alybally

I am confused because many threads on here I have read talk about the A being mean when drunk and nice (or nicer) when sober. My experience was the opposite. Especially as the disease progressed. My xabf became very cold and mean when sober and pushed me away and then when drunk or using coke or whatever, he would be like he used to be when sober - loving and sweet and kind. This is so confusing?!

Kboys

"Especially as the disease progressed"

I think that's it^^^^

My xabf, who passed away two years ago due to alcoholism, was horrible to be around if he didn't have alcohol... I assume because he was beginning to go through his withdrawal symptoms.

And when he was drinking, as his disease progressed, I was never even able to tell that he was drunk, or whatever, but I knew he was ALWAYS drinking. His personality didn't really change anymore. It was like he just needed to get enough alcohol into his system to feel "normal" and get his BAC up to what his body was used to.

I'm no expert, but that was my experience.

Liveitwell

Kboys ^^ yes! Same thing with my ex. As it progressed he became less nice when sober and only loving, etc when drinking. Then became awful when sober sometimes bc he was looking forward to a drink so bad (and you'd better not get in his way!). The progression changes them-and it changes us, too, if we don't take care of ourselves. Sad realities!

thequest

The alkie/addict here when really smashed is much calmer but when sober or earlier stages of drunk still nasty or with attitude. Even when smashed although 'calmer' still tends to blame or play the victim. My guess the alcohol has a sedative effect on many people at a certain point.

freetosmile

Absolutely.... Sometimes I would just dread his first two or three days of sobriety because he was so cruel.
But lo and behold, by day three at the MOST he generally found reasons ( most of them my fault) to hit the sauce again. Then it was just supposed to be all better...

alybally

Does that mean you've been able or chosen to leave the situation? ��

freetosmile

No, I haven't been able to leave yet. But my A is also an abuser, so other factors play into that.
I'm working on it.
But as far as the nastiness, my best way to deal was to detach and focus on me.
So focus on you and your own life. Don't hand over the power to him to ruin your day, week, etc. Just keep on keeping on until you are ready to make your choice on what you feel you need to do.
Hugs!

healthyagain

He used to be depressed and unavailable when sober . . . cheerful and pleasant when under the influence (beer). Hard liquor . . . horrible behavior. A monster came out. And since he now drinks 1 quart every day . . . he is never sober. And he is never nice.

alybally

I'm out actually. He left me because I wouldn't pick up the pieces for him when he lost everything (job, house, no money). Even asked me if I had something to do with losing his job, despite the love, affection and devotion is shown him. He claims to be dating someone else and the person is *extremely* trashy and get this...a substance abuse counselor...dating a full blown, aggressive, hallucinating alcoholic and drug user. I'm glad I got off that crazy roller coaster. Please be safe Freetosmile and take care of yourself.

teatreeoil007

He could be bipolar. If so, he needs to be on meds instead of self medicating with alcohol.

Just a thought.

Good thing he's your ex now. Happier days will be in store. You'll heal from it and do well in life without him. Best of luck.

BeWell

alybally

Honestly, I feel like it's hard to know. I do know he does cocaine and smokes pot although he said the cocaine was only every once in a while. I've been so naive that the cocaine use could be every day. So it could be the drugs making him crazy although I personally find marihuana to be benign for most people. I do think there are some mental issues too. Bipolar or schizophrenia. He told me some whacky stories even when he was supposedly sober. That he stabbed a guy once while traveling in Estonia on law school summer break, then that he pretty much euthanized his grandmother when she was dying from cancer so she wouldn't suffer and that if Jeb Bush ran for president he would be asked to be his campaign manager (they are friends per his mom, but come on people!). I mean I thought he was just...I don't know what I was thinking!! Then, when he's drunk or whatever he ALWAYS starts telling me that he was in the "clandestine service", he's leaving and will call me on an encrypted line, when he was angry once he told me he would DESTROY me (in all caps!) and the FBI would immediately appear on my doorstep if I ever contacted him again. What in the world was I thinking?? Is it possible that this could all be caused by the alcoholism?

teatreeoil007

Oh my God, sweetheart! You're really LUCKY you got away from this guy both physically and mentally safe. He sounds like he's mentally ill, which I personally don't judge the mentally ill for any of that...as long as you are safe. I've worked with the mentally ill and loved every bit of it, but there were times when I worried about my safety with some of them! Most of them, however were not a threat to me...

As far as drug use goes, well, in my experience drugs can can make people sort of wild and crazy at times-there is a huge range of behaviors that one might encounter. I have never used ANY kind of illicit drug myself, I've never even smoked pot, [wouldn't know how-I don't know how to smoke-]but I've been around others who do often enough to know what to look for if they are using or under the influence. And specifically what drug they are using.

