Dimndaruf

I've been married to my husband for almost 4 years and we have 2 beautiful children together (they're the only reason my marriage lasted this long). He's been to inpatient twice and is currently 45 days sober. Through all the binges he's managed to still keep his job, mainly because his mom is a big wig in the company and he's in the union. Through all the car accidents and close calls he still has a license (he has angels). I've been through the greatest amount on stress, fear and feeling like a 24 hr security guard. There came a time when I decided to leave because I feared for my children's life as well as mine and my well-being/livelihood. I knew I would eventually have a nervous breakdown if I stayed.

My question is why is it that they see the trauma and stress that you've endured but make you feel like sh*t when you take action to save yourself and your children? I'm the bad wife who doesn't take her vows as seriously as he does! He's the one who has the emails and texts to his ex with all the "I love you's" and the "I miss you's". I've never emotionally or physically cheated on this man but he will find the smallest thing about any man from my past to blow up. Why does he minimize all his wrong doings and maximize mine? Why am I so quick to forgive but he holds onto everything and lets it fester for weeks and months at a time? I know they are emotionally immature but even when you handle them with kids gloves, break everything in terms where they SHOULD be able to understand it's like they still don't....all they fell is THEIR emotions......WTF!!! What about my feelings?? What about my hurt, anger, resentments, fear and the person that I used to be that is no longer? What about ME?

And then I still find myself trying to work things out...why am I trying? Will he ever see or care about my needs and feeling?

SparkleKitty

People project blame onto others when they are not able to accept responsibility for themselves (this is true of addicts and non-addicts alike). It matters less why he does it than that it is behavior that is unacceptable to you. We so often want the ones who hurt us to be the ones to heal us (I used to call that "closure"), but the only person who make you feel confident, secure and happy is you.

Liveitwell

If he's newly sober, give it a long time for him to level out. From what I hear-it is a complete overhaul and really screws with them for a while to be sober (while working recovery program). He may or may not ever express remorse for his actions-maybe he will, maybe he will not. Expecting him to do that will only lead to more resentment. Do you have a counselor? For YOU, you need to work on your anger, resentment, etc-the things you identified-so that you can be good for yourself and your kiddos. Btw-alcoholics will hold on to the smallest thing, or anything, for years and years and years-they truly never get over anything and use it as a weapon in the present-it's the emotional immaturity of a gnat.
(I have two kids with an alcoholic and I was halfway to a nervous breakdown before I finally opened my eyes and took Gods hand to get help-boy oh boy did I need help. Alcoholism takes down a marriage-as much as my ex turned into someone different, so had I. I fought my way back. Forgiveness is key-it releases you).

AnvilheadII

the use of alcohol can't always be to blame for someone's behavior.....some people are just jerks, drunk or sober. it sounds like you found yourself a King Baby.....a tyrant with the mindset of a toddler.

quit looking to him or anyone to VALIDATE your feelings....they are yours, and yours alone. if you are unhappy than it is YOUR job to take the necessary steps to change that. he doesn't sound capable, because there is no room in his emotional playroom for anyone else.

as long as he can make YOU out to be the bad guy and you willing take on the guilt and then try to make things better, he's off the hook! he doesn't have to be responsible, and he doesn't have to make any amends or reparations.