Please help with recovered husband
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Please help with recovered husband
I am very sad right now because I feel like after fourteen years with what I once thought was my soul mate, I'm afraid I am losing a battle and may soon give in. He has now been sober for seven months or so and has recently turned his attention toward me to obsess over ? I am a dog breeder so I am constantly interacting with people and going here, there, and everywhere. I used to have a full time job but I recently decided to focus on my dogs so I haven't looked for another job.
Lately he has become possessive and manipulative and he can't see that he is doing it or maybe he does... I don't know, I'm so lost I don't really know up from down anymore. I'm so emotionally exhausted from his constant cycles of up and down, depressed, angry, and normal... He gets upset with me for ridiculous things like my gay male friend calling me sweetheart to me not texting him to let him know I'm at a friend's house. His excuse: he said he worries about me when he gets home and doesn't see my car here and thinks something bad has happened. I asked him why he didn't just ask me and I always have my phone on me so there is no reason to worry...
The other day I sent him a 😘😘 around 4:30 to see what he was up to and open up communication with him and he was so mad that we have now been arguing since Monday.
To me, nothing I do pleases him or if it does its for a couple days and then the same issues arise the next time he is upset with me so we never get any resolution.
He tells me sarcastically that I am perfect and do no wrong and I definitely feel like that's not the case at all, I just feel like we have gotten into a destructive path that is quickly escalating and I'm becoming worried.
I have recorded conversations between him and I and my friends are telling me that we need to take a break and work on ourselves. I have one friend that spoke to a psychologist about him and she immediately called him and told him that I need to get out because he meets the profile for one of those family suicide murders. I'm scared. I can't imagine my husband being that way and I love him with all that I have. I just don't know what to do with him. And I need to note he has never been physically abusive to me.
He completed a ninety day outpatient program and does not think that aa meetings helped him. I set up couples counseling and we have an appointment tomorrow. I also set up individual counseling for him for Friday. Any help would be appreciated because I am getting scared.
We have two small children and I know this is affecting them as well. Please help.
Lately he has become possessive and manipulative and he can't see that he is doing it or maybe he does... I don't know, I'm so lost I don't really know up from down anymore. I'm so emotionally exhausted from his constant cycles of up and down, depressed, angry, and normal... He gets upset with me for ridiculous things like my gay male friend calling me sweetheart to me not texting him to let him know I'm at a friend's house. His excuse: he said he worries about me when he gets home and doesn't see my car here and thinks something bad has happened. I asked him why he didn't just ask me and I always have my phone on me so there is no reason to worry...
The other day I sent him a 😘😘 around 4:30 to see what he was up to and open up communication with him and he was so mad that we have now been arguing since Monday.
To me, nothing I do pleases him or if it does its for a couple days and then the same issues arise the next time he is upset with me so we never get any resolution.
He tells me sarcastically that I am perfect and do no wrong and I definitely feel like that's not the case at all, I just feel like we have gotten into a destructive path that is quickly escalating and I'm becoming worried.
I have recorded conversations between him and I and my friends are telling me that we need to take a break and work on ourselves. I have one friend that spoke to a psychologist about him and she immediately called him and told him that I need to get out because he meets the profile for one of those family suicide murders. I'm scared. I can't imagine my husband being that way and I love him with all that I have. I just don't know what to do with him. And I need to note he has never been physically abusive to me.
He completed a ninety day outpatient program and does not think that aa meetings helped him. I set up couples counseling and we have an appointment tomorrow. I also set up individual counseling for him for Friday. Any help would be appreciated because I am getting scared.
We have two small children and I know this is affecting them as well. Please help.
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He sounds like a classic abuser. Which does not always involve physical abuse (though as your friend noted, that can change--though I question her judgment in calling and confronting him that way). I've worked in the DV field for a very long time and what he's doing fits the definition perfectly.
I'd suggest you call your local women's shelter or the National DV Hotline (1-800-799-7233) and talk with an advocate. You may not be ready to leave right now, and no one will force you to do anything you don't want to do, but it's important to talk with an expert and maybe work up a safety plan.
I'd suggest you call your local women's shelter or the National DV Hotline (1-800-799-7233) and talk with an advocate. You may not be ready to leave right now, and no one will force you to do anything you don't want to do, but it's important to talk with an expert and maybe work up a safety plan.
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Originally Posted by Shortnsweet1025 
The other day I sent him a 😘😘 around 4:30 to see what he was up to and open up communication with him and he was so mad that we have now been arguing since Monday.
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It sounds like he's abstaining but not recovering. Was he emotionally/verbally abusive like this before sobriety as well? (It doesn't matter change that you are dealing with it now - just trying to understand if it's new behavior or an increase in old behaviors.)
