Ally89

I am still riding the roller coaster of emotions over a month after the split with my XABF.

The last couple of weeks I have found things very difficult and feel very very angry.

I am angry with all the lies he told
Angry that there were probably more lies I do not even know about
Angry that I will never know when he changed and stopped loving me, or if he ever did
Angry that he kept me with him for so long under false pretenses, telling me our relationship was all that kept him going
Angry that he is able to manipulate his family who now after everything are in pictures on his FB with him drinking with them like none of this ever happened (btw I know what you will all be thinking I have not been looking him up, I do not even have FB but a friend of mine accidentally let slip and I have discussed my NC with her now)
Angry that he cheated on me and that my self esteem has been affected by this even though I know I can do 1000x better
Angry that I want answers that I deserve and will never get them
Angry that there are lies being spread about me and why we are no longer together because he is a liar and will have to have made up something good because to everyone else (including me) things were fine and the break up would not make any sense
Angry that he has so easily cut me out of his life after 5+ years as if it never happened and I never existed
Angry that I talk to my counselor for an hour ever week and still do not feel it is making any difference
Angry that I am in my final year of getting my legal qualification and I will never do as well as I should have because my brain is a mess
Angry at people who tell me I am a codependent enabler because I am a human being who tried to help someone I loved
Angry that the world continues to be the same whilst I want to stand on top of a building and scream so that everyone knows what has happened to me and that I exist

Hangnbyathread

Often it helps just to write them down as you did here.

I felt anger as you write about 80% of the same things.

Its OK to feel anger.

Its part of the healing process.

It will pass. It will get better.

You know you are getting better when you no longer feel angry. But you have to feel angry before you can feel better.

piove

to ally89
I have followed your posts for a while> maybe attracted by your anger and your "trashing" the new girlfriend
I am familiar with anger and the poisonous effect it has had on me for a long time. I have learned that anger is a secondary emotion, meant to distract me from overwhelming feelings of fear and hurt. Fear of the uncontrollable world, and hurt that I was not allowed to be me. Anger led me to believe that "I was right" and others were "wrong", and so I stayed stuck with it for a long time. When people did things that were awful, deceptive, hurtful etc, I protected myself by believing that I was "better". It did not help one iota to decrease the nagging feeling that I had about myself of not being ok with who I was and I am. I had to experience and feel that sadness, hurt and fear that I never allowed myself to feel, before my anger became less powerful.
. It required changing my attitudes towards the world , and accepting that I am powerless over others. Being unable to "control" others has given me the freedom to focus on myself, to honor my feelings and to mourn my losses, because I am worthy, regardless of what others feel or believe or do.
I hope that your anger melts away when you are ready, it is an experience that I can not describe but feels really good

Ally89

Thanks for your reply.

Just to clarify there is no new girlfriend so I do not think I have been "trashing" anyone but my post was quite ranting so perhaps it was not very clear. I was feeling overwhelmed and just wanted to have an outlet.

I agree that carrying anger is not healthy and I want to let go of it because in the end it will only hurt me but at the same time I have spent so long suppressing it and being a doormat that I think I am overdue some expression of it. I am happy you are able to view things this way and hope with more time my feelings will change too

amy55

Ally, express your anger anyway that you want. I get you, I really do. I know how much it hurts to be treated like you didn't even exist.

I was married over 27 years, I lowered my boundaries so much that I was willing to accept, just treat me like I exist. (lol) Didn't work, he couldn't even do that.

I think this anger is the beginning of acceptance of all of the denial that you had put yourself through. Yes, anger is an emotion, it really depends on how you use that emotion.

I think you are putting your anger to good use. You are now opening up your eyes to how your were treated, and that you will never accept that behavior again.

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy

PS: You do exist, and I for one think you are a terrific person !!!!!

Liveitwell

Ally-go reread some of my threads...and others...dealing with anger is just a part of this. I was angry at so many things-how he treated me when drunk, how even when he was physically here he wasn't present, how he treated his own kids, angry at myself for believing him and believing in him, angry at myself for getting so twisted , angry at myself for turning into someone that would lecture instead of love, and believing him when he told me he was the only person that even liked me and nobody liked me so I'd be alone if I left him....yeah....I was a little angry...and that's the tip of the iceberg. Anger subsided when I truly accepted him for who he was-and realized I wanted no part of his lies, etc ever again. Anger still comes and goes and I think it's natural. But stop yourself and give it to God...just lay it at the cross....it helps stop fighting yourself and asking why and did he ever really love me....
Anyway, just my thoughts. Peace to you!

