Daughter making our lives hell
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 2
Daughter making our lives hell
Our daughter is 18 and I feel terrible but I want her out of our house. She has been disrespectful for years and I am starting to realize that I have continuously tried to improve our relationship by taking care of everything. I guess I am an enabler and I need help to learn it is ok to stop.
She moved out 5 months ago after finishing high school. We bought her furniture and everything she needed for the place but really never got thanks. She started to have parties constantly. About 2 months in she told me she needed to get away from everyone and wanted to come home. I hired a mover and when we showed up she refused to come to the door and called me all kinds of names for bothering her. She eventually got fired from her job and evicted. I had seen it coming and took her car (which we pay for) but gave it back when she cried and told me how it was my fault she was fired because I had taken her transportation.
The last night of the apartment she had a big party and was arrested. We bailed her out of jail and brought her home. She was drunk that night. A week later she was arrested for more serious charges - she was drunk again. We bailed her out this time too. She had a new job now and we had faith she would play by the rules so we allowed her to use her car for work and school only. Within a week she was arrested for drunk driving and put in jail. This time we didn't bail her out and instead got her into rehab. After the time in jail and rehab she came home and I could see the difference it was wonderful. About a week after she was home I started noticing she was back to talking to the old friends and her attitude was disrespectful. She was ordered by the court to leave her job as it was in a bar and required to do community service and attend AA.
We let her use her car so she could get to meetings and community service but watched as her attitude continued to worsen. Two weeks ago she was picked up by friends and came home in time to blow into her pbt for probation. She blew dirty and was sentenced to 2 weekends in jail She just finished with that last weekend. Two nights ago she left to go to an AA meeting and four hours later was not home and would not answer her phone. We located her car (because we now have gps) and retrieved it. We parked another car behind it in the driveway and went to bed. When we got up the next morning we noticed she had moved the car behind it and there are scratches on her car. She admitted drinking but denied that she did the damage to the car. We took her in to her probation officer and she will likely have to go to jail again - I am almost relieved as clearly nothing we do has an impact. She still has pending charges for other cases and is still doing this.
I feel so much anger towards her, I feel like my daughter is dead and I don't know who this person is. She isn't working, we have been paying her court costs and the car she drives is in my name and I pay for it. I think I need to sell it but then I worry she won't go to community service, AA, etc. At the same time I just want her out of the house but my husband won't hear of making her leave. She calls me names and does nothing around the house. I feel like I am a hostage to what she is going to do next and that we are paying the price instead of her.
Any advice?
She moved out 5 months ago after finishing high school. We bought her furniture and everything she needed for the place but really never got thanks. She started to have parties constantly. About 2 months in she told me she needed to get away from everyone and wanted to come home. I hired a mover and when we showed up she refused to come to the door and called me all kinds of names for bothering her. She eventually got fired from her job and evicted. I had seen it coming and took her car (which we pay for) but gave it back when she cried and told me how it was my fault she was fired because I had taken her transportation.
The last night of the apartment she had a big party and was arrested. We bailed her out of jail and brought her home. She was drunk that night. A week later she was arrested for more serious charges - she was drunk again. We bailed her out this time too. She had a new job now and we had faith she would play by the rules so we allowed her to use her car for work and school only. Within a week she was arrested for drunk driving and put in jail. This time we didn't bail her out and instead got her into rehab. After the time in jail and rehab she came home and I could see the difference it was wonderful. About a week after she was home I started noticing she was back to talking to the old friends and her attitude was disrespectful. She was ordered by the court to leave her job as it was in a bar and required to do community service and attend AA.
We let her use her car so she could get to meetings and community service but watched as her attitude continued to worsen. Two weeks ago she was picked up by friends and came home in time to blow into her pbt for probation. She blew dirty and was sentenced to 2 weekends in jail She just finished with that last weekend. Two nights ago she left to go to an AA meeting and four hours later was not home and would not answer her phone. We located her car (because we now have gps) and retrieved it. We parked another car behind it in the driveway and went to bed. When we got up the next morning we noticed she had moved the car behind it and there are scratches on her car. She admitted drinking but denied that she did the damage to the car. We took her in to her probation officer and she will likely have to go to jail again - I am almost relieved as clearly nothing we do has an impact. She still has pending charges for other cases and is still doing this.
