Kboys

(((amy)))
I'm glad you got out safe and so glad that you are here!
I always appreciate your posts!

SadInTX

thank you for posting...going through something similar right now...my AH quit drinking for a while, then back at it...not always bad...but it got bad last week...
I have been struggling with the whole mental disorder vs alcoholism vs abuse......it seems the three sickly interact with one another and it is just not a good mix....my AH just quit drinking again due to an episode...he said never again....but I have heard that before. he is also going to a therapist. He asked me to set something up...instead I sent him two names and phone numbers and told him he would need to take care of that. It is up to him. This is it for me...if he doesn't seek out help and doesn't quit drinking I have to leave. For my safety and the safety of my kids. Ugh...thank god for this forum. Thank you...

Liveitwell

SadinTx-have been thinking about you-thank you for the update - hold firm to your boundaries and let him put his big boy pants on, if he so chooses.

dandylion

SadInTexas....I think you handled that beautifully.

dandylion

SadInTX

Thanks Forourgirls...it was good for a while...really good..we were really happy.,. The last I posted I was planning on leaving...picked out a place and everything, but I gave it another chance...I wanted our marriage to work...I have been a little embarrassed..so haven't been back until now. I can't do this alone...I don't have support here where I live so this is my only source right now.... I am so grateful for the others posting here...it helps me so much.

amy55

Thank You, I'm glad you're out also.

As to whether or not they know what they are doing? I wish I can answer that. I honestly think that my ex didn't. I think that his mind was so messed up that he just went with his feelings at the time, and not facts. I think by that I mean, if he was feeling bad (a person that is attacking another person is feeling bad about something, because no one who is happy would do that) he blamed me for the reason, even if I wasn't anywhere around him. When he got like this, he labeled me as the "enemy" and then you can do or say anything you want, get everything out then have sex and make up.

After writing that, I think I need to vomit.

amy

amy55

SadInTX, please don't ever isolate yourself. I think I posted here many times that I was on a verbal abuse website, and my ex was crazier then most there, and I became embarrassed to post. That probably held me back from leaving by at least 2 or 3 years.

I do think you did the right thing by just handing him the phone numbers. Let him do the rest himself. I also did this with my ex. He did make the appts. He told them it was for MC, so they also wanted to see me. 2 of his therapists fired him, and asked me if I would want to continue with them. They fired him as a client because he was in his "mood" for the appt that I went to with him.

many ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) )))))))))))))))))))))))))) to you
here for you

amy

Wisconsin

My STBXAH did not become abusive toward me until he relapsed into alcoholism. That said, there were plenty of red flags at the beginning of our relationship that were clues to the toxicity that awaited.

I was also called abusive. Because I didn't "respect" him. Because I walked away from him when he was screaming at me. Because by walking away from him, I was teaching our son to "disrespect" him. I was called a snob, and constantly accused of thinking I was better than him. I was called every name you can imagine. Everything I did was criticized. All of my accomplishments were diminished. There was no physical abuse, but the emotional and verbal abuse was pervasive. It may not have started until he relapsed into active alcoholism, but I do believe that even had he stayed sober, this behavior would have surfaced sooner or later and that in the end, his alcoholism and his abusiveness are two totally different issues. For my STBXAH, it is another symptom of his total lack of coping skills. In the past, he was able to do just enough work on himself to find sobriety for awhile. But he was never able to do all the hard work he needed to for lasting sobriety and to stop abusing as a way to make him feel better about himself.

amy55

I was thinking more about this, as to whether or not they knew. I can never forget that sick smirk on his face when I did "lose it".

Kboys

Yeah... AH actually told me once, "Well who else am I supposed to take it out on?" Like that was just my "duty" as his wife, to be his target...

Talk about vomit... I would even initiate the sex sometimes after the explosions, after all the hurtful words...in hopes that his mood would turn around, and things would calm down... my way of controlling, or attempting to control the situation I guess. Yuck.

I think my AH recognized the times he got physical, especially in the beginning (the times he remembered anyway) as abusive... but not the rest of it.

Stomping around, yelling and screaming, punching holes in the wall, breaking furniture... well, he was just expressing himself and letting his anger out...

Checking to make sure I'm not wearing my "sexy" underwear when I leave for work, or making me regret it if I wore heels, or a skirt, or "too much" makeup.
Grilling me with 20 questions every time I had to travel for work (Just a few hours at a time typically... not overnight... I did not dare do that, and had to turn down opportunities for training which involved overnight stays, or leave ridiculously early in the morning instead to get there instead of staying overnight) or if I dared to have lunch with a friend, spend the day at my parent's house.
Who did you see? How long were you there? How long did it take you to drive there? It couldn't have taken you that long... what were you really doing?
He would even inspect my underwear for nonexistent "evidence" that I was having sex with someone else.
But of course, to him, that was all appropriate. "I'm just asking questions, don't I have a right to do that?"