Let me ask you this: How well do you really know this guy? Have you spent a lot time around him in person or did you just date once in a while. For your sake I hope you didn't have to live with him, because it's the day in and day out living with addicts that can really strip you of your sanity. Sometimes, it gets so bad that you just have to leave the relationship for your own sake, even if you DO love them. It hurts, it's hard, but sometimes it's the only way.

I've taken care of numerous folks detoxing and in drug rehab and in recovery. I've taken care of pregnant women addicts. I've taken care of babies born addicted. It's one of my missions in life and it's a calling of mine to maybe be that one person who hasn't given up on them--yet. Rock bottom is a terrible place to be. They do need help out of the pit. They do have a soul that was created by God. Yes, they've lost their way. When I first started working with addicts some of it was a bit hard to swallow. But there are huge rewards in helping them from the depths of despair when everyone else has given up on them. Can't give any medical advice here, though. You will always care for them, and always love them, but you don't have to live with them and be part of their addiction.

I'm glad you are safe!

alybally

Thanks Teatree. Even his mother said she thinks there is maybe more than the alcoholism going on. Although I think she's not wanting to face more than maybe proffering more than the "maybe" part of that. He has severe anxiety and OCD. I liked the OCD part because I'm a clean freak and so was he. He would steam his wood floors to sanitize them, wash his credit cards and NEVER carry cash because it was dirty and every time he would wash his hands he would dry them with the hairdryer?! I kept ignoring these things because I didn't want to acknowledge I had met another weirdo or that this one wasn't going to work out either. We worked together for about 5 months on a project before getting involved although it was mostly by phone because he lives and worked (he was fired as you know from my other thread) about three hours away. He seemed like your normal southern guy who had divorced parents, but most people do (I don't mine have been married for 45+ years). Anyways, we talked all the time and after we started seeing each other it was pretty much every other weekend until his DUI and he started falling off the rails about 6 months in. Severe, deep depression which no meds seemed to help. I want to believe the ultra loving kind guy I met who used to do about anything for me is still in there or was real, but now I just don't know anymore. And for my own heart and mental health I just try and accept what he has shown me in the past few weeks. I have no other choice. I certainly can't ever take him back if there has ever been another woman. I'm very strict about that. *sigh* My heart is shredded to say the least and the feeling of being so deeply betrayed and manipulated was almost suffocating the first week. But each additional day that I'm removed from the situation, I feel a little better. Less anxious, sad and frightened.

teatreeoil007

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I could have written what you just wrote. Thank you for that!

Fidelity is highly important to me to. That would be a deal breaker for sure. Loyalty is highly important too. I don't know if relationships ever heal whenever there is infidelity.

I had a boyfriend once who just could not comprehend what I did for a living and how demanding and stressful it is and how hard I worked my tail off. It's the kind of profession that requires me to give my all. I tend to approach it as a perfectionist. I've never been fired for a job, so cannot relate to that part of it.

I've never been fired from a job before...in my last job when I told my boss I wanted to cut my hours down, she started CRYING. I guess she really valued me as a long time steady employee. In my current job I needed to take a leave of absence so I could heal and grieve. They are welcoming me back with open arms of unconditional love and acceptance and they TRULY love and value me.

It's took me awhile, but I came to realize that he just couldn't or was not able to share on the level I needed as a friend. We were on different levels. I feel I was the more mature one. And I also sensed that he suffered from being very insecure and needed people in his life to validate him and make him feel good about himself.

Since we both had invested in the friendship it was hard to let go of something that at one time was sweet. The more I got to know him the more I realized that he had a very hard time expressing words of comfort and encouragement to me. Whenever I encouraged him and brought refreshing to him he was very thankful and let me know...and that part of it made me feel good. But he had a hard time giving me sweet words of comfort and even condolence when I really needed it.

Maybe the deal breaker was when my dad died and I felt almost zero love and compassion coming from his spirit. He came to my house and had dinner with us just a few days after my dad died. And he mainly just talked about himself and the people in his life. I really didn't want to hear about the young girl in his church flock who is oh so bright and going to attend the naval academy. Not overly impressed by that. My father in law worked in the pentagon in naval intelligence, woo hooo! He never brags about it. He doesn't even talk about it He is humble.

He told me he really wanted to come to my dad's funeral. But, he changed his mind quickly after that. Didn't keep his word. That's okay, There were PLENTY of other people there to divide the sorrow and celebrate his life and his spirit and soul.

I have never gotten into a relationship in my life that messed with my head and my sanity like this person has. He is mentally ill and in denial about it. His family, especially his mother and his sister, enable him, so he's NEVER had anyone who will tell him the truth about his mental illness and make him get some serious help.

