New husband - finally realized he's alcoholic. Help!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 2
New husband - finally realized he's alcoholic. Help!
Hi. I'm new to this board and hope for some insights. I'm a newlywed of 6 weeks, and have realized to my horror that my new husband is an alcoholic. The sad part is that I left him more than 6 months ago because of his drinking, anger, mood swings and generally miserable behavior. Predictably (I see now), once I left him, he quit drinking, made many positive changes, won me back and convinced me to marry him. I did so with a few concerns, but love him and took the chance. Now I feel duped. In less than a week he resumed drinking to the point of passing out several nights a week (I can't wake him at all, so it's not normal sleep). Slowly the other bad behavior is creeping back: anger, yelling, moodiness, subtle blaming of me ("You always put me in the doghouse. You make me feel horrible. I'm always in trouble with you.")
I finally faced it: He is an alcoholic. What I thought for the longest time was depression, borderline personality disorder, ADD, OCD, you name it, REALLY is alcoholism (although I believe he has one or more of those other issues as well). I've talked nicely with him about this several times (after many fights), then finally confronted him yesterday, saying he needed to move out and we would be separated and potentially divorced if he did not quit drinking and seek treatment. He was surprised, agreed to "try his best" and to go to both indiviudal and couples counseling, and asked for my help. For many reasons, I've allowed him to stay and hope (perhaps foolishly) that he will finally face and deal with his alcoholism.
Concurrent with this, I've realized how codependent I've become. I find this incomprehensible, as I broke free of it once, but he somehow hooked me in again. It's like weight gain: so slow you don't notice it until you're overweight. I have all the classic behaviors that I won't list here. Suffice to say, I recognize it, am going to counseling, reading a bunch of books for families of alcoholics, going to Al-Anon, etc. This gives me some stability, but it's SO HARD when the man you live with and love has turned into a monster (a hard word, but that's how he acts when he's drunk).
Last night was weird: He didn't drink, but was visibly depressed and withdrawn. He tried mightily to manipulate me over hosting a dinner party I've planned (sulking, silent treatment, withdrawing to the bedroom, refusing to come to the table for dinner). I finally said, "You agreed to do more social things with me before we married. I'm going to host this party. You can stay and enjoy it, or leave for the evening. And I'm not letting you manipulate me over this." Then I sat down to dinner alone.
Later when I commented on a money issue, he tried the old "You always make me feel bad. I'm tired of being in trouble." I said, "I'm sorry you feel that way. It's a misperception and was not my intent. I'm not a bad person to state my own feelings, and I won't let you manipulate me over this." Then I walked off.
He seems baffled by all this. I have no idea he he'll get help like he promises, actually quit, or if this is another battle in the war. Strangely, that's what it feels like to me: He's waging a war against me, and I just caught on. He smirked at me shortly after we were married and I was chasing my tail trying to make him happy, "So, who conquered whom?" WHAT??!! And to think I thought marriage was about love.
Any advice for me? I'm SO EASILY sucked into his manipulations, and I feel SO BAD and guilty when he cries and acts all hurt. How do I stay strong without being a witch?
I finally faced it: He is an alcoholic. What I thought for the longest time was depression, borderline personality disorder, ADD, OCD, you name it, REALLY is alcoholism (although I believe he has one or more of those other issues as well). I've talked nicely with him about this several times (after many fights), then finally confronted him yesterday, saying he needed to move out and we would be separated and potentially divorced if he did not quit drinking and seek treatment. He was surprised, agreed to "try his best" and to go to both indiviudal and couples counseling, and asked for my help. For many reasons, I've allowed him to stay and hope (perhaps foolishly) that he will finally face and deal with his alcoholism.
Concurrent with this, I've realized how codependent I've become. I find this incomprehensible, as I broke free of it once, but he somehow hooked me in again. It's like weight gain: so slow you don't notice it until you're overweight. I have all the classic behaviors that I won't list here. Suffice to say, I recognize it, am going to counseling, reading a bunch of books for families of alcoholics, going to Al-Anon, etc. This gives me some stability, but it's SO HARD when the man you live with and love has turned into a monster (a hard word, but that's how he acts when he's drunk).
Last night was weird: He didn't drink, but was visibly depressed and withdrawn. He tried mightily to manipulate me over hosting a dinner party I've planned (sulking, silent treatment, withdrawing to the bedroom, refusing to come to the table for dinner). I finally said, "You agreed to do more social things with me before we married. I'm going to host this party. You can stay and enjoy it, or leave for the evening. And I'm not letting you manipulate me over this." Then I sat down to dinner alone.
Later when I commented on a money issue, he tried the old "You always make me feel bad. I'm tired of being in trouble." I said, "I'm sorry you feel that way. It's a misperception and was not my intent. I'm not a bad person to state my own feelings, and I won't let you manipulate me over this." Then I walked off.
