amy55

that's what my son said to me tonight.

He said that he actually had to get older to realize what cancer was.

My nephew wife most likely has cancer. A serious one. I know she had the biopsy on Tues. but my sister has not even contacted my mother about the results.

I'm sorry this has nothing to do with recovery from anything.

I'm all disjointed. If my sister did not contact anyone, that makes me worry a lot. It's been 4 days since the biopsy results should have been received. Best prognosis would be lymphoma type B, worst I think would be is thymic carcinoma.

I'm sorry to even post this, I just need some strength.

I did go through cancer, 2 at the same time. I refused to ever act sick. My son never saw my cancer except for my bald head. I don't know what to even say now.

amy

dandylion

amy......how old was your son at the time?

dandylion

LexieCat

I imagine you were trying to protect your son from worry.

Your nephew and his wife may be busy processing the results, and researching their options. I know, for myself, I prefer not to share news until I have a plan of action and have a handle on my own emotions.

Hugs, try not to worry too much till you have more information.

amy55

dandy, my son was old enough. He was 14 with a 141 IQ. I really do think that my ex told them that I was lying about my cancer. I think he was telling them that I was just lazy or crazy. When I went to the hospital for a week, it was the week that my sister was taking everyone in the family for a Caribbean Cruise. I couldn't go. I had the DVT and internal radiation that week. Kids never saw me in the hospital.

I think I am really flipping out today. I can see how he was lying to them the entire time.

He told me he told them about the cancer. I believed him, and I didn't say anything. I thought they knew. Other then having a party on the deck to shave my head when my hair was falling out, my kids didn't come near me when I went through cancer except for one time, my youngest daughter was making pop tarts, and asked me if I wanted one. (Only because there are 2 in the pack).

I can easily see now how he convinced them of other things.

I'm just feeling really sick right now.

amy55

I'm also having anxiety about my nephews wife.

jjj111

Amy, worrying about what your kids believe about the past and whether your ex manipulated them seems to cause you so much grief and anxiety! Do you think it might be possible to let it go? Just accept that it was a crazy time and signals got crossed a lot, and try to focus on building yourself a happy life today?

How have you been doing? Are you making it out to church or any meetings? We're all rooting for you here! (((Amy)))

LexieCat

You already know he lied to them about the abuse, telling them you "threw yourself down the stairs." I think you can safely assume he manipulated and lied to them about just about everything.

I'm with jjj, this is something you need to find a way to let go of. It happened. Continue to work on rebuilding your relationship with your kids. You can all expect to have these little "a-ha!" moments when it dawns that he was lying through his teeth about something. You don't have to allow that to still have the power to ruin your day. Your kids are seeing the truth more and more. Take comfort from that.

amy55

I was trying to try until this summer when I was accused of throwing myself down a flight of steps so I could have my ex arrested for DV.

I actually did handle the 4 1/2 hour phone call with my son really well last night.

amy55

I handled that phone call really well. He was asking me what I knew about my nephews wife, I told him. We talked for over 4 hours. When he said he thought I was joking about my own cancer, I changed the subject then. He came back to it later and said that he would only trust what I said about this, because he knows I research. I left it alone.

amy55

I think I was just shocked that my kids didn't even believe that I went thru cancer then. I kept my mouth shut. Then my son started to talk about the friends that came over to our house, and that sometimes the only meal they had that day or week was what I cooked for them.

DesertEyes

Hi there,

(((( hugs ))))

Sorry to hear that your family is messing with you again.

No worries. Your post is about dealing with the hardships of life, and recovery is how we learn to deal with those hardships. All of which means that your thread is perfectly ok and very much about recovery.

More ((( hugs )))

Mike

dandylion

amy....you and your kids were both going through a very bad, very dark time, back then. I think it is good to the extent that you can share memories of each memories and perceptions of that time with each other......
Maybe, this kind of sharing can lead to more understanding and.....healing.....

dandylion

amy55

I'll get over this also. I just didn't know how low he really stooped. I thought he only got this dirty after I left.

It was a shock. I think I needed to post this, because you never know how long they are working at destroying you. I am a gullible person, just never thought I was that gullible.

Anyway, things are good now with my son and I.

He was talking about his wife. She has bi polar, and came off her meds so they could have a baby. She has been getting manic and depressed, but, he said not too bad. He told me he was having problems. I told him they could be short lived till she is back on her right cocktail, and he told me, no, it started a long time ago, before he even met her. We also talked about that for awhile. He used to have blackouts growing up and would lose track of time. He told me about it, but didn't remember telling me, except for one thing.

He told me he would see about seeing a psych and possibly taking anti depressants, if that is what he needs. He is now open to that.

amy55

THIS IS JUST A VENT !!!!!!!!

I thought the worst thing that he did or said to me during my cancer or after my cancer treatment was.....

1. I only took care of you then because I needed to look good to other people.

2. (2 months after treatment stopped for no reason whatsoever during a normal conversation, he said) I see you are back to your old b!tchy self. I said to him why would you say that, he replied, I see you got your strength back, and now we can fight again.

Now I can add in 3. He told my kids that I lied about having cancer.

This was 9 - 10 years before I left.

I am so glad he lives over 800 miles from me.

amy

ShootingStar1

I am so glad that all of this from him is PAST TENSE.

It is over, it is done, and now you and your children are living in the present and healing toward a much better happier future.

