I ruined it for him
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Goodmorning FTS...
I reread something you posted and it got me thinking about the difference between abuse and alcoholism.
I too once left an abusive relationship. Two, actually. I used the technique of keeping my mouth shut and keeping the peace... not rocking the boat, until the day came that I could leave. That is a survival technique. Unfortunately, as a codependent I learned this behavior as a response to my environment growing up with an alcoholic-speed addicted/ mentally abusive father. And so in my adult relationships, I subconsciously found partners where I could use this "tool". And it IS a survival tool. When you finally do get out of this relationship, you'll have to go through a period of unlearning things like this. I think I heard Dr Phil say something like 'sometimes we learn survival tools as a child that work for us and that is okay... but as an adult that tool no longer serves us'.... And well, I think that tool still has some great use to you here.
And I can see why you NEED to change that! Lately I have been working on saying what I mean to say. This is a big one for me! I'm so darn traumatized that in a normal setting I still feel that if I speak up in opposition that the person will become angry with me and somehow take a piece of my soul! Totally not true, of course, but that's how deeply I felt it... feel it. I'Lol have to work on that one daily probably forever.
A lot of codependent people find themselves needing to speak up, right? That will be a positive journey for you....... when the time is right. Right now is not that time. Right now is about survival. Right now might be the time to try out your faith in a higher power (sorry!!! I hope that's applicable here; totally don't want to corner you with that one!).... Faith can sometimes feel like nothing is being done and there are no answers and all you can do is hang on for dear life. Until one day, all the little decisions you made add up to a brighter day.
I'm wondering if there is a neighboring city that could provide a DV safe house for you for a while....?
Thinking of you....
I reread something you posted and it got me thinking about the difference between abuse and alcoholism.
I too once left an abusive relationship. Two, actually. I used the technique of keeping my mouth shut and keeping the peace... not rocking the boat, until the day came that I could leave. That is a survival technique. Unfortunately, as a codependent I learned this behavior as a response to my environment growing up with an alcoholic-speed addicted/ mentally abusive father. And so in my adult relationships, I subconsciously found partners where I could use this "tool". And it IS a survival tool. When you finally do get out of this relationship, you'll have to go through a period of unlearning things like this. I think I heard Dr Phil say something like 'sometimes we learn survival tools as a child that work for us and that is okay... but as an adult that tool no longer serves us'.... And well, I think that tool still has some great use to you here.
And I can see why you NEED to change that! Lately I have been working on saying what I mean to say. This is a big one for me! I'm so darn traumatized that in a normal setting I still feel that if I speak up in opposition that the person will become angry with me and somehow take a piece of my soul! Totally not true, of course, but that's how deeply I felt it... feel it. I'Lol have to work on that one daily probably forever.
A lot of codependent people find themselves needing to speak up, right? That will be a positive journey for you....... when the time is right. Right now is not that time. Right now is about survival. Right now might be the time to try out your faith in a higher power (sorry!!! I hope that's applicable here; totally don't want to corner you with that one!).... Faith can sometimes feel like nothing is being done and there are no answers and all you can do is hang on for dear life. Until one day, all the little decisions you made add up to a brighter day.
I'm wondering if there is a neighboring city that could provide a DV safe house for you for a while....?
Thinking of you....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Free, we want to support you, and a lot of people here have dealt with some combination of alcoholism and abuse. The advice you are getting about keeping quiet is a coping strategy for staying, because you had expressed your desire to wait until after your surgery to leave. It is not a long-term solution, in large part because who wants to spend their life pretending to love and obey an abusive partner? It sounds like this coping strategy has become very difficult for you for just that reason. So maybe it's time to really think through how to get out? We're here to help.
But of course the first steps are up to you. Deciding whether you want to go or you want to try to make him go is a decision you'll have to make, but we can certainly talk you through it when you're ready to talk. And I have a feeling that once you have decided whether to stay and kick him out or whether to go, you can get some more solid advice about getting a restraining order, or having the police present when you leave, or various other steps you could take. And you could probably get more specific advice and support from the dv people in your community, too, once you have decided you are done with him and thought about which way you want to go in ending things. Are you still in touch with the dv woman who drove you to your last surgery? Could you contact her? We are all routing for you.
I was told at some point in my recovery that one of the traps that recovering people fall into is comparing out. When we start focusing on the difference between us and the people in our support group instead of focusing on the similarities, it's a way of distancing ourselves and reinforcing the notion that we are alone. But you have a lot in common with the people here, and we're all in this with you.
But of course the first steps are up to you. Deciding whether you want to go or you want to try to make him go is a decision you'll have to make, but we can certainly talk you through it when you're ready to talk. And I have a feeling that once you have decided whether to stay and kick him out or whether to go, you can get some more solid advice about getting a restraining order, or having the police present when you leave, or various other steps you could take. And you could probably get more specific advice and support from the dv people in your community, too, once you have decided you are done with him and thought about which way you want to go in ending things. Are you still in touch with the dv woman who drove you to your last surgery? Could you contact her? We are all routing for you.
I was told at some point in my recovery that one of the traps that recovering people fall into is comparing out. When we start focusing on the difference between us and the people in our support group instead of focusing on the similarities, it's a way of distancing ourselves and reinforcing the notion that we are alone. But you have a lot in common with the people here, and we're all in this with you.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Thanks everyone for taking the time to share your thoughts. I really do appreciate it.
Yes, I could give him the boot RIGHT now. It is my house. I pay the mortgage every month.
He also has two children that will get the boot with him.
Yes we have a college and medical center here, but in good ol' Nebraska, we think little of things such as domestic abuse and there simply isn't much available.