I tried to change the way that I did things, to satisfy him, and make him feel more secure, because I felt sorry for him in the beginning...
because he felt abandoned by his mother as a child. She was homeless and had to leave him with his father for most of his childhood. He said he would always see vehicles that looked like hers and would make his dad follow them because he thought they were her, trying to find him.
He has trust issues and insecurities.... So for a long time, I thought if I just kept being good to him, and loyal, he would trust me, and things would be better but of course that didn't work, and only made it worse, and made me feel like sh!t about myself.
But then I would see the little boy following what he thought was his mother's car, and I would feel sympathy, and I would forgive and understand the reasons behind his insecurities... no apologies necessary.

Sorry, I'm a little scattered and long-winded today.... but thanks for listening, and thanks for this thread.

DesertEyes

Great thread everybody, I can't even imagine how difficult this must be for you all. Do you all want to make this thread a sticky?

Mike
Moderator, SR

amy55

ok

amy55

I am listening to you and I am hearing you. ((((((hugs)))))). I remember the first time I talked to my friend that later on offered me her house to live in, she told me, the things you say are strange and weird, and I believe you, because no one can make up chit like that.

She came with me to court when I got divorced. She noticed all the things that I told her about with his stance and facial expressions. She knew him for 30 years also, and he wouldn't even look at her, but yet he still tries to be friends with this couple.

I also tried to initiate sex to just make the fighting stop. We had a swimming pool, I couldn't take it anymore, between the silent treatment and the rage, (don't know which I hated most), I just told him, I'm going skinny dipping. He followed me right outside.

The 90 minute night. Valentine Day. I read a Dr P hil book. It said if you change how you act or react, the other person will do the same. I told him that I read this book and that I understand that I made many mistakes, and I won't react anymore before thinking, then I would like to calmly discuss things. He then verbally abused me for 90 minutes. Called me names, ordered me around, etc... I lost it. It took 90 minutes of this to do this to me. I got my car keys, and stayed in a motel for the night.

Another fight after that, he came home late, 9:00, I looked at the clock and he just attacked. I washed the kitchen floor that day. He attacked me verbally because I liked the kitchen floor more then I liked him, also said that I was only able to be nice for 90 mins referring to prior fight. I wouldn't believe myself, if I didn't have it recorded.

Alcoholism? Abuse? or just plain crazy?

DesertEyes

Done stickied under "About Abuse"

Mike

Kboys

Thanks amy
more (((hugs)))



I sure hoped it really was just the alcoholism, when AH stopped drinking last year. It would have been nice if it was that simple....
I thought he would be able to see things more clearly. I thought he would realize all he had put me through and there would be real change, real growth for both of us and our relationship....

I think, though, I just got more and more angry as time passed and there wasn't a real change in his behaviors, which negatively affected the way that I communicated with him, even at times when things were going somewhat well, I would be "triggered" by something, and just let him have it, especially when he first stopped drinking. I was so raw... and I definitely felt crazy sometimes... Sometimes I still do, but I think I'm learning to handle it better.

amy55

I think that sometimes it was strange that I felt the most relaxed when he was angry, and giving me the silent treatment, mixed in with the rage. I felt more like I was "walking on eggshells",during the honeymoon period. When he was trying to be nice. I knew that ticking timebomb inside of him could or will go off at any second. So I think my relaxation period of time, was actually after he was triggered. I then knew what to expect.

Bunnyrabbit

I’m glad this came up, I also think that a lot of members on here are dealing with a personality disordered partner who is self medicating with alcohol and other substances. I was in a 4 year relationship with a BPD/NPD – I’m not even sure what exactly she’s diagnosed with but she ticks all the boxes of a classic cluster B personality disorder. Without going into to much detail, it was pure hell and it rendered me a completely helpless, codependent, depressed, anxiety ridden mess... I’m a man and I was severely abused by a woman, in all forms imaginable, yes it happens.

I was lucky to have found an understanding online support group of (mostly men) who were equally abused and I must say most, if not all of the stories I read on here read exactly like the ones on there... I mean I’m an alcoholic, even though I prefer to call myself a binge drinker, but never have lied, cheated, not kept my word or engaged in any of the abusive things I read on here. If anything, I abused myself and let myself be abused. I really don’t think alcoholics typically are abusers but a very large part of abusers are likely to be also alcoholics and even larger part of abusers are crazy or more pc, personality disordered.

I think a lot of people on here would do good to read up on cluster B personality disorders specifically because if it’s that then you’re dealing with a whole other beast altogether. A simple alcoholic would look like a choir boy next to one of those. Just my 0.02$

Morning Glory

I will be bumping some older stickie posts so we don't lose them from our search feature. It might be a little cluttered until you post on the normal threads.