That is the gift to you after all the trauma and despair you have faced in the past. You have now, and you have the future, and you never have to relive the past.

ShootingStar1

amy55

I'm still so confused about last nights phone call. It was I think, like, my son did remember I had cancer, but he wasn't able to connect it to his childhood. After thinking back on a few things that we spoke of, he remembered some of the blackouts that he had, but couldn't remember others. At first when he said to me "I thought you were joking about your cancer", I didn't know what to make of that. I thought it might have been another " I threw myself down the steps, to get your father arrested" stories. Now I think it was something he was trying to block out, until he couldn't anymore, and he couldn't do that because someone close to him may now have cancer.

I have never been on the phone for 4 1/2 hours, with one person. He wasn't even talking to me prior to this, and I was actually OK with it. He started the conversation by saying he didn't want to talk about anything between us, he wanted to know about Erica(my nephews wife). I never in those 4 1/2 hours brought up anything about us.

After we talked about Erica, (and the little I know about anything at this point), he told me that he really only wants to hear about Erica from me. That he trust me about this, and that he knows that I would have done my research, and asked the right questions.

It gets stranger.

He started to talk about his friends when he was growing up. ( In my childhood, I was never allowed to have friends over, forget about them sleeping over. ) This is one thing that I would never do to my children, my ex could have killed me before I would let him tell my children that they couldn't have friends over to the house, or stay over.

He told me that some of his friends that stayed over never really had a meal, and when they did it was because I made it for them. That what I gave them might have been the only food they were given except for the cafeteria at school. It was only about 2 of his friends, and they would try to sneak out before eating breakfast, but I was also guarding the door, and no one left without eating. Those kids had pride and didn't want to take anything, but I wouldn't let them leave without eating. I didn't know that then, I'm just Polish, and I like to feed people.

Then he started to talk about depression. I asked him if he could see a psych or if not a GP and see about anti depressants. (SSRI's) He told me that at this point in his life, he is considering that. He then asked me about a day when he was about 12. He said he remembered waking up after a nap in our guest room, and he remembered shaking, screaming and crying. He didn't know if that was real or imagined. It was real. My mom was over that day, and I was in the kitchen with her, and I heard him screaming and crying. I ran upstairs. He seemed like he was "out of it". I held him for about 15 minutes so he would calm down. He did calm down, and then he acted like nothing happened. So, he asked me last night if that did actually ever happen, or if he just imagined it. He also told me that he moved out of his bedroom on the second floor and moved into the basement (it was finished) because it would have been easier to get out of.

He then told me that he would send me an article this week that he received credits on, it's about Ebola. He will also be published as a co author on another article shortly. He does DNA sequencing.

I'm still really confused about everything. It was only less then 2 months ago, that he was cursing at me so much that I did cut him and my other children off. I only reached out to them about Erica because my mother asked me to, and I didn't want to tell her that I didn't want to speak to them anymore.

--------------------

I wrote the above in my journal because I wanted to think coherently. I don't think I was doing that before. I will say that perhaps my ex did not tell my kids that I was lying about my cancer. I think my son blocked it out.

amy


--------------------------------

I think of ACOA now. I do think that things like this are a good reason to get out asap.

theuncertainty

Sending big hugs, Amy. I'm glad your son feels safe/strong/brave enough to question the stories and talk with you now about the past. I know it's rough, though. I'm also glad that he's not cursing at you.

The story about him waking up from a nap when he was 12, sounds a bit like night terrors. One of my nephews suffers from them occasionally; more often when he was younger than now. But he'd sit up in bed just like that - screaming, crying, shaking. His eyes would be open, but he wouldn't be aware of anything but what was going on in his internal vision. He wouldn't be aware of anyone trying to comfort him or where he was. It was very, very rare that he'd remember anything about it the next day..... I don't know if there's a correlation, but my nephew is brilliant, too.

Cancer is such a hard thing for most people to understand. I lost several aunties from it when I was younger. I remember that they were sick. I remember losing them, but I didn't know just how _hard_ it was. I mean, being sick is hard, but cancer... it's brutal. I didn't know how much it leached away at them, their energy. I didn't know how much it cost them to try to seem more "ok" when we'd visit or when Mom would stay with them to help. Facing his mom with cancer... I think I could understand why your young son would block it out. One of my cousins says she doesn't remember her mom. It used to make me so mad, because M was old enough to have memories of her mom, Auntie K. She SHOULD remember her. How could she not remember just how much Auntie K LOVED her? How fierce and doting she was with that love. She doesn't though, and 'talking' with you is helping me understand why.

You are so brave and strong, Amy. (((((hugs)))))

LexieCat

"Night terrors" were exactly what came to mind for me, too--my older son had them when he was little. I think they are a lot less common in an older child, but that's sure what it sounds like to me. There never seemed to be any precipitating factor, they just HAPPENED.

dandylion

My sister had night terrors, also. frequently when she was young....and they continued into adulthood....though, more rarely......

dandylion

amy55

It's exactly what my son went through. I forgot about the shaking.

I can also see how he was able to like disassociate from my cancer. I tried to act as normal as possible in front of them. I wouldn't take my pain pills as directed because I didn't want them to see me "Zombie like".

I had a rough day yesterday. My nephew's wife was diagnosed with B cell lymphoma, stage 4.