other night are scary - now your mom and friend have been harassed by him. Your mom is scared and rightly so as your husband has been unhinged in the past. Please do contact the DV and find your path to doing what is right and protective of you and your family.

maia1234

Please don't try and justify his actions. Everyone sees him for who he really is. They say " when someone shows you who they are, Believe them the first time."

It is time to keep your whole family safe, not just you. Make the call.

jjj111

Emmy, please read over your posts from 2014 to remind yourself how bad things got. He drank many more times than once that year. He has had multiple alcohol and cocaine related arrests, he was placed by police on an involuntary psychiatric hold, he has physically attacked you more than once. I'm not a lawyer, but I think that if you saw one, they might tell you that if you follow through with the divorce, you have all the evidence you need to get a restraining order and supervised visitation for him. You don't have to live like this.

AnvilheadII

How did you EX husband see this text?????

FireSprite

^This, yes. Emmy, he may manage long periods of quiet between binges but his binges are intense & scary. There is NO telling how quickly things can get out of control or how easily horrid, unforgivable things could happen.

Him staying dry between binges - but still not working any sort of recovery - does not minimize the potential for disaster. He's still JUST white-knuckling, no matter how you slice it & that is incredibly unpredictable. I agree with your sister, this isn't a sustainable situation for you OR the boys. It'll get far more difficult the older they get. ((((Hugs))))

atalose

Have you given any serious thought to al-anon and trying to work that program?

Not trying to be snarky here but when someone who is on the receiving end of drunken vile words of hate and cause fear and that person’s only reaction and response is to reach out to someone else who is currently going through rehab themselves – that’s when you know some kind of outside help is desperately needed so that this issue can be addressed in a healthy way for a peaceful resolve not a temporary stay until the next time.

You can’t control your mother but you can help yourself and this situation that she has been sucked into.