Yes, I'm divorcing this person. But it doesn't change my anger, my sadness, and the overwhelming crap that comes with it all.
Yes, he's still dry. Yes he's still abusive, and yes I'm still pissed. When I said that maybe I was trying to start a fight to end it sooner, it was more of an inner soul question. It was more of a looking at my OWN behavior. I never actually started the fight. He's not physically violent when he's dry, just verbally. Now I'm not saying that he COULDN'T get violent.... But he wouldn't over me bitchin about porn. Now over me giving him the boot? Yes, maybe. But I've planned for that.
My surgery is this Thursday. I'm biding my time.
Absolutely, I'm done. There is no question about that. It's just a matter of time. Time and patience. But am I going to allow myself to get railroaded in the meantime, no. Am I asking for trouble? When you're with an abuser, you are always in trouble, so it really doesn't matter anyway.
Hugs!
Yes, I could give him the boot RIGHT now. It is my house. I pay the mortgage every month.
He also has two children that will get the boot with him.
Yes we have a college and medical center here, but in good ol' Nebraska, we think little of things such as domestic abuse and there simply isn't much available.
Yes, I'm divorcing this person. But it doesn't change my anger, my sadness, and the overwhelming crap that comes with it all.
Yes, he's still dry. Yes he's still abusive, and yes I'm still pissed. When I said that maybe I was trying to start a fight to end it sooner, it was more of an inner soul question. It was more of a looking at my OWN behavior. I never actually started the fight. He's not physically violent when he's dry, just verbally. Now I'm not saying that he COULDN'T get violent.... But he wouldn't over me bitchin about porn. Now over me giving him the boot? Yes, maybe. But I've planned for that.
My surgery is this Thursday. I'm biding my time.
Absolutely, I'm done. There is no question about that. It's just a matter of time. Time and patience. But am I going to allow myself to get railroaded in the meantime, no. Am I asking for trouble? When you're with an abuser, you are always in trouble, so it really doesn't matter anyway.
Hugs!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi FTS, lots of support from me, as well as admiration for your ability to hold your fire until it suits you. I hope the operation goes well, and you recover quickly without forcing it.
The end is in sight. Feel sorry for his kids though; they're also paying the price for his mental state.
The end is in sight. Feel sorry for his kids though; they're also paying the price for his mental state.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
((((Free)))))
First I want to tell you how good I think you are holding things together.
Then I guess the bad news, you know that "but" thing. He lives there whether he is paying anything or not. You will need an eviction notice, or I hate to even say this an RO. I think you said the surgery was for your spleen.
This is really dangerous if he hits you, I know you don't think he will. There was just a High School student, a quarterback, he got sacked. He died because I think he had problems with his spleen and it ruptured. It was Warren Hills HS, NJ. This is why I want you to keep a "lid on it".
We are a lot alike. Once I knew what was going on, I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I still stayed long enough to where I wanted to take him out. I left for his safety, not mine. I no longer cared about my life.
I care about your life and I care about you.
Just, can you promise to keep us updated? We really do care about you and your children, and also his children.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
First I want to tell you how good I think you are holding things together.
Then I guess the bad news, you know that "but" thing. He lives there whether he is paying anything or not. You will need an eviction notice, or I hate to even say this an RO. I think you said the surgery was for your spleen.
This is really dangerous if he hits you, I know you don't think he will. There was just a High School student, a quarterback, he got sacked. He died because I think he had problems with his spleen and it ruptured. It was Warren Hills HS, NJ. This is why I want you to keep a "lid on it".
We are a lot alike. Once I knew what was going on, I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I still stayed long enough to where I wanted to take him out. I left for his safety, not mine. I no longer cared about my life.
I care about your life and I care about you.
Just, can you promise to keep us updated? We really do care about you and your children, and also his children.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I understand the wanting to start a fight to end it. I am guilty of that over and over - in many of my previous relationships.
1 - it's just easier if they break up (for me) - working on getting to the root of that
2 - it's WAY easier to walk away if I am mad, and I create a situation where they flip out and act crazy - its like I need ANOTHER incident to justify why I need out
Just want you to know we get it.
You are SO. CLOSE. I don't have any experience with physical abuse, so take this with a grain of salt....
I've been through LOTS of break ups. I mean A LOT. lol. The ones where I felt best about myself, and the most peace after are where I simply said what I needed to say, and left. NOT the ones where I pushed and pushed til they dumped me, not the ones where I started a fight and they acted crazy and I bolted, and not the ones where I acted crazy because of something they did, and left guns a blazing. There is something to be said for calmly saying 'peace out MFer' (without the MFer part) and cooly walking away.
Rooting for ya - with surgery this week, and for booting dude when the time is right. (((HUGS)))
1 - it's just easier if they break up (for me) - working on getting to the root of that
2 - it's WAY easier to walk away if I am mad, and I create a situation where they flip out and act crazy - its like I need ANOTHER incident to justify why I need out
Just want you to know we get it.
You are SO. CLOSE. I don't have any experience with physical abuse, so take this with a grain of salt....
I've been through LOTS of break ups. I mean A LOT. lol. The ones where I felt best about myself, and the most peace after are where I simply said what I needed to say, and left. NOT the ones where I pushed and pushed til they dumped me, not the ones where I started a fight and they acted crazy and I bolted, and not the ones where I acted crazy because of something they did, and left guns a blazing. There is something to be said for calmly saying 'peace out MFer' (without the MFer part) and cooly walking away.
Rooting for ya - with surgery this week, and for booting dude when the time is right. (((HUGS)))
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