He seems baffled by all this. I have no idea he he'll get help like he promises, actually quit, or if this is another battle in the war. Strangely, that's what it feels like to me: He's waging a war against me, and I just caught on. He smirked at me shortly after we were married and I was chasing my tail trying to make him happy, "So, who conquered whom?" WHAT??!! And to think I thought marriage was about love.
Any advice for me? I'm SO EASILY sucked into his manipulations, and I feel SO BAD and guilty when he cries and acts all hurt. How do I stay strong without being a witch?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
I think actions speak louder than words.
Are you prepared to follow up on having him move if he doesn't stop?
I think he'll be testing that soon, so be ready.
Work on yourself, and get your plan B in order.
If he's serious, you won't need it, but if not, you are prepared.
Are you prepared to follow up on having him move if he doesn't stop?
I think he'll be testing that soon, so be ready.
Work on yourself, and get your plan B in order.
If he's serious, you won't need it, but if not, you are prepared.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Originally Posted by Isabel007 
Any advice for me? I'm SO EASILY sucked into his manipulations, and I feel SO BAD and guilty when he cries and acts all hurt. How do I stay strong without being a witch?
I'm sorry you're going through this. I can sure relate to that^^^
Keep reading and posting here. Go to Al-anon. Be good to yourself, and put yourself first!!
Sending you strength
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Isabel.....yes, I agree with getting your plans together. When an alcoholic is forced to stop drinking from the pressure of someone else....it is usually short-lived. The motivation has to come from within themselves.
Just so you know....an alcoholic in a program and working hard on their sobriety....still takes 1 to 2yrs. in the early recovery stage.
Even so....the spouse is often not prepared for how difficult the recovery period can be....many times, worse than the original drinking (for a variety of reasons).
The tools of detaching, etc. may not be enough in an abusive situation. I don't know how far the abuse has gotten.....but, it always gets worse if they don't stop drinking and get into a genuine recovery program----and stick with it.
You need to think about your own happiness......because he cannot......
I know that this is not what you probably want to hear.....but, I think you deserve to hear the truth.....
dandylion
Just so you know....an alcoholic in a program and working hard on their sobriety....still takes 1 to 2yrs. in the early recovery stage.
Even so....the spouse is often not prepared for how difficult the recovery period can be....many times, worse than the original drinking (for a variety of reasons).
The tools of detaching, etc. may not be enough in an abusive situation. I don't know how far the abuse has gotten.....but, it always gets worse if they don't stop drinking and get into a genuine recovery program----and stick with it.
You need to think about your own happiness......because he cannot......
I know that this is not what you probably want to hear.....but, I think you deserve to hear the truth.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
your "marriage" is, IMHO, pretty much a sham....you felt strongly enough 6 months ago to LEAVE, and he made all the proper noises of quitting, changing, being a better man, and you took him at his word and proceeded with the marriage.
no sooner where the I Do's done, then he reverted to his "normal" self - an angry abusive drunk.
at 6 weeks in, i'd be strongly considering an annulment. it is possible you have grounds to do so, but that would best be discussed with an attorney.
this isn't likely to get any better.....and this is NO WAY to start a marriage. if you null and void the "marriage" you can then step back and observe how he acts and reacts (not what he SAYS he is GOING to do" and do so safely without any legal entanglements.
no sooner where the I Do's done, then he reverted to his "normal" self - an angry abusive drunk.
at 6 weeks in, i'd be strongly considering an annulment. it is possible you have grounds to do so, but that would best be discussed with an attorney.
