jjj111

I'm feeling frustrated and guess I just want to vent. I have a dear old friend who I keep in touch with mostly online, and we visit in person now and then. She lives halfway across the country. We were good friends in our 20s and both of us drank too much. I have since gotten into recovery and quit drinking, and it seemed like she had mellowed out a lot too since she had a daughter five years ago, but several times over the past year she has mentioned that she feels like she's drinking too much and wants to moderate or quit. I always suggest AA to her, but she says it's "not for her". This happened again today--she apparently got very drunk after a funeral and now feels like she should quit again, but AA is not for her. I've realized that people who drink or allow drinking around their kids are a trigger for me. My parents were both alcoholics, and I get very frustrated when I hear of other kids suffering because of alcoholism. So it's so hard for me to just let it go! I shrugged it off when she refused AA again today, but it's been rankling me all morning. So here I am to vent a little, and to try to focus on turning her and her daughter over to a higher power. This isn't mine to fix. Thanks for letting me vent.

FeelingGreat

Hi JJ, if she's knows she's drinking too much she also knows she has to fix it. Be a quiet example for her.
I didn't use AA myself because it made me uncomfortable, but still managed to stop drinking, so there are other things she can do. One thought is that she might have a browse around SR.

PHIZ007

Yep I understand your frustration and as you rightly said it isn't yours to fix and you did the best thing for yourself by posting right here.

I totally get your frustration especially as you have been here before with your friend.

We can't fix it for them....they have to want it for themselves.

Sometimes it sucks!

Take care Phiz

atalose

My recovery has helped me understand that when someone mentions a negative happening in their lives, I don't have to have a solution, I can just listen.

Most often than not they are not asking me for a solution or my help, they merely are venting.

If she is a trigger then put more distance in your relationship. Don't email daily or talk daily.

jjj111

Thanks, guys. I do think she will have to do this on her own, and maybe I do need to distance myself. I wrote her back and told her I was sorry to hear she's struggling and I know how hard it can be, and she wrote back and totally shifted course, said that she really isn't that worried about her drinking, that it's more her daughter's behavior problems that are stressing her out. She doesn't see the connection and shifts the blame to the stresses of parenting after these brief moments of clarity about her drinking. So yes, I think I've got to let her be because I don't seem to be capable of being a good friend without getting frustrated and judgmental. It's funny, I didn't even really think about distancing myself until atalose suggested it. I have this idea of loyalty under all circumstances so deeply ingrained in me.

teatreeoil007

Man that sounds very frustrating!