I feel so much anger towards her, I feel like my daughter is dead and I don't know who this person is. She isn't working, we have been paying her court costs and the car she drives is in my name and I pay for it. I think I need to sell it but then I worry she won't go to community service, AA, etc. At the same time I just want her out of the house but my husband won't hear of making her leave. She calls me names and does nothing around the house. I feel like I am a hostage to what she is going to do next and that we are paying the price instead of her.
Any advice?
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi cst, no wonder you're feeling angry and want her out. I know I'd feel the same.
The thing is you keep rescuing her from the consequences of her actions. Her entitled and disrespectful attitude has grown around the thought that she'll not be held to account. You know this is wrong, and you're getting resentful, and that makes everything worse.
I think you and your husband need to get on the same page, and that will probably involve talking it over with the help of a counsellor. If you can come to an agreement about the rules and boundaries you'll establish with your daughter, and she sees consistent calm action from both of you, she may get the message.
Make the hard decisions about the car but getting rid of it. She's driven drunk, damaged it and been disrespectful of you. Let her ride a bike or catch the bus. It's on her. Don't run after her in any way by doing her laundry, or anything she's capable of doing herself.
You may need help to set up strategies and carry them through and I urge you to find a counsellor who can give you practical advice on how to do this. She's likely to kick back at first and you have to get through that period with your resolve intact.
The thing is you keep rescuing her from the consequences of her actions. Her entitled and disrespectful attitude has grown around the thought that she'll not be held to account. You know this is wrong, and you're getting resentful, and that makes everything worse.
I think you and your husband need to get on the same page, and that will probably involve talking it over with the help of a counsellor. If you can come to an agreement about the rules and boundaries you'll establish with your daughter, and she sees consistent calm action from both of you, she may get the message.
Make the hard decisions about the car but getting rid of it. She's driven drunk, damaged it and been disrespectful of you. Let her ride a bike or catch the bus. It's on her. Don't run after her in any way by doing her laundry, or anything she's capable of doing herself.
You may need help to set up strategies and carry them through and I urge you to find a counsellor who can give you practical advice on how to do this. She's likely to kick back at first and you have to get through that period with your resolve intact.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome to SR, cst. You've come to the right place for support and education. I hope you can spend some time reading around the forum. Make sure not to miss the stickied stuff at the top of the page; it can be very helpful. Here's a thread from that area that might be a good starting point for you: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I think your feelings are valid. She IS holding you hostage, and you have every right to want that to end. You do not owe her a car, a place to live, or anything else. She is an adult and responsible for herself. She has no right to treat you rudely, and you have every right to say this is unacceptable and ask that she stop the behavior or leave your home.
I'd suggest attending some Alanon meetings, alone if need be or with your hub if he will go. You'll find a lot of help in learning how to deal with this situation.
There are plenty of folks who post in this section of the forum who have a parent, child or other relative that is the A in their life, while many others are married to the A or have an A boyfriend/girlfriend. However, you might want to check this section of the forum http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html too to see if you find additional help there; it is specifically people who have a relative who is the A. Either way, the shared experience and wisdom will be similar, but you may find the greatest help from reading/posting there as well as here.
I feel like I am a hostage to what she is going to do next and that we are paying the price instead of her.
I'd suggest attending some Alanon meetings, alone if need be or with your hub if he will go. You'll find a lot of help in learning how to deal with this situation.