NYCDoglvr

I find anger and resentment very difficult to endure. Initially I felt the same anger you did ... until I acknowledged that I picked the guy and stayed much longer than was healthy. The real issue was my codependency and changing in Alanon so I won't make the same mistake again.

firebolt

Exercise, cleaning, yard work - physical exertion seems to help me expel anger and negative energy. Literally - sweat it out. It's helped me SO MUCH - I was an ANGRY SOB for a few years! We ARE allowed to feel it and then let it go...crappy thing is as active codies, we generally take it all to the extreme, and are not so good at the 'letting it go' part...and sometimes we can give it a shove by letting it manifest physically....on the elliptical, or on a pile of leaves

FireSprite

This is a great share piove - I think you may be thinking of a different member though - maybe alybally's posts are the ones you were referring to above?

Ally89 - This is actually a really GREAT topic & I know that you'll turn up tons of awesome shares about it if you do an advanced search using the word "anger" to search just thread titles alone.

For me, anger can be very motivating but also incapacitating if I don't use it's energy - like, transmute it into something else. Like firebolt, I sweat, move, break it out. I found that I *have* to ~ otherwise it ends up rooting down inside of me as a resentment... then what started as legitimate anger transforms into self-martyring..... like choosing to touch a hot stove & then crying that I got burned.

Your list is awesome - KEEP GOING. Getting it out is healthy, and for me it was like a new exercise that I had to practice because my instinct was to stuff the feelings down. Calling it out by name, labeling it what it really is & working through it helped me tremendously.

Shake909

That's an impressive and totally justified anger list you have there!

Easy for me to say but try and focus on some positives - you have your health, what sounds like a decent career ahead of you... maybe try and hook up with some friends to take your mind off things.
I find exercise is a massive winner for me too if I'm feeling angry or low... my bicycle takes the full wrath sometimes, gets the endorphins going which clears the head!

The worst is behind you now, things can only get better...

AnvilheadII

i think it can helpful and enlightening when we separate our Anger List....what we are mad at others for and what we are mad at ourselves for.

teatreeoil007

Ally-

Good on you for making that list...not only putting your angry feelings out there in words, also giving the REASONS you are angry. Never let anyone tell you you have no RIGHT to be angry...if you're angry you're angry and the anger needs to be dealt with and resolved...if you hold anger inside I think it eventually turns into depression....It can also turn into resentment and passive-aggressiveness when you don't resolve your anger with someone else...

I've tried to use the assertiveness formula when I feel angry with someone and here is how it goes:

I feel ___________ when you _____________ because __________. Starting the sentence with "I" tends to make it so you don't come across as lashing out at the person.

I cope with anger by trying to express it...hopefully in ways that are not hurtful...perhaps a lot of addicts turn to substances to cope with their anger...frustration can also turn into anger, I think...Some people turn their anger into action...whether it be healthy action as in DOING something about it in a constructive way...one time my sister told me I was overweight and that hurt, but then it made me feel angry...her being skinny didn't help...I was maybe 15 pounds overweight, not a huge deal, but when you are a teenager 5 pounds overweight makes you feel self conscious...ANYWAY...I took the anger I felt and started to do something to lose the weight, but more importantly to get fit! I suppose another alternative would have been to stuff myself with food...and become even more overweight...

Some people are able to explore their angry feelings with music...anger usually stems from hurt/pain and there is a lot of music out there that deals with painful feelings...

teatreeoil007

This reminds me of me...when my house is really clean sometimes it means I gone on a tear because my husband has pi**ed me off or something...and I've been known to bang a few pots and pans too...thx for your post...some of the best work-outs for me have been when I've feel a bit peeved!

Ladywind

You are doing great. I would be more worried if I had no anger at being treated like a doormat. I hear you. I write poetry and express much of my anger there for being so stupid. Forgive yourself. Your intentions were good, but some people are just too selfish and will suck the life out of you.

<o>Loose compassion<o>

Turn your eyes away-
look forward.
See no evil.
Hear no evil.
Speak no evil.
Tune it out,
turn it off.
Give nothing,
but a smile,
a toss of hair
and your back.

IH

<o>Venom<o>

You tell me YOU HATE ME
with capital letters.
I do not understand
the capacity for such venom?

Was it that your expectations
of a submissive wife - easy to fool -
was slippery in your dodgy grasp?

Ah, honeycombed busyness!
Don't stop honey, you may have to see
what bee you have created
in your Circus Mirrors.

Pause, take a deep breathe.
Your fresh start is a continuum,
Hexagons, boxes, circles, infinite circles.
Addiction coos, sweeter than a wife's rebuke and embrace.

IH
Find something creative, constructive to do with your anger. Praying for you, hugs
: )