He told me he was an addict early on in the relationship and I didn't really take it serious.

He loves who I was, not who I am. He doesn't love me anymore. He stopped caring long ago. I loved who he was and love him still. I have tried to be compassionate, loving and kind. But I won't put up with lies, BS, half truths and broken promises. I need straight shooters in my life. Not people who play head games and are passive-aggressive.

Listen and believe people who tell you who/what they are. He told me he was an addict very early in the relationship. I was a sucker.

He seems to think I don't have people in my like he does. I DO. I have a HUGE network of folks that I can depend on. I also have a HUGE number of people who depend and rely on me. And the fact of the matter is, I don't need constant validation.

What's really going on here is that he doesn't really know me as well as he thinks!

Now, I must heal. I must grieve, and continue to get on with my life. You learn your lessons, you move on and you pray for healing.

teatreeoil007

The people you love are the one's that hurt you the most. I really loved my friend and always will. But I cannot continue to be hurt and disappointed. It's too hard.

teatreeoil007

Unfortunately, he doesn't understand why I don't really want to be around him. And why I have pulled away from him. Maybe he will never get it. Likely not, unless he gets help for his mental illness. He has an anxiety disorder. He has had depression. I think he may be bipolar as well. He is an addict. He is a narccisist. His mother runs his life. His sister is also like a mother. He has an odd relationship with both of them...deeply enmeshed and co-dependent. He is dishonest. He is very insecure. He abuses his body.

The funny thing is he accuses other people of all these same things and condemns them and looks down on them because he thinks he is better and has a VERY critical spirit

Oh and get this: He is a MINISTER in a church!

teatreeoil007

By the time he was FINALLY honest with me, it was too late, sorry to say. I told him good bye then and he wouldn't accept that. I had RESIGNED myself to be done with it and have closure and get on with my life. But he didn't want to end it and he pulled me in one more time. It's my OWN fault. I really loved him, I really did. There was no pretense there and no lack of love on MY part. But, he doesn't love me anymore. He doesn't love WHO I AM now. Well, God does, and that's all I really need to know.

Now, he is so pissed because frankly he always has to be in control of things and he HATES it when he is held accountable for the TRUTH!Things have to be done when he has the time and opportunity at his conveniece. Or at his mother's convenience-I'm not sure which. While I continue to "go to work, go home, and lay around all weekend". Oh my God that hurts and it's so untrue.

I've TRIED to help him see the truth about himself. He's too PROUD...even though he claims he received humility. When a person is truly humble they don't go around proclaiming how humble they are. He still has a LOT to learn. Why did I try so hard? Because I love him, dammit! And I am cursed because of that.

I was his TEACHER for several years. He learned a lot from me. He always told me I helped him grow. All I mainly did was be honest with him and share some really profound, good insights. I KNOW I'm good at that...I know I'm smart, I KNOW I'm talented. I KNOW I'm creative. And I KNOW I 'm good looking. The final lesson he learned is to grow some guts before it's too late.

Now, because of his passive-aggressiveness, he will try to get back at me however he can. That is how narcissists operate. If you offend them in any way they will be vindictive. If you try to end the relationship first, they won't LET you. He needs to read up on NARCISSISM. He will learn a lot of valuable information about himself and maybe that will help.

But, from what I have read, narcissists very seldom change.

If you have any idea that you are in a relationship with a narcissist, GET OUT, RUN! It never ends well.

He thinks I could be dead and he wouldn't even know it...C'mon, I don't think he really cares about that...

He SHOULD have said: She could be dead, and I don't give a rip.

Guess I'm good with that.

teatreeoil007

He has no idea what I am truly capable of and over the last few years didn't even TRY to find out.

I am returning back to my work family and my music family-that is where I will find healing. Yes, believe it or not, my work heals me. My music family heals me. They sooth me. I'm not a LESSOR person for needing that.


There are some problems in my natural family, but there has never been any doubt that even though they are flawed and some them lost-there is love.

teatreeoil007

Oh, and by the way-he might even come on here and present his side of things and get sympathy and "ADVICE".

If the readers/posters don't know the whole truth, they will not give the right advice.

He needs to figure things out with his God and himself. But he may never get it figured out until he gets his mind fixed.

I love him dearly and this all hurts me mightily.

I just don't know what to do.

I thought he was my friend. I thought he loved me. But he left without even saying good bye. I should be used to that by now. He did the EXACT same thing last year.

teatreeoil007

I gave a part of myself to him that I am cautious with and don't give to too many others. I am highly selective and particular. I gave, he took it and trashed it and threw it away.