There are plenty of folks who post in this section of the forum who have a parent, child or other relative that is the A in their life, while many others are married to the A or have an A boyfriend/girlfriend. However, you might want to check this section of the forum http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html too to see if you find additional help there; it is specifically people who have a relative who is the A. Either way, the shared experience and wisdom will be similar, but you may find the greatest help from reading/posting there as well as here.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Eugene Oregon
Posts: 306
No advice but I don't know how to tell you how much I appreciate your post. My daughter has been a very obvious alcoholic for years but love is blind and I didn't recognize it until I quit myself. You name it she's done it to us. I told my Mom the other day I'm ready to deal with her now -as I'm almost 6 months sober--after all what else could she do to me? It's not possible to hurt me anymore-- I'm numb to it. She's 27 now and has 2 girls 1 month and a one year old. She's cut back I know and had 2 healthy babies but I fear she is a 'dry' drunk simply because of being pregnant and breastfeeding. I know also she did still drink while pregnant and does while breastfeeding. We had a 'truce' lately but I haven't heard from her since I went to see her and my grand daughters, I left her Allen Carr's book Easy way to stop drinking--simply told her I was done with it and it helped me a lot. I don't know--she may have just been bleeding me for more money. You just can't help people if they don't want it--it's really sad but it's a patience thing. They have to know you're there but at the same time you have to step back to save yourself. I recommend a psychologist to deal with self guilt- that sort of thing, I'm in a therapy group right now that's really helping me, it's teaching me some coping skills. You sound like you're at the end of your rope-- but trust me-- it only gets worse! I'd love to say it gets better but until she gets her addiction under control-- the girl you knew and loved won't be around. I'm just really hoping with my example (of quitting) and her babies she doesn't stay mired in her addiction and rises above it but her boyfriend is also alcoholic so I don't know. Honestly I don't know where she gets it-- I never drank until she was years out of the house, but she spent a lot of time with my parents and I am only realizing now that although functioning alcoholics-- they drink much more than most people. Anyway thank you for your post-- I was up worrying about it last night for hours and I normally don't go to this board because it seems most people here and dealing with alcoholic significant others not their kids. It tears you up.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
You may want to look into setting up rules for your house and an ultimatum for her continuing to live under your roof. Right now she has no rules and gets to do whatever she wishes, with no consequence. That's not going to change her behavior.
Whatever you decide, though, you have to stick with it.
You may need to look into some professional or counselor guidance when doing this. Check into an al anon meeting, talk to others and see what kind of guidance you can get.
First - if you are going to let her keep using your car then I would suggest getting an ignition interlock device installed on that car so that she cannot operate it if she's had anything to drink. The cost will be less than bailing her out of jail next time. Do not allow her access to any other keys to vehicles, and lay down rules for when she is able to use that car.
I have a niece who just came home from rehab, and she and her mother wrote out and signed a contract of conditions for her to live at home. Here are some things they included:
- Cut contact with all "party" friends that would help her drink and do drugs, knowing what her problems were. Delete them from her contacts and social media, and let them know they were no longer welcome in her life.
- Daily curfew that has to be adhered to unless prior arrangements are made.
- Mandatory meetings for continued recovery.
Chores will be required to live in the house - decide on her responisibilities to contribute to the household.
- She must adhere to all rules set out in her probation. Community service, etc., to continue the privilege of having a roof over her head.
- Daily to-do list to keep her on schedule with recovery and to begin to insert order back into her life.
You decide what the repercussions are for failing any of these rules. Whatever you decide, though, you have to stick with it.
It's difficult to watch this, but you can't let her actions affect you. Number one, if she wrecks the car under your name and causes damage beyond what insurance will pay, you are responsible for that. You're essentially responsible for anything she does in that care (whether morally or legally).
It's very difficult to watch this kind of thing, and you should check out some local al anon meetings for support. You're not alone in this battle and you've got some healing to do from all this. As far as your daughter, instill some order and rules in the house (please get the interlock device for the car) and hope for the best - prepare for anything, though.
Whatever you decide, though, you have to stick with it.
You may need to look into some professional or counselor guidance when doing this. Check into an al anon meeting, talk to others and see what kind of guidance you can get.
First - if you are going to let her keep using your car then I would suggest getting an ignition interlock device installed on that car so that she cannot operate it if she's had anything to drink. The cost will be less than bailing her out of jail next time. Do not allow her access to any other keys to vehicles, and lay down rules for when she is able to use that car.
