Cadence57

Ah a friend in need... that's how I feel - like someone in need.
My (now ex) boyfriend is coming here from Montana (tonight) to get his car and his stuff. We broke up a week and a half ago, after he told me he'd call it off but he didn't want me to "win" -- I figured I would save him the trouble, and I said as much.
I'm truthfully terrified. I have to pick him up at the airport in two and a half hours... I miss him but not his drinking. I love him but hate who he becomes when he's drunk. I don't know how long he plans on being here - but I'm thinking he'll need to get his car "road worthy" tomorrow and then leave Sunday (which happens to also be my birthday - could he have picked a better week???).
So, anyway... he said we're going to "talk" while he's here. He's certainly gotten an ear (eye?) full from me in response to various letters he's sent.

One of the things I sent him was something I found here that REALLY hit close to home:

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered a sociopath. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.

Those last three lines are what got to me - I mean they REALLY got to me! So last night I went online and looked up "sociopath" -- it's my ex to a "T" in most regards!!! How scary is that??

Sociopaths are very egocentric individuals that lack a sense of personal responsibility and morality. They may be impulsive, manipulative, reckless, quarrelsome, and consistent liars. Sociopaths are usually unable to sustain relationships and have a total lack of remorse for their actions. The sociopath may also be very prone to aggressive, hostile, and sometimes violent behavior. This aggression may or may not lead to criminal behavior and often takes the form of domestic violence. Along with these other actions, sociopaths often engage in self-destructive behavior such as alcoholism or addiction to drugs. This, of course, usually worsens many aspects of the sociopathic behavior. Despite these previous symptoms, the sociopath may be an excellent actor, always appearing charming, calm, and collected. They usually have a normal or above normal intelligence level and good verbal fluency. It is these qualities that sometimes place the sociopath in leadership positions within their social groups and often make it hard to spot their "black side".


So, anyway, he'll be here tonight and probably tomorrow night as well - I'm feeling incredibly vulnerable right now - very sad. Even armed with this new information, all I want is a hug and a promise that it will be OK... But I know in my heart that it WON'T be OK... :arg:

Any words of wisdom??? :titanic

Rella927

Marti-Try to be strong so that nothing can disturb your peace of mind and be too big for worry and too noble for anger. I do not have many words of wisdom to share with you other than prayers and (((Hugs))) I will send positive thoughts to you-Just stand strong sweetie-you can and will get through this because you are aware!

Here is a poem for you:
BY CHANGING YOUR THINKING
By Author Unknown
By Changing Your Thinking,
You change your beliefs;

When you change your beliefs,
You change your expectations;

When you change your expectations,
You change your attitude;

When you change your attitude,
You change your behavior;

When you change your behavior,
You change your performance;

When you change your performance;
You Change Your Life!

God Bless sweetie and Happy Birthday too! (We will all celebrate YOU on Sunday your special and do not ever forget it)

Remember this ----->

Green Eyes

Cadence: It's been 3 months since my A/Ex left. I have been in contact off and on in those 3 months and as time goes by, I have finally come to terms with the fact that he will not change until he is ready (if ever), he still does not acknowledge that he has a problem and I'm not going to watch him go down.

It has been a very long process but I'm finally getting there with support from my friends, family and this site. I have also been reading everything I can get my hands on so that I can understand what this terrible disease does to people. I found a book in the library called "Message in a Bottle: Stories of Men and Addiction" written by Jefferson A. Singer who is a psychologist. Within the stories that are told by the men, Singer comments or analyzes the excerpts. This book was an excellent resource for me to fully understand addiction and make me realize that the demise of our relationship was a blessing in disguise. We deserve SO much better. I know I've heard it 1000 times from my supports but TIME is what will heal and it has for me.

You will be great, you will be strong! I also extend my birthday wishes to you as a fellow Virgoan!

DesertEyes

Here's a hug for ya' :-)

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Marti)))))))))))))))))) )))))))))))))

And yes, _you_ are going to be okay. You are growing and learning. Now might be a real good time to check out a meeting of Al-Anon. In fact, you could go to meetings all day tomorrow and Sunday and not be home at all. You can pick up the phone list from the meetings and call every single person on that list, one at a time, so that you are in a "phone meeting" whenever you can't be in a real meeting.

The point is, you are _not_ alone. There's tons of people who care for ya here on this forum and tons more that you haven't met yet at the meetings.

Mike :-)
p.s. wifey and I will be praying for you :-)

splendra

Cadence-

#1 Take care of you.... don't let him talk you into doing anything that you feel like you would end up feeling used, abused,or confused. Don't over extend yourself.

It would be so easy for you to be BSed by him. You had a lot of emotional investment with him take off your chain so he can't yank it!!!

Cadence57

LOL thanks - good words to live by... I'm outta here - on my way to the airport to get him - I'll check in as much as possible...
Thanks everyone...
Marti

cwohio

((marti)) good luck!

cwohio

redrose0729

hey candice how is it going let us know

lonlion

"When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction"


OK am I the only addict/alcoholic who took offence to this comment. I do not believe this to be true, even in my active addiction I was very capable of loving others.

Comments please

splendra

lonlion-

when a person is in active addiction they don't even love themselves and it would be impossible to love another in that state. don't want to high-jack this thread perhaps you could start one and tell us how you were loving others when you were active......

Cadence57

Splendra,
You took the words right out of my mouth... Addiction = self abuse. Self abuse = absense of self love. If you don't love yourself you can not love others.

Marti (who's having a rough weekend... He's here til' Tues or Wed because he forgot his credit cards and must now wait for USPS to deliver them)

bikewench

hey Ionlion....

I'd say there are many aspects to love...
As a recovering user... I'm beginning to understand that...

One aspect of that quote is true in that when I am dependant on a substance... everything else is relative to me being able to use.

True intimacy is generally only possible when both people are fully in the moment... and if one is continually in their head around their current or next fix... then to me... it's not "real" love...

I think if we asked everyone on here that is in a relationship with an addict... they'd all say that it feels like the user is having an "affair" with their DOC...

And... how can I truly love when I will put my need to use before the needs of someone I love... and I'd say this happens 99.9 % of the time...

Interesting thought though...
You might want to start a thread around it... could make for an interesting discussion.

redrose0729

That sounds kind of planned don't you think. Manipulative . Who leaves town and fogets their credit cards especially that far away from home.

Peaches04

Oh honey - be careful. The I forgot my credit cards might mean he's trying to buy a few more days with you to show you how great he is and how much you love him. That would suck me back in in an instant - or would have before. Your HP is with you, listen to your gut.