Classic blameshifting - RAH used this like a battle cry during every. single. argument. in those early days. And he always followed it up with a self-deprecating BS comment like, "I guess I'm just a horrible person." or "I guess I just suck." I was always left scratching my head because these comments were absurd & out of place & were never in response to anything I'd actually said.... I wasn't understanding that it was his internal judgment lashing out externally.
What you describe about still having out of control arguments reminds me a lot of my RAH's behavior in early recovery, after that pink cloud period wore off. It went on for 2 yrs before he got serious about recovery & now the difference is night & day. How long has your husband been sober?
More importantly, what are you doing for YOU during all of this?
He tells me sarcastically that I am perfect and do no wrong
What you describe about still having out of control arguments reminds me a lot of my RAH's behavior in early recovery, after that pink cloud period wore off. It went on for 2 yrs before he got serious about recovery & now the difference is night & day. How long has your husband been sober?
More importantly, what are you doing for YOU during all of this?
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No my friend emailed the psychologist and gave her a run down of what my husband has been doing and then the psychologist called him (my gay friend) immediately and told him that I need to get out now.
I think you are right. I should have a back up plan.
I think you are right. I should have a back up plan.
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Originally Posted by Refiner
Oh, I am so sorry for the situation you find yourself in, Shortnsweet! You've come to the right place, though. Lot's of experience around here. I'm confused at what those smiley faces are that you posted -- what did they mean and why did you husband get so mad about it? Did you give him an ultimatum that he had to quit drinking so now he's taking it out on you?
Rah:??
I thought we already went thru this
Me:What?
Rah: But I guess u gonna do what u wanna do
I'm home
Ur not
Me:I was seeing when u would respond
Rah:Ring a bell?
Me: I'm leaving Jen's now
Rah:Oh ok lemme Check my crystal ball I guess I missed that
Me:Wow. Hello to you too.
Rah:Yea whatever just stay there
Me:What is your problem?
You didn't even say hi
Rah:U rather be there anyways
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
It sounds like he's abstaining but not recovering. Was he emotionally/verbally abusive like this before sobriety as well? (It doesn't matter change that you are dealing with it now - just trying to understand if it's new behavior or an increase in old behaviors.)
I agree I need to get some counseling for myself because I feel like I am losing myself in all of this.
Classic blameshifting - RAH used this like a battle cry during every. single. argument. in those early days. And he always followed it up with a self-deprecating BS comment like, "I guess I'm just a horrible person." or "I guess I just suck." I was always left scratching my head because these comments were absurd & out of place & were never in response to anything I'd actually said.... I wasn't understanding that it was his internal judgment lashing out externally.
What you describe about still having out of control arguments reminds me a lot of my RAH's behavior in early recovery, after that pink cloud period wore off. It went on for 2 yrs before he got serious about recovery & now the difference is night & day. How long has your husband been sober?
More importantly, what are you doing for YOU during all of this?
I agree I need to get some counseling for myself because I feel like I am losing myself in all of this.
Classic blameshifting - RAH used this like a battle cry during every. single. argument. in those early days. And he always followed it up with a self-deprecating BS comment like, "I guess I'm just a horrible person." or "I guess I just suck." I was always left scratching my head because these comments were absurd & out of place & were never in response to anything I'd actually said.... I wasn't understanding that it was his internal judgment lashing out externally.
What you describe about still having out of control arguments reminds me a lot of my RAH's behavior in early recovery, after that pink cloud period wore off. It went on for 2 yrs before he got serious about recovery & now the difference is night & day. How long has your husband been sober?
More importantly, what are you doing for YOU during all of this?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Ah, sorry, I misunderstood. Thanks for clarifying, it didn't sound like something a psychologist would do (a good one, anyway).
Well, I don't know that it would necessarily lead to murder/suicide (though someone trained in lethality assessment could give you a better idea), but his behavior still can be a sign of serious danger.
Talk to some DV experts. They can help you take a realistic look at the situation and help you decide how to stay safe. Remember, too, that emotional/psychological abuse is also very harmful. I've worked with many victims who said that that kind of abuse actually hurt more, and longer, than the physical abuse.
Well, I don't know that it would necessarily lead to murder/suicide (though someone trained in lethality assessment could give you a better idea), but his behavior still can be a sign of serious danger.
Talk to some DV experts. They can help you take a realistic look at the situation and help you decide how to stay safe. Remember, too, that emotional/psychological abuse is also very harmful. I've worked with many victims who said that that kind of abuse actually hurt more, and longer, than the physical abuse.
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