I have a niece who just came home from rehab, and she and her mother wrote out and signed a contract of conditions for her to live at home. Here are some things they included:
- Cut contact with all "party" friends that would help her drink and do drugs, knowing what her problems were. Delete them from her contacts and social media, and let them know they were no longer welcome in her life.
- Daily curfew that has to be adhered to unless prior arrangements are made.
- Mandatory meetings for continued recovery.
Chores will be required to live in the house - decide on her responisibilities to contribute to the household.
- She must adhere to all rules set out in her probation. Community service, etc., to continue the privilege of having a roof over her head.
- Daily to-do list to keep her on schedule with recovery and to begin to insert order back into her life.
You decide what the repercussions are for failing any of these rules. Whatever you decide, though, you have to stick with it.
It's difficult to watch this, but you can't let her actions affect you. Number one, if she wrecks the car under your name and causes damage beyond what insurance will pay, you are responsible for that. You're essentially responsible for anything she does in that care (whether morally or legally).
It's very difficult to watch this kind of thing, and you should check out some local al anon meetings for support. You're not alone in this battle and you've got some healing to do from all this. As far as your daughter, instill some order and rules in the house (please get the interlock device for the car) and hope for the best - prepare for anything, though.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
cst.....I have been through this sort of thing in the past.
It was like living in a nightmare.
I can tell you that you are not doing your daughter any favors. Any time you get between her and the natural consequences of her behavior....you are hurting her. Not to speak of the misery you are suffering, yourself.
Trust me, mom....she is a lot stronger than you are!! She is young and has a lot of reserve energy for the fight as well as the alcohol and the comfort of her bad influence "friends" to take the edge off. You have sleepless nights and a marriage in conflict to live with.......
A psychologist who was also a recovering alcoholic....and worked with acting out kids in the foster care system told me, once.....that nobody ever gets sober in their parents home (talking about adult children. Everything I have seen has told me that this is true.
You have a big problem in that you and your husband are not on the same page with this.
I can't comment further, as I know so very little about the whole family situation and dynamics.
I can suggest this.....find a long recovering alcoholic who is working as a counselor and ask your husband to go with you to see this person......Even better, if it is a man......(because of your husband).....
Above all, do not accept the victim role with your daughter.
I hope you will continue to post on SR....because you will get more help if you do. Honestly, I will tell you that I often post back to parents who are suffering with their adult children.....and I give them a long response...centered on making strong boundaries, first. They usually don't come back.
And, they seem reluctant to get the help that they really need.....they seem to want to "love it out",
This is hard on the parent---really hard. I know that better than I would like to...lol.
I really hope that you continue to post......
dandylion
It was like living in a nightmare.
I can tell you that you are not doing your daughter any favors. Any time you get between her and the natural consequences of her behavior....you are hurting her. Not to speak of the misery you are suffering, yourself.
Trust me, mom....she is a lot stronger than you are!! She is young and has a lot of reserve energy for the fight as well as the alcohol and the comfort of her bad influence "friends" to take the edge off. You have sleepless nights and a marriage in conflict to live with.......
A psychologist who was also a recovering alcoholic....and worked with acting out kids in the foster care system told me, once.....that nobody ever gets sober in their parents home (talking about adult children. Everything I have seen has told me that this is true.
You have a big problem in that you and your husband are not on the same page with this.
I can't comment further, as I know so very little about the whole family situation and dynamics.
I can suggest this.....find a long recovering alcoholic who is working as a counselor and ask your husband to go with you to see this person......Even better, if it is a man......(because of your husband).....
Above all, do not accept the victim role with your daughter.
I hope you will continue to post on SR....because you will get more help if you do. Honestly, I will tell you that I often post back to parents who are suffering with their adult children.....and I give them a long response...centered on making strong boundaries, first. They usually don't come back.
And, they seem reluctant to get the help that they really need.....they seem to want to "love it out",
This is hard on the parent---really hard. I know that better than I would like to...lol.
I really hope that you continue to post......
dandylion
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