this isn't likely to get any better.....and this is NO WAY to start a marriage. if you null and void the "marriage" you can then step back and observe how he acts and reacts (not what he SAYS he is GOING to do" and do so safely without any legal entanglements.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
OP-almost ten years ago I was promised it would never happen again and that he would never hurt me. It took 9 years to realize he was not telling the truth-or wasn't able to stop drinking/acting abusively or didn't care to stop either. I spent years of my life feeling bad for him and always believing in him and hoping - always hoping bc I knew there was a good guy there. Don't go down the same path I did-it does not get better...it will get worse....I think all of us here that left our spouses can attest to just how bad it did get for us to finally leave.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 13
I had a similar experience. It took me 4 years to get to the point of realising that he wasn't going to change with me there so I moved out. After 6 months of regular counselling with a highly experienced couples therapist and him being committed enough to not drink we now live together again and things have turned a corner. I'm now on here because I realise that I to have some issues with drinking. At the end of the day I was lucky that I really did mean enough to my husband for him to change not just his drinking but his behaviours as well. I also realise now that he had to face loosing me completely before he felt motivated to do so. I wish I had done this much earlier in our marriage!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 4
The first thing I learned in al anon was not to make an ultimatum that I could not follow through with. I made many and did not follow through and all it taught my boyfriend now soon to be ex husband was that he had the power to do as he pleased. He'd "sober up" or pretend to anyway just to pacify me long enough to let the ultimatum stay and then drink eventually. When I did not follow through with leaving or kicking him out it proved that I was not serious and reinforced the behavior of pretend sobriety to pacify me long enough for me to feel like there was hope of sobriety and then I'd let him stay. When we married he was working a very effective pretend sober program, did the steps, a month after "I do" he was drinking again. I wish I could tell my younger self to have divorced him then and there but my pride would not allow it. I spiraled in my addiction and am finally in recovery now, divorce pending. But I can tell you as an alcoholic/addict that you are at best his second love. Drugs and alcohol are first. And nothing stopped my spiral until the drugs and alcohol could not kill me and I could not keep the substances down anymore. God forced me to recover lol But I say that because I did not give a d@mn about who I took along the way. You were either with me (helping me get what I needed) or against me (trying to get me away from my vices). I am not blaming him for my addiction spiraling but I wished that I had gotten out when I did from him because now even in the final stages of divorce he does not believe me to be serious. It has led to long delays because I have always gone and backed down on what I said. If you are unable yet to leave because I've been there too, my best advice is to not make any statements about what you will and will not tolerate or do until you know 110% that you WILL follow through. If he wanted to be sober he would not need your prompting, he would be asking you things like "can you check me into detox/rehab" or he would be going to AA on his own. No amount of marriage counseling is going to change his mind about getting sober, he's buying time to make you think he's serious so you'll let him stay, not because he loves you but because you are providing a service to allow him to drink more easily. Threats, counseling and whatever else are a small price to pay for him to have two incomes to drink on. And shelter and someone to sleep with consistently. Harsh but true if he is an unrecoverable alcoholic. I've been on both sides and I know what people were for me when I was active and I've been used too. But I allowed it. You've already told him to move out and reneged on that so he knows how to play you now. Being strong is not "being a witch" he's using your own good nature against you. If you want to be separated, ask him to leave and follow through. But if you can't I would advise saying nothing until you know what you will do and then say it and do it. That way he doesn't have as much guilt and blame to lay on you. Do not allow him to know how to manipulate you beyond what he already knows. He won't be able to use you against you. My husband knew I would leave if he didn't stop smoking pot and drinking. I told him. Then I dropped it. Because I cannot get him sober anymore than him working out for me will make me skinny. I had a time line in my mind of how long I'd wait and see, and I told him I loved him whether he drank or not. He knew at that point that I would leave if he didn't stop, that I loved him regardless (and still do) BUT he kept drinking. Clear sign he did not want sobriety at that time. I left. Best decision I ever made (leaving). Because it only gets worse, I can promise you that.
But I say that because I did not give a d@mn about who I took along the way. You were either with me (helping me get what I needed) or against me (trying to get me away from my vices). I am not blaming him for my addiction spiraling but I wished that I had gotten out when I did from him because now even in the final stages of divorce he does not believe me to be serious. It has led to long delays because I have always gone and backed down on what I said. If you are unable yet to leave because I've been there too, my best advice is to not make any statements about what you will and will not tolerate or do until you know 110% that you WILL follow through. If he wanted to be sober he would not need your prompting, he would be asking you things like "can you check me into detox/rehab" or he would be going to AA on his own. No amount of marriage counseling is going to change his mind about getting sober, he's buying time to make you think he's serious so you'll let him stay, not because he loves you but because you are providing a service to allow him to drink more easily. Threats, counseling and whatever else are a small price to pay for him to have two incomes to drink on. And shelter and someone to sleep with consistently. Harsh but true if he is an unrecoverable alcoholic. I've been on both sides and I know what people were for me when I was active and I've been used too. But I allowed it. You've already told him to move out and reneged on that so he knows how to play you now. Being strong is not "being a witch" he's using your own good nature against you. If you want to be separated, ask him to leave and follow through. But if you can't I would advise saying nothing until you know what you will do and then say it and do it. That way he doesn't have as much guilt and blame to lay on you. Do not allow him to know how to manipulate you beyond what he already knows. He won't be able to use you against you. My husband knew I would leave if he didn't stop smoking pot and drinking. I told him. Then I dropped it. Because I cannot get him sober anymore than him working out for me will make me skinny. I had a time line in my mind of how long I'd wait and see, and I told him I loved him whether he drank or not. He knew at that point that I would leave if he didn't stop, that I loved him regardless (and still do) BUT he kept drinking. Clear sign he did not want sobriety at that time. I left. Best decision I ever made (leaving). Because it only gets worse, I can promise you that.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
